Let’s Change GOP Politics…Retroactively!

“He took a leave of absence and, in fact, ended up not going back at all and retired retroactively to February 1999 as a result.”

Ed Gillespie, former RNC Chairman and current adviser to Mitt Romney, in his attempt to end speculation caused by Mitt Romney’s statements on SEC filings indicating when he retired from Bain Capital.

Since he became the GOP’s default Rominee, Mitt Romney and his merry band of back-peddlers have behaved as though they’re above answering questions coherently. His entire campaign has simultaneously been full of crap filler responses and empty of details about what an R-Money presidency would look like. And, whenever convenient, Mitt has rewritten history about both his own track record and that of the President.

Ed Gillespie‘s comment is one of the most ridiculous statements I’ve heard in ages — and given how much time I spend reading, listening to and writing about politics, that says quite a lot.

The Romney team has been believing that their leader is, even though he’s the GOP’s default candidate, so powerful and entitled that they can simply wipe out years of history. Maybe this is nothing more than a ‘winner take all’ game. So, being a good sport, I’ll play along with a different game: what I’m submitting is a new history. I figure that if Romney can rewrite history, I’m allowed to retroactively change the GOP’s prior politics for the better:

  • Let’s start with the GOP’s diety, Ronald Reagan. Retroactively, Ronnie’s sabotage of the Iranian hostage crisis negotiations never happened. He never did anything at all to make President Carter appear weak. And, of course, since it’s always country first — not party, and not their image — with the GOP, Mr. Reagan had the foresight to know that selling weapons to Iran in exchange for hostages wouldn’t be a good idea.
  • Then we can move on to the first President George Bush. Iran Contra scandal pardons, anyone? No, of course not! Where I live, on ‘Planet Retro’, President Bush I would never have to claim that he was “out of the loop” and, therefore, clemency for convicted officials wouldn’t have been necessary. And, since we’re stretching here, retroactively, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was never nominated (and Anita Hill would have been spared having to see him again. Ever.).  This also means that Justice Scalia won’t have his own personal speechless sock puppet!
  • Change course in my retroactive reality and you won’t find any indication that George W. Bush was selected by the Supreme Court to be the POTUS over Al Gore, which truly brought home the point that the Electoral College has more clout than “the people’s” votes. While we’re at it, retroactively, there are no Diebold machines in existence so we’ll have a paper trail to rely on when votes are counted.  Oh, and there’s no Jeb Bush to help facilitate GW Bush’s move towards the White House.
  • We’re not at war with everydamnbody located everydamnwhere. Retro world has no need to jump other nations for oil; we have solar and wind power — and clean energy bills were never pushed aside by the GOP.
  • In my retroactive world there’s no Karl Rove with his shady dealings and rumour-mongering. He no longer has the ability to sling mud like a perturbed monkey hurls feces at everyone who has the misfortune of crossing his path.
  • No Karl Rove means there are no Rove-backed ‘Swift Boaters’ to derail Senator John Kerry, a man who actually served with honour in military — unlike the Dick Cheney‘s and Mitt Romney’s of the world who make use every deferment available to avoid serving anyone but themselves.

No need to go on…you get the picture. Retroactively.