America as Seen by a Germophobic Comedian

Last week, I had the great privilege of traveling to Las Vegas to network in the world of stand-up comedy, and also do a little myself.  Given that the business of being funny isn’t always so, I began the trip expecting to take a highly observant role.  From the beginning of my trip, this, thankfully, was the case.

I got to witness America at its finest, while traveling in planes, trains, and automobiles across the great nation. My trip began with a bus ride from New York City (where 2,886,000 state residents are uninsured, or about 15 percent) to Atlantic City, New Jersey (where 1.3 million state residents are uninsured, or about 15 percent). Come to find out, Dominican American men (nearly 36,000 of whom are uninsured in the US) like snuggling on buses with gringas. This, people, is a fact. I’m here to educate and inform. His love was expressed to me quite rapidly in our two-hour tour during his third REM cycle. It was life-changing. Happens all the time.

A few bills lighter and fancy on my feet, I made my way to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (where  1.37 million state residents are uninsured, or about 11 percent) to hang out with some friends from Texas (where 6.2 million state residents are uninsured, or about 25 percent) and Delaware (where between 100,000 and 110,000 residents are uninsured, or about 11 percent). Then, I flew to Las Vegas, Nevada (a state in which 563,000 residents are uninsured, or about 21 percent) next to a bachelor from Florida (3.85 million state residents are uninsured, or about 21 percent there) who was getting married in a week. I contemplated how since he obviously hadn’t seen a dentist or a piece of floss in a decade, but who’s judging?  We laughed (while I held my breath) at a sloth-like lady from Indiana (where 850,000 state residents are uninsured, or about 13.4 percent) who demanded the flight attendant from Massachusets (where the U.S. Census Bureau estimates about 370,000 residents, or more than 5 percent remain uninsured) hand her a magazine that was within her own reach but was too lazy to get for herself. Talk about energy resources.

I landed in Sin City and bunked up with some comedians from California ( where 7,209,000 state residents are uninsured, or about 19 percent) and spent some time trading secrets with funny people from Maine (where 121,000 state residents are uninsured, or about 9.4 percent), Arizona (where 1.28 million state residents are uninsured, or about 19 percent), and Michigan (where 1.27 million state residents are uninsured, or about 13 percent).

On my return flight, I got stuck in Arizona (you know the deal here) because my flight was overfilled with mucha gente. Thank sweet baby Haysoos that Fox News told me “Most Americans already are insured,” or else the hypochondriac inside my brain might hyperventilate knowing all the potential and unseen ailments I could have come across on that flight back. Not to mention with six degrees of separation of 27,486,000 (I can add!) potentially connected uninsured humans that are out there from the pool of people I spent time with. The kind of panic attack a germophobe might have (in light of knowing how far people let their sicknesses go because of the crippled system ( I meant to say that) would be deadly.

But I’m glad Fox News cleared it up for me.  I was worried there for a bit!  Sheesh! (Kabobs are delicious).

 

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Follow @funnychristine on Twitter or catch her on stages in and around NYC stretching out her skinny jeans and teaching people how to dance the “future baby daddy.” (The new dance craze sweeping the nation).

See her July 11th at Stand Up New York @ 8PM.  Make reservations by calling  212-595-0850. Deadline for tickets is July 9th.