Most assuredly, my partner is going to want to kill me but this week I will be hijacking the flat screen in the living room to watch the hottest band in the country strut its stuff in Tampa, Florida – Hurricane Isaac and the Birther Brigade. There will be several days of birth certificate blundering, Jesus-loving, and personhood pontificating. Not to be outdone, there’s also the potential to see Mitt nervously laugh his way through what could be the most awkward party nomination speech in political history. It’s gonna be GREAT!
As is the case with every major television event, party preparations must be made. Here are a few ideas to get you truly ramped up to see Rick ‘God Loves a Sweater Vest’ Santorum, Donald ‘I Am The Greatest Businessman Who Ever Lived’ Trump, Paul ‘I Love Your Vagina’ Ryan, and the rest of your favorite GOPers:
1 – Proper Pre-gaming – Nothing says Republican National Convention like a little Hank Williams, Jr. Before you turn on the telly, try illegally downloading some of Hank’s greatest hits because, frankly, why would you ever buy them? Give them a good listen and then wonder why so many people take him seriously.
2 – Choose Your Favorite Bible Verse – After you’ve had enough of Hank, ask yourself, “Self, are you ready for some readings from the Book of Corinthians?” Obviously, the answer should be a resounding yes. Digest all of the loving teachings from the good book, especially the chapters that give the A-OK to slavery and incest. Very touching stuff.
3 – Recite the National Anthem – Oh wait. I forgot. We’re liberals. We don’t know how that goes because we lack patriotism and are Godless heathens. My bad.
4 – Pop Open a Cold One and Give a Toast to Freedom – Whether you prefer a downhome American classic like Bud or a elitest microbrew (Liberal snob!), raise your can or bottle to the TV and extol the freedom loving virtues of those huddled masses of 1%ers yearning to breathe easier at the thought of Mitt becoming president. They’ll be free to ship more money to tax shelters overseas and pocket even more of the global financial pie.
So yes, starting tomorrow it is party time for this left leaning New Yorker. How do you plan to watch the Republican National Convention?