Miracles and Wonders Like What You Never Saw! Part II

In today’s Encyclical, the Holy Uncle shares Part II of some of the miracles and wonders that survive the rewriting of Sacred Scripture in the new Tea Party Version (TPV) of the Bible.

ENCYCLICAL THE FIFTH, Part II

Well hello there, my children. Thank you, again, for dialing up the pope, or whatever you call it on this Internet thing.

During His Earthly ministry, Jesus would tell stories to get a point across. Now, in the NEWLY REVEALED Word of God, the Tea Party Bible, conservative activists will be able to support their money-grasping, “me first” philosophy with actual Bible verses! We call these…

PARABLES AND WONDERS

Luke 12:15-21 (TPV)The Parable of the Faithful and Wise Servant

42 And the Lord replied, “A faithful, sensible servant is one to whom the master can give the responsibility of managing his other household servants and feeding them. 43 If the master returns and finds that the servant has done a good job, there will be a reward. 44 I tell you the truth, the master will put that servant in charge of all he owns. 45 But what if the servant thinks, ‘My master won’t be back for a while,’ and he begins beating the other servants, partying, and getting drunk?46 It’s best to have a patsy to blame, should the master return unannounced and unexpected, then it will be the PATSY the master will cut in pieces and banish him with the unfaithful.47 “And a servant who knows what the master wants, but isn’t prepared and doesn’t carry out those instructions, will be severely punished. 48 But someone who does not know, and then does something wrong, will be punished only lightly. So, as you can see, it is better to be dishonest, lazy and stupid than to be smart, aware but otherwise incompetent.  LUKE 12:42-48 (TPV)

The Parable of the Lost Sheep

12 “What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? Maybe.13 And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off.   But when he gets back to the flock and finds the other ninety-nine eaten by wolves, their bones scattered about the field, he will take out his wrath on the little sheep he abandoned his flock to save.  He will slaughter that sheep in as painful a manner as possible, skin it while it still lives, wear the wool as the dying sheep regards him, then roast and eat its flesh.14 In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost.  Just don’t think he’s going to risk the entire flock to come looking for your ass if you wander away from the other sheep.  MATTHEW 18:12-14 (TPV)

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant

23 “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. 26 “The servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’  27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. 29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’ 30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.  32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ ‘Master,’ the servant replied, ‘so taken was I by your mercy, I decided I would do what I could to pay you back.  Here.  Here is the 100 denari I got from the other guy.  I know he has more.  And there are other servants who owe me money, which I would gladly turn over to you, oh just and righteous master of mine.’34 ‘Good answer,’ the master said.  He accepted the 100 denari in partial repayment and, in anger turned over the other servants that had been identified as owing the first servant money to the jailers to be tortured, until they should pay back all they owed.”  MATTHEW 18:23-34 (TPV)

The Cost of Being a Disciple

25 Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said:26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. 27 And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.”  The disciples shrugged and murmured among themselves, “So much for ‘Honor Thy Father and Mother,’ I guess.”  Jesus continued. 28 “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it?  29 For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him,30 saying, ‘This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.’”  The disciples murmured among themselves, “We’re out in the middle of the desert and he’s talking about building towers?  Who’s got the money to build a tower?  You?  Not me!”  Jesus continued.31 “Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand?  32 If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. 33 In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.34 “Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again?35 It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out. He who has ears to hear, let him hear.”  Peter turned to the disciples nearest him and whispered, “It’s the heat.  It does this to him.”  LUKE 14:25-35 (TPV)

The Parable of the Lost Coin

8 “Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins and loses one. Does she not light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it? 9 And when she finds it, she calls her friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.’ 10 I say unto you, this is madness.  Why gloat to your neighbors who might not HAVE a coin that you found one of your ten that you lost?  Have you no feelings?  LUKE 15:8-10 (TPV)

The Parable of the Prodigal Son

11 There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.  13 “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living.  14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.  17 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.’20 So he got up and went to his father. “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.25 “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27 ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’28 “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’31 “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 ‘But you disrespect me by doubting my wisdom and my taste for revenge.  For this very evening, your brother’s portion of the fattened calf will be laced with arsenic.  He will die a slow, painful death while we all taunt and mock him for his disobedience.’ The older brother shook his head, smiled and said, ‘Remind me to never make you angry, Father.’”  LUKE 15:11-32 (TPV)

Here’s a parable that doesn’t require a single change.  In it’s original form, it’s all ABOUT screwing your neighbors!

