Romney’s Chronic Electile Dysfunction

With 46 days left until Election Day, I don’t know who’s flying the wobbly Romney campaign mothership, but they might just be the ones with a scarf bearing a Rising Sun tied over their forehead.

Former Hawaii Gov. Linda Lingle (R) is running for one of the Aloha State’s Senate seats. Lingle was among the panicking Republicans who have hurriedly left Mittens’ latest in the loo, next to the Ty-D-Bol. Survival.

Ex-WWE “pro wrestling” magnate Linda McMahon (R) used to appear on cable TV kicking a male performer between the legs. After the embarrassing Romney fundraising tape in Boca Raton dismissing nearly half the electorate as government-dependent slackers, McMahon couldn’t give a quick enough swift kick to the G.O.P. Presidential campaign cojones. Survival.

Sen. Scott “Beefcake” Brown (R-Mass.) won the G.O.P. sprint to disown Romney’s exposed comments, trying to keep his electoral shoes out of the “Mitt.” Brown might be a bit long in the tooth to pose in the buff again, with Elizabeth Warren (D) breaking ahead in the polls. 46 days. Survival.

In the wake of the imploding Romney campaign, Brown tried to bail from a scheduled debate with Warren, lamely citing “Senate votes.” Always helpful Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D) courteously cancelled the evening’s votes so Brown could participate in the debate. Who says Democrats don’t reach across the aisle? The gentleman from Massachusetts didn’t have a good night in Boston.

In an interview with an Iowa radio station, Ann Romney got testy with Republicans and conservative pundits not seeing the inviolate “magic” in her dreamy Quarter Billion Dollar Man From Bain. The venom made me recall former First Lady and astrology maven Nancy Reagan’s legendary vitriol aimed at any Republican who dared to break with the infallible Ronnie worship. Not endearing. “Stand by your man” doesn’t mean getting into a fit of road rage and driving the bus off the cliff.

What’s a failing campaign to do? As it’s Mitt Romney, it’s time for a flip-flop to the “center.” The Tea Party and corporate Rightie fringes won’t notice the “other woman” fling? Fat chance. The potential pitfall of waffling might just close big money wallets and anger the former pandered extremists Mitt spent so much time chatting up.

“Who’s your daddy?” The ex-Massachusetts governor was “for” health care reform before he was “against” it. The reluctant daddy who went on the Republican campaign trail denying paternity is now trumpeting his DNA and handing out cigars celebrating his newly reclaimed toddler. Ah, Mitt, Americans who can’t afford “therapy” Dressage ponies remember.

In South Florida, Romney trots out the Spanish-speaking son and hopes Hispanics forget his “self-deportation” and vetoing the DREAM Act earlier stands. Geriatric Castro-hating Cuban expats are a tiny minority of America’s Hispanic population. The rest will see the hypocrisy.

What is the Romney campaign’s next “say anything, do anything” goofy shift? A kiss and make up with Planned Parenthood? Ann riding Rafalca in a feminist march waving  a coat hanger?

Even Romney’s “private sector success” isn’t likely to snuff his inept campaign. It takes voters.