August 20, 2017 — Hurricane Bobo levels Miami. President Bachmann says, “I don’t know what they expect US to do. Last I heard Miami was in Florida. It’s Florida’s problem, not ours. If people can’t afford to rebuild their properties after a natural disaster, they should move someplace safer.”
September 21, 2017 — 10.6 Earthquake Destroys Los Angeles, San Diego, does heavy damage in San Francisco. President Bachmann said that in times of trouble, it’s best that people turn to God. “Turn to our father in heaven,” Bachmann said. “He’s there for you. He will offer comfort and solace in these difficult times.” She speculated that God sent the earthquake to punish what she called the rampant sinfulness of California homosexuals. On a sad note, President Bachmann’s husband has been listed among the thousands of dead. Unofficial reports say his body was recovered from the ruins of a bathhouse in San Francisco.
June 15, 2018 — Illinois National Guard invades Iowa. “There can only be one state that has the most corn,” Illinois Governor McDoodle said. “If Iowa won’t GIVE us their corn, we’ll take it by force.” In a veiled threat to Nebraska, McDoodle said, “And we don’t expect to stop advancing our troops at the Missouri River, either.” President Bachman said the federal government had nothing to say. “It’s a matter of states rights,” she said. “The constitution says they have to work this out for themselves.”
July 23, 2020 — Southern Arizona and New Mexico reclaimed by Mexico. Troops from the newly organized Socialist States of Mexico invaded the southern counties of Arizona and all of New Mexico with troops and artillery. President Perry sent a strongly-worded note to Mexican Premier Juan Guervo asking him to please give it back.
March 18, 2021 — The runoff from the snow melt after the worst winter on record has caused flooding that has wiped out every bridge on the Mississippi and Missouri rivers, in effect isolating the eastern part of the country from the west. President Perry said, “God sure does work in mysterious ways, don’t he just?” Perry scoffed at the few remaining “climate change” adherents who blamed the record snowfall on carbon dioxide emissions. “You wanna tell Standard Oil and them other Big Oil guys they gotta stop drillin’? Go ahead. Cuz I ain’t gonna do it. Not that they would listen to me if I did,” Perry said.
September 21, 2021 — Marking the 4th anniversary of the 10.6 earthquake that destroyed much of California, killing 10 million people in the first days after the disaster with another 32 million dying in the months and years following from lack of infrastructure, health care facilities and the outbreak of man-eating wolves, the Socialist States of Mexico reclaimed the entire state as sovereign property of the Mexican people. President Perry could not be reached for comment as nobody seems to know just where he is.
October 3, 2023 — Regional warlords from all across the former United States of America have agreed, in principal, on the division of the former American territory. Northwest Warlord Tim “Scooter” Philbertson will oversee the former states of Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Nevada, Montana and Utah under the new flag of “Northwestia.” Midwestern Warlord Pete McFeely will govern the states of North and South Dakota, Nebraska, Minnesota, Iowa, Wisconsin, Ohio and Illinois under the banner of “Farmland,” assuming they can secure the rights to that name from Facebook. Northeastern Warlord Jimmy “the Skunk” Capuzo will oversee the former New England states as well as New York, Pennsylvania, Maryland, New Jersey and Delaware. He said the new nation will be known as “Baddaboombia.” The former Southeastern states will be led by Warlord Mike Spence who will govern the former state of Carolina (which reunified in 2018) as well as Virginia, West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee, Kentucky and Arkansas. The new nation of “Dixie” will look into the possibility of reviving “Jim Crow laws” for their new nation. Since most of the Southwest has already been reclaimed by the Socialist States of Mexico, they were not represented at the meeting of warlords. The new regional governments will be composed of small committees of armed men who will kick up 20% of their revenues to the central government in Washington, headed by “Boss Limbaugh.”
Yeah. A strong central government. Who needs it. Somalia sure doesn’t and they seem to be doing well enough. And hey, have you seen the miracle that is Afghanistan? Tell THOSE people they need a strong central government. They’ll LAUGH at you!
Well, time to put the crystal ball away and consult with my wife to decide on just which day we will take the cyanide capsules.