CPAC 2013: ‘Crazy birds’ Flock

“If standing for the Constitution, standing for liberty, standing for conservative values makes one a wacko bird … then I am pleased that birds of a feather flock together.”  – Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Little Havana)

romneycpacViewed as a 2016 rising star, the freshman senator from Florida accomplished in one short speech, calling liberals “freeloaders,” what unsuccessful 2012 Presidential wannabe Mitt “Mitt WHO?” Romney (R-Bain) labored several years to get ineptly caught at with his infamous “47%” secretly videotaped, campaign scuttling, fundraiser remark. Please remember to tip your bartender, something we can agree Bishop Mitt has never done. Rubio might want to take his listed $675,000 home in a Miami “working class” neighborhood off the market. The big, white mansion at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW shouldn’t be on his wife’s HGTV network shopping wish list.

Crazier than a mainstream political party convention, is the annual American Conservative Union’s fete CPAC. CPAC 2013 did not fail in demonstrating once again that the extreme Right wing’s Thorazine antipsychotic dosing is still not correct, despite the glories of “free market health care.”  I chuckle at the irony of anti-labor Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker (R-Koch Bros.) appearing at anything sponsored by a group with ‘union’ in their name.

There were a couple of out-and-out clowns to amuse: Donald Trump was there to toot his own horn under a bad comb-over, and former Alaska Governor (and losing 2008 Veep candidate) Sarah Palin (R) tried out for stand-up comedy. Even real stand-up comedians with actual talent face the uphill climb to make it in comedy clubs everywhere, and few make it to the big time.  The media multimillionaire from Wasilla must have thought it was her divine birthright, ordained by the Founding Fathers.  I hear Palin, the freshly sacked Fox News Contributor, is available to do stand-up at your next cross-burning, skinhead Bris, or backwoods Northern Idaho sovereign survivalist soiree; just remember the big private jet, bendy straws, and $100,000.

Who says Conservatives don’t believe in ethnic quotas?  ACU jefe Al Cardenas, who still daydreams of a Batista Havana. made sure fellow ex-pat Cubans were overrepresented with Sens. Rubio (R) and Ted “$arah’s boy” Cruz (R-Tex.). Count Cruz as half a Cuban, as he was born in Alberta, where Canadians freely flock to Havana to escape winter in significant numbers.

Mentioning immigration reform providing a path to citizenship, though, is akin to walking a minefield in Afghanistan. Ask ex-Fla. Gov. Jeb Bush (R-Dynasty), who the other week did a hapless, pandering flip-flop-flip on immigration, shooting himself in the foot.

dc8fcef4-97b1-490f-94ae-9aa9c16a4096Former 2012 GOP Presidential tryout participant Gov. Rick Perry (R-Tejas) appeared for another try at counting to three.  The guy who didn’t bring wifey Anita home that Rose Garden she had her heart set on, accused grouchy Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) and Mitt Romney of not being “conservatives.” The way recent polls on Perry’s reelection chances are going, Perry probably won’t need to try to count much higher.

Apart from who comprises the CPAC 2013 clown cart, let’s look at who WASN’T invited. Take, for example, Gov. Bob McDonnell (R-Va.). After televangelist loon Pat Robertson’s fair haired boy impaled himself on a transvaginal probe, he was effectively purged faster than one could say “Romney 2012.”  The Republicans’ Great White Hope, Joisey Gov. Chris Christie (R-Atlantic City Casino Endless Buffet), was given the CPAC cold shoulder after being seen cavorting with the despised leader of the Commie Kenyan Ninja Mafia doing his job in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy.

In the inevitable CPAC straw poll for 2016, conservatives picked Loonytarian smirker Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) as a Presidential pick.  I’m sure late night comedy writers, political cartoonists, and former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton felt a reassuring warmth under the future job security blanket.