The Year of the GOP Snake

Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?” -Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

By the Chinese calendar, 2013 ought to have been a banner year for conservatives. As crestfallen Ann Romney soaks up tears with Kleenex bought by the carload at Costco, and Karl Rove squirms at megadonor angst over Crossroads GPS’ lame  batting average in November’s election, Republican delusions of a 2010 redux string of victories evaporated almost as quickly as Sarah Palin’s and Dick Morris’ fat Fox News paychecks. The divisive GOP snake too closely resembles that cut-up slithering pest on the Tea Baggers’ Gasden flag.

Let this be a reminder to you all that this organization will not tolerate failure.” – Dr. Evil, Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997).

Righties continue their own extended remake of 1934’s “Night of the Long Knives” as the Party of No’s internal infighting made for more moneyed loudmouths joining Donald Trump in public purge beatings of the “Bush’s Brain” Rovian piñata.

join or dieNo honor among thieves. GOP-designated hitmen emerged from the public attempt to crucify former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton with wounds of their own after that comical circular firing squad on last year’s tragedy at Benghazi.  Loonytarian smirker Sen. Rand “Aqua Buddha” Paul (R-Ky.) saw what remote Presidential ambitions he dreamed of go up in smoke faster than the free campaign wacky weed aboard Daddy’s wobbly RONmulan Paulista Muthaship last year.

In the Republican search for anybody in the Obama Administration to pin the Benghazi tail on, short of a GS-4 copy machine operator at Foggy Bottom, no one is safe. It kinda reminds me of my naval promotion to the grade of Lieutenant Commander being contingent upon my swearing that I wasn’t a drunken aviator in the 1991 Tailhook scandal in Las Vegas. The inconvenient fact that many times more died in terrorist attacks in the Bushie years didn’t stop Sen. Lindsey “Tutu Warrior” Graham (R-S.C.) from resembling Marcus Bachmann auditioning to be the next Rambo.

What’s a Republican to do? Ignorance of changing demographics sent Mitt Romney to Disneyland. In defeat. 47% just to salt the wound. Their fickle love-hate relationship with clowns such as ex-Rep. Todd “Legitimate Rape” Akin (R-Unemployment Line) and the Mittster’s “self-deportation” gaffes barely left the Repubs with the fealty of a minority of Red-state rednecks.

Obfuscation only carries conservatives so far. With about as much relish as going for a voluntary root canal from Birther Queen Orly Taitz, xenophobic conservatives are now tepidly approaching the immigration issue,  after letting Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Little Havana) tinkle on the Righty third rail first.  Even fundamentalist kooks, such as Focus on the Family, are trying to flip-flop on newcomers without anyone noticing their hypocrisy. Sorry, what gets said and done is effectively carved into the web-searchable stony ether these days.

Americans are tired of a do-nothing, ideologue Congress with about as many signs of life as Ayn Rand’s decomposed carcass. Immigration reform, firearm safety, and deficit reduction lead the pack on the nation’s to-do list.  “Just say no” didn’t work for Nancy Reagan long  ago on drug abuse, and it’s not governing now.