Republicans doth protesteth too much on Akin

“You mean you were raped?”   “Well, at first…”

- Monty Python’s Life of Brian, 1979

As national Republicans were trying in vain to make “legitimate rape” armchair gynecologist gaffer Rep. Todd Akin (R-Mo.) “take one for the team”, the Party of No merrily blundered on in their crusade against women’s reproductive rights.

Missouri’s statutory party candidate switcheroo deadline came and went, but the errant Rep. Akin was still dry on board the Republican elephant ark. After asking “forgiveness” for his choice of words, Akin wasted little time using his no-choice bluster to troll for campaign contributions.

Actress Melanie McQueen played Lady Luck for the Virginia Lottery starting back in 1989, waving her star-on-a-stick at potential jackpot winners. Conservative legislators in that commonwealth effectively changed the state tourism motto to “Virginia Is For (State-approved types of) Lovers”. They also traded in tousled, rumpled blonde Lady Luck’s magic wand for one hooked to an ultrasound imaging machine for women daring to take control of their own bodies.

In Tampa, Virginia Gov. Bob “Gov. Ultrasound” McDonnell (R-700 Club) was merrily waving his transvaginal electronic wand heading his party’s drive to the far right margin of the platform page, seemingly oblivious to the newly purged Akin’s all-too-public “r-word” misstep, but eerily on the same anti-choice page as the freshly forlorn Senator wannabe from the “Show Me” state.

The problem is, Republican leaders don’t dare complain too loudly about the sacrificial lamb Akin in fear of offending the off-the-deep-end religious right voters. Never fear, virtually every GOP finger pointed at the Missouri candidate all too often mirrored his extremist views, and co-sponsored his bills.  When they shift on reproductive rights, it’s usually of the Gov. Rick “Don’t make me count to three” Perry (R-Tex.) variety, abandoning rape or incest exemptions after watching one of Mike Huckabee’s DVDs. At least televangelist Ernest Angsley comically said “Be Healed!” when he slapped his victims on the forehead for a donation.

Republican nominee-to-be Mitt Romney was “for” a woman’s right to choose before he was singing the “personhood” psalms with huckster Huckabee. He may have objected to Akin’s gaffe, but it’s Mitt. He doesn’t even wait for the next news cycle to flip-flop.

Akin bill sponsoring partner and Veep pick Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wisc.), didn’t let the newsprint ink dry on his condemnation of Akin before his next campaign stop, where he essentially canonized himself as the Catholic patron saint of deer hunting.

Republican National Committee chair, and Pee Wee Herman stunt double, Reince Priebus was dancing in interview chairs hopelessly attempting to put daylight between the G.O.P. radical anti-choice platform and his party’s apparent Presidential nominee.  Remember, it  was Mitt Romney who quickly wanted to consign Rep. Todd Akin to walk the plank into the briny deep. Romney is a “businessman.”

No matter what Conservatives say, it’s the same old story of “the more things change, the more they stay the same.”  For the skirted crowd, not Scottish, or in drag, a Republican choice is at the expense of your own.