In Books: “Lost in Bachmannistan”

E-Book Review: Bachmannistan: Behind the Lines by Peter Waldron and John Gilmore, Amazon, 2013.

If Star Wars director George Lucas made this part of the Jedi vs Empire serial, it might be called Star Wars VIII: The Teavangelicals Strike Back. Finally, an out of this world comedy without Mel Brooks.

Bachmann-crazy-eyesBetter than the Pentagon’s best heat-seeking missile is perpetually fact-challenged Tea Party Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.). As in the early NASA space rocket tests, nearly sixty years ago, Bachmann is known for wandering haphazardly off programmed trajectory. Voters, not NASA Mission Control, hit the self-destruct button. NASA engineers probably didn’t get all their information from the tin foil-hatted wing nuts at World Net Daily, either.

In this Amazon e-book which released Monday, authors Peter Waldron and lawyer John Gilmore outline, in third person, Bachmann’s flopped GOP Presidential primary campaign. The Republican squeaky wheel got a lot of press exposure for her campaign’s first trimester abortion, and easily more attention than it deserved. Comedy writers had yet another field day with the Gaffe Queen of Minnesota.

Waldron, a cleric with a controversial past, was Bachmann’s Evangelical Outreach person, and seems to blame everyone else but himself for the campaign’s many missteps. Problem being there are not enough “evangelicals” to claim four or more years at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. N.W. on their own. She couldn’t have a lock on them all, even in her wildest dreams. Just ask former Arkansas Gov. Mike “Weight Loss Preacher” Huckabee (R).

The book outlines some heretofore unpublicized Bachmann gaffes and glaring character flaws in the gadfly self-crowned Tea Party doyenne.  For example, he chronicles Rep. Bachmann firing a pregnant mom of seven with number eight “in the oven” on Christmas Eve.  From the inside, we learn more about how self-centered and ruthless Bachmann can be, and why we shouldn’t even let her tour First Dog Bo’s dog [white] house.

Imagine the Right discovering how the Iowa Straw Poll was just a thinly veiled state GOP cash cow? The book’s authors expertly mimic actor Claude Rains as the Prefect of Police shutting down Bogart’s Casablanca night club: “I’m shocked! Shocked to find there is gambling going on here.” One might think this was Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm’s first trip to the local red light district. Faux astonishment. “Round up the usual suspects.”

What sets this book apart is that it does not come from the legion on Michele’s enemies list. Sarah Palin can’t blame the “lamestream media” for this one. Sure, Waldron and Gilmore freely demonstrate where their sympathies lie, using endless conservative code words. I found my Republican-speak to English dictionary getting as dog-eared as my old, reliable Norsk (Norwegian) – English tome. Waldron and Gilmore are fluent speakers of Righty-chatter, down to slamming everything from the Clinton Administration.

If anyone gets a free pass in the book, it’s Michele’s sashaying hubby, Marcus “Pray Away the Gay” Bachmann. One would momentarily wonder which Bachmann was running for President?

With “friends” such as this, who needs enemies?  One can rest assured that Michele Bachmann is prone on her office sofa sleeping off yet another of her headaches for this book.