The War on Women has been declared over. The men of the Republican party, joined by a few blue dog Democrats and Republican women, announced that they realised that unless they begin attending medical school in droves, any woman’s uterus is none of their business. They also announced that it’s time to fully support the Equal Rights Amendment and even expressed incredulity that it has taken this long.
The Supreme Court’s conservative justices – in a moment of social, historical and political reality and clarity – issued a statement that racism is not, in fact, dead and, therefore, Section 5 of the Voting Rights Act of 1965 has not exceeded exceeded its authority under the 14th and 15th amendments (equal protection and voting privileges), thereby violating the 10th amendment (state sovereignty) of the U.S. Constitution. As a result of the realisation that the nation has a long way to go towards resolving racial disparities they also issued a joint apology, co-authored by Justices Scalia and Thomas, for even suggesting that affirmative action in the nation’s institutions of higher learning was never necessary.
House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, Speaker of the House John Boehner and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell announced today that they will give President Obama full cooperation towards boosting the nation’s employment rate and furthering economic growth. The jobs bill submitted by the President ages ago is now being worked on by a bipartisan group. When asked their reasons for this sudden turnaround, the aforementioned trio of GOP leaders noted in a joint statement that on Easter Sunday and during Passover, each had his own ‘come to Jesus meeting’ of sorts — and their respective deities informed them that if they don’t want to go to what they envision as hell, it’s time to ‘do what’s right’ for all of God’s (unemployed) children. They’re complying. They’re religious men…they’ve decided
to not fuck with God’s will rules.
ExxonMobil, joined by other ‘Big Oil’ companies and several of the nations leading natural gas producers and distributors, announced at a press conference today that the most recent oil spill in Arkansas was enough to convince them was enough to rethink their position on caring for their bottom line more than the air, water and soil all humans need to survive. During an awkward ‘open mic’ moment, one official was heard to mumble something that sounded remarkably like ‘the Keystone Pipeline is a dead issue’ but that on-air comment hasn’t been confirmed.
OK, I can dream, can’t I?
Happy April Fools’ Day, folks.