Scorched Earth

Spring is here! My windows are open. Birds are singing. A sweet breeze is wafting through the room. I can step outside in a t-shirt. I can hear lots of sketchy people partying in the abandoned shack behind my house well into the wee hours of morning…

But so what?! It’s been spring for months! At least here on the east coast. We’ve just had by far the mildest winter I’ve ever lived through, during which the temperature rarely sank below 45 or so degrees, and was frequently in the 60s. For those of you not familiar with mid-Atlantic winters, they’re usually pretty harsh, with freezing-point temperatures, strong winds and at least a couple of crushing snowstorms. And I know we’re not the only ones getting dealt freak winter weather; there’s no shortage of accounts of the northern and mid-western United States being deprived of its annual snowfall.

And throughout this not-quite-winter, everybody was so damn happy, constantly exclaiming, “It’s so nice outside!” and whining when night fell and they had to put on a sweater. Oh, poor baby. But I wasn’t happy. I didn’t want to join in the celebration. I only wanted to shake them by their shoulders and yell in their faces, “You idiots! It’s not supposed to be nice outside!”

Any of y’all ever heard of global warming? It’s this crazy alarmist scare tactic that shrill and self-important liberals came up with to bully you into voting Democrat. Heck, they’re probably paying those college professors and researchers to fabricate evidence in their favor. We don’t need no stinkin’ intellectuals to tell us how to treat the environment we live in, do we? No way! Clearly, we’ve been doing just fine. I mean, this winter was so darn nice! If there really is such a thing as “global warming,” then what we oughta be doing is expediting the process. There are still a few cold days in the year, for crying out loud! How about we throw all of our aerosol cans, used tires, batteries, plastic, Styrofoam and discarded car parts into a giant bonfire and get it over with already??!!!!

Okay, that was fun, but now back to reality. The effective loss of an entire season in my part of the world does not make me feel good, okay? If January and February were this warm, then what are our summers going to be like from here on out? Will we all die from heat prostration?

This doesn’t just go for my neck of the woods. I’m scared for the entire human race, not just because it afflicts all of us, but because we’re all responsible for it. Come on, liberals, don’t blame global warming deniers. We all drive cars, tap tons of water and produce tons of trash just like everyone else. It looks like only the most extreme far-left fringe radicals have made anything more than a token effort to curb their consumption.

We’re all part of the problem.

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Image: digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net