Things have gotten so dastardly rotten in the past, um, six days since President Obama was re-elected, that – at last count – citizens from 20 states are circulating petitions, hoping to gather 25,000 signatures in a month so they can make a formal request to the White House to secede from the U.S. In just three days, Texas’ petition grew to 27,000 signatures (which simply tells us that there are at least 27,000 whack-a-doodles in Texas), enough for a formal response from the White House, should the President chooses to issue one – although, as I think about it, it must really suck, having to get permission from their nemesis, President Obama, in order to leave the U.S. because of him.
The states whose citizens want to take their toys and go home – well, go somewhere, anyway - following the re-election of President Obama are Louisiana, Texas, Florida, Alabama, North Carolina, Kentucky, Mississippi, Indiana, North Dakota, Montana, Colorado, Oregon, New Jersey (a little ungrateful, if you ask me), New York (what I said about New Jersey), South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, Missouri, Oklahoma and Arizona. Some people said not to pay this movement any attention, but me, I think I’ll give it to the attention it deserves, which pretty much consists of scorn, mockery and derision.
Whole new countries, 20 of them! Just like a new puppy, it’ll be such fun picking names – like, say, Montucky, Texorado, Louississippi or, my personal favorite, Bamagon. And decorating – my, the decorating they can do, considering that they’ll be starting from absolute scratch in their new place. Roads will have to build themselves as they crumble, there’ll be lots of plastic tubing to siphon water from the nearest source (although for those landlocked, like Arizona, too bad), and, while electricity and gas will be, well, non-existent for a while, at least they’ve gotten away from that varmint, Barack Obama.
It’ll be a bit of a sticky wicket, building police departments and fire departments and schools and funding disaster relief, along with Medicare and Social Security and infrastructure, without that handy dandy federal funding they’ve all grown so accustomed to. But I’m sure they’re prepared: When tornadoes sweep through, or brush fires blaze, or tsunamis hit, their communities, built on a non-American spirit and adherence to their principles, will carry them through. Even though the last serious secession movement was defeated in the Civil War, these people likely believe the secessionists back then gave up way too easy. They didn’t have these citizens’ driving spirit, and they didn’t have this President to bolt from. And besides, they can set up their own credit lines with China.
As Doug Mataconis of outsidethebeltway.com wrote, ” . . . [E]ven if one accepted that there was a right to secede (and I think the Civil War settled that matter), an election result does not rise to the level necessary to justify it . . . the democratic process does not guarantee that your candidate will win, and once you agree to participate in it your [sic] are in some sense bound to accept the results of a free and fair election. The fact that your preferred candidate loses, by itself, is not a justifiable ground for a revolution which is, in the end, what secession actually is. Personally I don’t believe that many, if any, of the people making these comments are serious about it, but to the extent they are, they’re advocating something wholly without moral justification.”
Six days in, and citizens are so outraged by the re-election of President Obama that they’re threatening insurrection and secession. Six days in, and the losers have decided that revolt is the appropriate response to a democratically elected president. Six days in, and deadly serious division based on racism and white entitlement is once again in the works. Six days in, and those breeding too close to the gene pool have raised the stakes. Six days in, and it’s the 2009 Tea Party on steroids.
I’ve got five brief words for the petition-happy citizens of these 20 states: Good luck. And go already.