Return of the Joker Jedi: The Bachmann Chronicles

Last year was particularly hard on the fortunes of Tea Party doyenne Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.)  After a flop at seeking the Party of No nod for President, and Bachmann’s months of proudly proclaiming her childhood Iowa roots, voters in her 6th Congressional District in Minnesota noticed their Congresswoman was off politicking for the White House, playing Tea Party ideologue, and AWOL from her constituents.  Voters, being the persnickety lot they tend to be, rewarded Bachmann’s frigid shoulder by her barely winning reelection over Democrat newbie challenger, hotelier Jim Graves. Voter dissatisfaction in a safe Republican district turned a “sure thing” into cold fickleness at the ballot box, eking out reelection by only a few thousand votes.

Michele BachmannAlas, the miracle of Michele keeping her $174,000 a year gig in Washington was a little more too close for comfort for our Righty firebrand than just fearing which ladies rooms openly bi-sexual freshman Rep. Kyrsten Sinema (D-Ariz.) and lesbian Sen. Tammy Baldwin (D-Wisc.) might use. (The ones for competent lawyers.) Chastened by an electoral fire and brimstone brush with political death, Bachmann created a miracle of her own: shutting her big mouth and quietly representing her district.

Frankly, this columnist was amazed our Minnesota twisted sister could go “cold turkey” from her notorious gaffe-a-day past habit.  Job security for media fact checkers was starting to look bleak. Even when married, no headache lasts two whole months. Duct tape?

Giving the sports term “March Madness” a wacky new twist, Mindless Michele roared back with a slew of gaffes faster than actor Jack Nicholson could say “Heeere’s Johnny!” in the 1980 Stanley Kubrick film, The Shining. Her size 7 patent leather pump-in-mouth comeback in the misstep marathon was a testimony to that conservative “American Exceptionalism” Snowmobile Barbie Sarah Palin was touting. Comedy writers could give a big sigh of relief knowing where political joke material would come from in a “Spring” that obviously didn’t get the weather memo.

At CPAC earlier this month, Bachmann misquoted the source and proclaimed that seventy percent of Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP, neé “Food Stamps”) dollars went to the hated bureaucrats. At least Joe Isuzu was only a car salesman.

Seeming to make up for lost time, the rapid fire staccato of Bachmann gaffes continued. If she was a billion dollar Pentagon weapons system, the brass at the Pentagon would be overjoyed at a fantastic cyclic rate. We’ll work on accuracy in the next procurement block.

“Obamacare kills” she screamed. As a Member of Congress, no private health insurer would dare deny her claims with the regularity ordinary Americans face. Then, in a bipolar twist her hubby would send her to a real physician for a prescription for a lot of lithium, she tells us that Republicans “love” the poor, even as they seek to yank back the safety net for the most vulnerable.

In a sprint not seen since Nevada’s hapless 2010 Senate hopeful Sharron “Wacky”  Angle (R-”Second Amendment remedies”) got Vegas reporters and news crews in shape  for an Olympic track event, Bachmann left a CNN crew in the dust exclaiming “Benghazi,” when questioned about her groundless White House largesse j’accuse.

No wonder why Bachmann didn’t last long in the lawyering trade.

Fortunately, The Washington Post Fact Checker, Glenn Kessler, dutifully debunked Bachmann’s claims, and awarded her many more Pinocchios. The Pulitzer Prize winning Politifact web site has long vetted the Minnesota Congresswoman’s wild statements, with a whopping 72% ruled as “Mostly False,” “False,” or their penultimate fibbing “Pants on Fire.” Remember Bachmann’s 2011 whopper about a Presidential trip to India costing an alleged $200 million per day and tying up a sizable portion of U.S. Navy warships?

Few women, other than Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-Tenn.), use Rep. Bachmann’s raw egg on their faces as a makeup foundation.

And now she’s facing an ethics inquiry for her ill-fated Prez prance? Good comedians pause between laugh lines.