The Parable of the Shrewd Manager

1 Jesus told his disciples: “There was a rich man whose manager was accused of wasting his possessions. 2 So he called him in and asked him, ‘What is this I hear about you? Give an account of your management, because you cannot be manager any longer.’3 “The manager said to himself, ‘What shall I do now? My master is taking away my job. I’m not strong enough to dig, and I’m ashamed to beg— 4 I know what I’ll do so that, when I lose my job here, people will welcome me into their houses.’ 5 “So he called in each one of his master’s debtors. He asked the first, ‘How much do you owe my master?’ 6 “ ‘Eight hundred gallons of olive oil,’ he replied. “The manager told him, ‘Take your bill, sit down quickly, and make it four hundred.’7 “Then he asked the second, ‘And how much do you owe?’“ ‘A thousand bushels of wheat,’ he replied. “He told him, ‘Take your bill and make it eight hundred.’8 “The master commended the dishonest manager because he had acted shrewdly. For the people of this world are more shrewd in dealing with their own kind than are the people of the light. 9 I tell you, use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves, so that when it is gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings.  LUKE 16:1-9 (TPV)

For this next one, the ending was changed slightly to clarify the moral for a Tea Party America.

The Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard

1 “For the kingdom of heaven is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire men to work in his vineyard. 2 He agreed to pay them a denarius for the day and sent them into his vineyard.3 “About the third hour he went out and saw others standing in the marketplace doing nothing. 4 He told them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard, and I will pay you whatever is right.’ 5 So they went. “He went out again about the sixth hour and the ninth hour and did the same thing. 6 About the eleventh hour he went out and found still others standing around. He asked them, ‘Why have you been standing here all day long doing nothing?’7 “ ‘Because no one has hired us,’ they answered. “He said to them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard.’8 “When evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, ‘Call the workers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last ones hired and going on to the first.’9 “The workers who were hired about the eleventh hour came and each received a denarius.10 So when those came who were hired first, they expected to receive more. But each one of them also received a denarius. 11 When they received it, they began to grumble against the landowner. 12 ‘These men who were hired last worked only one hour,’ they said, ‘and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the work and the heat of the day.’13 “But he answered one of them, ‘Friend, I am not being unfair to you. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius? 14 Take your pay and go. I want to give the man who was hired last the same as I gave you. 15 Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am wealthy and insane?’16 “So the last will be first, and the first will be last.”  In other words, never accept the first offer.  MATTHEW 20:1-16 (TPV)

The Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector

9 To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: 10 “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’13 “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’14 “I tell you that God answered the prayers of the Pharisee and the tax collector got cancer and died an agonizing death.  Good public relations is everything.”  LUKE 18:9-14 (TPV)

And yet, ANOTHER parable that requires no change whatsoever to fit into the Tea Party Bible.

The Parable of Ten Servants and Minas

11 When they were listening to this, he went on to tell them a parable, because he was near Jerusalem and the people thought that the kingdom of God was going to appear at once. 12 He said: “A man of noble birth went to a distant country to have himself appointed king and then to return.  13 So he called ten of his servants and gave them ten minas. ‘Put this money to work,’ he said, ‘until I come back.’  14 “But his subjects hated him and sent a delegation after him to say, ‘We don’t want this man to be our king.’15 “He was made king, however, and returned home. Then he sent for the servants to whom he had given the money, in order to find out what they had gained with it.16 “The first one came and said, ‘Sir, your mina has earned ten more.’17 “ ‘Well done, my good servant!’ his master replied. ‘Because you have been trustworthy in a very small matter, take charge of ten cities.’18 “The second came and said, ‘Sir, your mina has earned five more.’19 “His master answered, ‘You take charge of five cities.’20 “Then another servant came and said, ‘Sir, here is your mina; I have kept it laid away in a piece of cloth. 21 I was afraid of you, because you are a hard man. You take out what you did not put in and reap what you did not sow.’22 “His master replied, ‘I will judge you by your own words, you wicked servant! You knew, did you, that I am a hard man, taking out what I did not put in, and reaping what I did not sow? 23 Why then didn’t you put my money on deposit, so that when I came back, I could have collected it with interest?’24 “Then he said to those standing by, ‘Take his mina away from him and give it to the one who has ten minas.’25 “ ‘Sir,’ they said, ‘he already has ten!’26 “He replied, ‘I tell you that to everyone who has, more will be given, but as for the one who has nothing, even what he has will be taken away. 27 But those enemies of mine who did not want me to be king over them—bring them here and kill them in front of me.”  LUKE 19:12-27

Talk about your “Christian Charity…”

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