Ryan’s Hopeless

Last week, Conservative Nation was basking in the orgasmic afterglow of Paul Ryan. Two Saturdays ago when Ryan was named Mitt Romney’s Vice Presidential running mate, I went on The Drudge Report. I do this from time to time. It’s like watching a really bad porn. You keep watching and watching hoping to see something interesting and, yet, nothing actually happens. Anyway, the Drudgers were totally losing their collective shit over Ryan. Adjectives like BOLD, GUTSY, FEARLESS, were all the rage. It’s adorable when the Grand Old Party gets excited. Fast forward to today and what was life-affirming for the political Right now seems more worthy of life support.

What have we learned about Paul Ryan?

1 – Well, according to his record, he’s the Kill Medicare guy. But according to Paul Ryan, he absolutely positively loves your Grandma. He promises. He pinky swears.

2 – Well, according to his record, he’s Bob McDonell only younger, a bit better looking, and even more devoted to the well-being of zygotes. He supports banning all abortions, even in cases of rape or incest. But according to Paul Ryan, he absolutely positively loves and respects the ladies. His mom is a woman. His wife is a woman. His God is a woman. Wait, um, yeah, let’s scratch that last one.

3 – Well, according to his record, he accepted stimulus money for his district. But according to Paul Ryan, he absolutely positively has no recollection of doing that even when presented with evidence to support it and Obamacare is evil!

What have we learned about Paul Ryan? His bromance with Mitt must really be going very well. It’s like when women live together and their menstrual cycles align; Ryan has readily adopted Romney’s flip-floppiness, hapless waffling, and secretive weirdness. It’s like the voting population, you know those with Voter IDs, is witnessing a science experiment in progress. What happens when you put two boring white guys in close proximity for a lengthy amount of time? They become one and the same – pretty hopeless.

 

 

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Photo image from the hilarious site: HeyGirlItsPaulRyan.tumblr.com