America, please welcome Rob Anders! A great Canadian…

The most inward and insular of nations – that would be you, America– needs a well deserved break from this week’s Presidential air balls (the first debate…yikes) and Republican hairballs (too many to list). So settle in, as I give you talented Alberta funny man, Rob Anders, boffo federal Conservative Party parliamentarian.

A great Canadian

Anders, the Member (in every sense of the word) from Calgary, decided this week that he had best unburden himself with a remarkable conspiracy theory from the May 2011 Canadian federal election. Anders claimed in a national politics blog that the current Leader of the Opposition, feisty New Democrat Tom Mulcair pushed his former (now deceased) party leader Jack Layton so hard in the 2011 campaign that the evil Mulcair contributed to Layton’s death from cancer.

“I actually think one of the great stories that was missed by journalists was that Mr. Mulcair, with his arm twisted behind the scenes, helped to hasten Jack Layton’s death,” opined the sensitive Foothills flower, care and compassion writ large. Anders also noted,  “…Layton put his life at risk to go into the national election, and fight it, and did obviously an amazing job considering his state of health, and that he did that partly because of the arm-twisting behind the scenes by Mulcair and then subsequently died.” Call the police, right now – Thomas Mulcair – killer.

What a guy! So good of the great man to share insights and a perspicacity that has somehow kept this Boy Blunder chained to the government back benches his entire sad, inauspicious career. The Conservatives could nominate a three-legged ferret, a drunken parrot, or a garden rake in his Calgary riding, and win going away – the intelligentsia there have chosen Anders since 1997…his brains and deft communications skills his calling card.

Of course when the ‘Mulcair as killer’ shit storm rained down on the Foothills truth teller, and the Conservative queen bees beat a path from his door, it must have dawned on Anders that his candour was perceived as callous, even downright insensitive. Oh No! Cue the standard Anders apology!

“Comments in iPolitics with respect to Mr. Mulcair and Mr. Layton were insensitive and inconsiderate. I apologize to Mr. Mulcair and to Mr. Layton’s family.”

Standard? Indeed – this is not the first time that the Calgary cowpoker stepped in it, flung it, breathed it, and generally revealed himself as the Prime Shit of Canada. The National Post, a conservative media organ so stiff it rivals even Member Anders, described gentle Rob as ‘outspoken’, in the same way one supposes Warren Buffet is reasonably comfortable, or the Beatles enjoyed some degree of music industry success.

Anders, fervent and ceaseless protector of Canadian values, once hilariously opposed honorary Canadian citizenship for Nelson Mandela, the South African being a “communist” and a “terrorist”. Robbie placed the 2008 Beijing Olympics on the same podium as the 1936 Berlin Games orchestrated by Hitler’s Nazis. When the tireless advocate tried to catch a few well-earned winks at a 2010 Veterans Affairs committee meeting (part of his paid Parliamentary gig, over $200 large in salary, tax free bilge, a budget for all sorts of other nation building, and a gob smacking pension) – you guessed it – Rob turned his formidable intellectual howitzer on a veterans support group (average age 85) that criticized him for falling asleep during their business!! The ‘Blazing Saddles’ reprise, Rob – “…let’s dock that dink a day’s pay for napping on the job!!”

Maybe, just maybe…in an unguarded moment, in an intense media scrum that lightweights like Anders only face when they say something this irredeemably stupid, the busy man shoots off mouth, instantly regrets and expresses heartfelt sorrow – OK. But when even this craven bozo takes time to write what he thinks – more shocking, polysyllables were used (maybe a ghost writer?)…the pro forma, I feel terrible, accept my apology, lets move on? If I needed 10 pounds of it, Rob, I’d buy an Alberta cow. Fuck off – and no pro forma from me.