A Fictional Meeting to Decide Mitt’s Fate

Hovering over the 26 miles of water separating Catalina Island from the California mainland, the Secret Koch Brothers Zeppelin is the site for a top secret meeting of the Billionaire Cabal. David and Stephen Koch play host to Sheldon AdelsonFoster FriessPhillip Anschutz, and several other billionaires who stand to gain the world if a Republican is elected in November. They are not happy.

Karl Rove serves as Moderator.

ROVE

I think it’s pretty clear that this ship is sunk.

(There is general murmured agreement.)

D. KOCH

I want him dead. I want his sons dead.

S. KOCH

I want to put his wife in a cage on top of the Bentley and have Smithington drive until she soils herself.

D. KOCH

And then I want HER dead.

(There is general murmured agreement.)

ROVE

Look, this isn’t just making some minor union leader disappear. This isn’t like cleaning up a dead intern in Joe Scarborough‘s office.  We’re talking about…

ADELSON

I know what we’re talking about, Jackass. The only question is, are we going to do it.

ANSCHUTZ

Speaking for myself, I want no part of it.

BOTH KOCHS

How’s that?

ANSCHUTZ

I said, I want no part of it. I’m a billionaire, yes. Will I benefit if we elect a Republican? Of course.  Why do you think I pack my online newspaper with conservative hacks and just enough liberals to give the appearance of fairness. But I am still a Christian, and I can not be a part of an action that will end up in…

S. KOCH

We understand how you feel, Philip.

D. KOCH

Your misgivings are noted.

S. KOCH

And nothing will change your mind?

ANSCHUTZ

No, my friends. On this I am firm.

ADELSON

Well, we can’t have him sitting here listening to details.

FRIESS

Wouldn’t want him to have to lie if anyone should ask him.

S. KOCH

Karl, would you escort Phillip into the soundproof waiting room?

ROVE

Of course.

ANSCHUTZ

I thank you gentlemen for your understanding.

D. KOCH

No problem, I assure you, Phillip.

Rove escorts Anchutz into a side room.  There is no furniture.  Rove closes the door, leaving Anschutz alone in the tiny, empty room.  Rove pushes a button on the other side of the wall.  The floor under Anschutz opens, and he falls several thousand feet through the night air into the Pacific Ocean, never to be seen again.

FRIESS

I had a feeling we were going to have to do that.

S. KOCH

It’s a chance we had to take.

ADELSON

So, how do we do it?

ROVE

I’ve given this some thought. There is no real mechanism for replacing a nominated party candidate.  That is, we can’t force him out of running.  If we sit on our checkbooks, we’re re-electing Obama and of course that can not happen!

FRIESS

But no matter how much we donate, the idiot has already screwed the pooch. He can not win.

(There is general murmured agreement.)

D. KOCH

So, Karl?

ROVE

We agree what must be done. And we have to make it look like it was done by an Obama supporter.  And we have to do it in the last week of October.  That will give us time for one of my operatives in the Occupy Wall Street Movement to convince an actual Occupy idiot…

FRIESS

Fucking hippies.

(There is general murmured agreement.)

ROVE

Exactly. My operative works with someone of his choosing. Someone pliable.  Easy to mold.  Not very smart.

ADELSON

And smelly.  Make sure he’s smelly.

ROVE

And my operative convinces our dupe that he’s saving America from the corporate bosses if he takes out Romney.  We convince him that Secret Service is in on it.  We get him close, at a rally, with a gun, sneaking him past the metal detectors…

D. KOCH

He does the dirty deed, and Secret Service kills him.

ROVE

We can’t take any chances that he’s taken alive. So I will have one of my men on the Secret Service detail that day.

ADELSON

Brilliant!

FRIESS

Make sure the hippy is wearing an Obama shirt.

ROVE

Big state funeral. Grieving widow. We call Jeb Bush

S. KOCH

Who knows nothing about this, right?

ROVE

Right.  Babs had one smart son out of the litter.  We convince Bush that Ryan will be president someday, but he’s not ready.  Not just yet.  We explain that the nation needs him.  He will rise to the occasion.

ADELSON

But he’s not as pliable as his brother was.

ROVE

That’s the beauty part.  We get him elected.  Sworn in.  He’s the president.  Ryan’s the vice president. And then…

D. KOCH

Something unfortunate happens to the new president?

ROVE

Exactly.  I’m still working on the details, but I will fill you in on that later.

FRIESS

We beat Obama, we put up with Bush for a month or so, and then that idiot Ryan is president.

ADELSON

And Ryan will do what he’s told, including attacking Iran!  Oh this is beautiful.

D. KOCH

That’s right. We get our war. Everyone gets even richer, and nobody notices that we’re dismantling and selling America to China.

S. KOCH

Well planned, my boy!  Well planned!

ROVE

Well, that’s what you pay me for!

There is laughing and clinking of cocktail glasses as the blimp cruises back towards the California shoreline.

 

The End?