Mitt Romney the Woman Magnet?

Woah woah woah, wait wait wait  . . . How in all that is unholy is Mitt Romney narrowing the gender gap with women – and unmarried women, to be specific? Has to be true; I read it just today on the Huffington Post.

According to the newest ABC News/Washington Post poll, Romney has risen 13% in the ranks, primarily due to a rise in support from women. President Obama now leads by 11%; last month it was 21% (of course, an NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll has the President leading by 15%). If this is true, I’m with Bill Maher all the way:  Americans are as dumb as dirt.

Let’s just itemize all the reasons women should not love, like, or even tolerate Mitt Romney – as a person or as a presidential candidate.

He didn’t mince words – he plans to do away with Planned Parenthood:  ”Planned Parenthood,” he tossed off casually, “We’re gonna get rid of that.” Not only that, he also wants to do away with Title X, the national family planning program servicing 5 million people a year, that was originally signed into law by President Nixon.

In that one insensitive and ill-informed statement, Romney informed the female population that he plans to “get rid” of preventative healthcare for 3 million people (men and women both) a year.  He informed the female population that he wants to take away the resource that 60% of women use as their sole healthcare provider. He informed the female population that access to birth control is not his concern.  He informed the female population that family planning is unimportant.  He also informed the female population that his self-professed brilliance in economics could use some work:  Family planning saves taxpayers money.

Romney believes Roe v. Wade should be overturned.  (Thanks, Mitt:  You just served a death warrant on women with “oops” pregnancies, who will have no choice but to find a sepsis-ridden back-street abortionist, or return to the days of the coat hanger.)

Romney liked the Mississippi “personhood” bill (which, due to some lunatics at the last minute coming to their senses and voting it down, was not passed in that state). All the rights of a whole person, right there in a fertilized egg that might not make it a week. And as for whether he would have signed the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act – well, he’ll have to get back to us on that.

Romney’s lifelong religion, Mormonism, taught him how to lay down the law to uppity, pushy, grabby, equality-minded women. As a church higher-up, when approached by a group of feminists, he grudgingly allowed women to step up and speak up just like the men.  Ground-breaking.

His wife, Ann, tries like hell to portray him as a wild and crazy, not-stiff, hell on wheels funny guy, but it invariably falls flat. He’s a fake-butt-pinching, stupid-joke-telling, dismissive, arrogant social oaf when it comes to women. His years in the bastions of the nearly all-male money machines and the nearly all-powerful-male Mormon Church and his little boy prep schools and Cougar Club and all the rest have left him ill-prepared – and unwilling – to embrace the world of women and their needs.

Ann Romney does far too much mansplaining for her husband, but the upshot is that the dude has no swag. He doesn’t like women, isn’t comfortable with women, looks like a guy with halitosis who wears socks when he has sex . . . So women, wise up.  He ain’t your guy.