Snooki Spawn vs. Santorum

I WILL NOT SHUT UP!

Maybe it’s because of Snooki’s baby.  Maybe I’m concerned, because if Rick Santorum got his way, if she’s RH negative and the baby isn’t we could lose her, it, or both. Whether you hate her or pity her, at least she’s a talking point during dinner parties or while you’re playing corn-hole in the back yard.  Poor kid could come out with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome if she keeps up her antics.  For that, I feel sad, which makes me want a drink.

Maybe it’s because I’m of childbearing age, the pressure is on to make choices about my future, or the fact that when I see little gymnasts doing tumble passes my womb feels empty. This, in turn, makes me yearn to gain 80 pounds and look like that blueberry kid in Willy Wonka to add another mouth to feed on the overpopulated planet.  On second thought, maybe it doesn’t.

But it does make me wonder about making choices. I’m awful at those.  Snooki’s worse. What’s even worse than her?  You guessed it: Rick Santorum.  The extent to which this man is pushing seems like he wants to give birth (himself) to the Antichrist, which we already know Snooki has covered.  Her due date is December 12, 2012.  Isn’t she Mayan?  I’m sorry, that was such an insult.

He’s even opposed to contraception.  This means he welcomes a world populated, uncontrollably, by girls who are too drunk or oblivious to make educated, well-informed choices. Apparently, in his line of thought, she wouldn’t make such choices if she wasn’t able to.  Sheesh.  What a concept: if young girls don’t have access to contraceptives, they won’t be slutty!  Excuse me while I catch my tears of frustration and hilarity into a jar.

If they do get pregnant, damn those sluts.  Right?!  What’s worse: if one of them gets raped by a gorilla, she should see it as a “gift” and carry it to term!  Regardless of her situation, the pain she endured from someone doing her body and soul irreparable damage should be seen as a blessing.  A blessing!  That said, when Santorum says his prayers over dinner, I wonder what part of him hurts.

Even if FAS is an issue, or say she realizes (although that may be a stretch) something’s wrong while she’s pregnant, forget any kind of testing (like amniocentisis) on the fetus.  That may inform the mother and force her to make decisions that could save her life, or perhaps the life of her child she has accidentally fallen in love with.  We should just let her die or deal with whatever consequences come, and the child with her.  She more than likely deserves it.  And God wants it to be so.

Santorum forbid (well, because he is) something rare and unexpected happens while she’s pregnant.  Say, like birth defects or rhesus disease. Rick feels it shouldn’t be required that healthcare providers must administer these tests and be covered by President Obama’s new health plan. That is against what God wants!  And, most importantly, forget that the older women get the risk of having children with disabilities increases.  No matter.  His opinions on morality and what God wants is the truth.  I’m so glad he can talk to God and hear a response.  I thought that only people in straight jackets could do that.