Chris Christie: Mr. GOP Establishment, 2016?

David Corn, the prescient pundit at Mother Jones has dubbed New Jersey Governor Chris Christie as the “GOP Establishment Candidate for 2016.” We love Mr. Corn and have no reason to doubt his instincts. And, yes. If the Republican Party has any hope of winning the White House in a battle against Hillary Clinton in three years, Gov.… [Read more]

Benedict Spills His Guts in New Tell-All Bio Book

Freed from the bonds of the Papacy, protected by Papal Immunity, but no longer the Supreme Pontiff of the Holy Roman Catholic Church, Joe Ratzinger blows the dome off of St. Peter’s Basillica and allows you to see what’s going on inside with his BLOCKBUSTER BEST SELLER…

“VICE IN THE VATICAN”

“We used to have little Friday night shows in the Sistine Chapel where a chorus line of altar boys would come in and sing Broadway show tunes!”

–Joe Ratzinger, Pope Emeritus

“VICE IN THE VATICAN”![Read more]

Negroes? With GUNS? RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

Bill Schmalfeldt was otherwise occupied this week having his foot surgically removed from the descending colon of a wingnut lawbreaker. So this week, his space is occupied by a guest columnist.

by Lester Smelgerson Public Affairs Spokesman Howard County, Maryland, Tea Party Splinter Group That Splintered from Real Tea Party Upon Learning Actual Tea Party is a Tool of the Left Being Used to Make People Hate Conservatives

Our worst nightmares are coming true.… [Read more]

Planning Underway for Retiring Pope’s New Residence

The Vatican announced that Pope Benedict XVI, who will abdicate the Papacy on Feb. 28, will not move into the Blessed Sisters of the Poor Convent as first planned. (Mother Superior said his presence would be a distraction and he’s been Pope — who’s gonna tell him to put the toilet seat back down?)

So, a special habitat will be devised for the Supreme Head of the Holy Roman Catholic Church (soon to be known as Mr.… [Read more]

LA County Deputy District Attorney Establishes Pattern of Online Abuse Against Women

Los Angeles County Deputy District Attorney Patrick Frey is being sued by former Breitbart ally, Nadia Naffe. The reason? Since Naffe filed charges against Dead Andy’s favorite video-making toady, the ridiculous James O’Keefe III, alleging that O’Keefe drugged her, took her to a barn and attempted to sexually assault her, Frey (who had never met Naffe but who was friends with O’Keefe) made slandering Ms.… [Read more]

Legendary Sniper and Pal Take Marine with PTSD to Gun Range. What Could Go Wrong?

With all the talk about guns and mental health, and the post-traumatic stress syndrome of vets from Iraq and Afghanistan, what better idea could one have than to grab your neighbor and take a homecoming Marine who has psychological problems out to a gun range and put a weapon in his hands.

What could possibly go wrong?… [Read more]

Lee Stranahan — An Idiot Abroad

No, this is not a photo of some kidnap victim taken to prove he is really still alive.  This is a shot, self-taken by Lee “The Grifter” Stranahan. See, Lee talked some dumbass right wing donor into giving him money so he could travel from Dallas to Chicago, from Chicago to Pittsburgh, then from Pittsburgh to Steubenville, Ohio so Lee could be there, in person, to do…

Something.… [Read more]

Daddy No Write Column Today. Shiloh Write Column.

by Shiloh Marie Schmalfeldt German Shepherd, Age 6

Daddy too busy write column. Shiloh write column. Daddy watch football, do podcast. Daddy nice.

Why for people not nice?  Why for people mean to each other? Why need guns?  Guns scare Shiloh.  Guns scare Raven, too.  She my big sister, border collie, 8 years old. She pretend brave, but Shiloh know better.… [Read more]

Teabaggers Dream of Post Obama America

August 20, 2017 — Hurricane Bobo levels Miami. President Bachmann says, “I don’t know what they expect US to do. Last I heard Miami was in Florida. It’s Florida’s problem, not ours. If people can’t afford to rebuild their properties after a natural disaster, they should move someplace safer.”

September 21, 2017 — 10.6 Earthquake Destroys Los Angeles, San Diego, does heavy damage in San Francisco.… [Read more]

Still, It’s Easier Than Dealing With Republicans

After months of frustrating negotiations, I finally came to a deal with my dogs last week that allows them to crap on the living room rug as much as they like.

It was a bipartisan deal, the product of weeks of strenuous back-and-forth.

Considering how far apart we were at the onset, frankly, I’m amazed we made the deal at all.… [Read more]

Fecal Cliff Crisis Put Off One More Day

After strenuous negotiations with the lower intestines, the Body finally passed a continuing “Moist Driftwood” resolution that allowed for the continued order and function of its digestive system for one more day. Thus, the daily “Fecal Cliff” crisis has been pushed back for another 24 hours.

“It’s frustrating to have to go through this every day,” said Bill Schmalfeldt’s brain, nominal chief executive and operating officer of the Body.… [Read more]

Have a Grouchy Christmas!!

(Thus begins a new series of random thoughts we shall call “Grouchifications.” They are like pontifications, although we are not a pontiff. We are a grouch. Therefore, the name.)

1. Teacher with unruly student? Problem. Teacher having gun taken away by unruly student? Additional problem.

2. Woman overpowererd by rapist/abusive husband or boyfriend? Problem. Woman having gun wrestled away by stronger rapist/abusive husband or boyfriend?… [Read more]

The NRA NEEDS Your FEAR!

The National Rifle Association survives by membership donations. They use these millions of dollars to influence congressional, senatorial, presidential, statewide and local races. What they sell is fear.

They want you to fear your own government. The jackbooted thugs that are coming to get your guns. (This image and other drawings come from the NRA Pamphlet, “Freedom in Peril: Protecting the 2nd Amendment in the 21st Century, available here.… [Read more]

Why Are Right Wing Extremists So Anti-Islamic?

Simple. It has nothing to do with the color of skin. It’s nothing that simple. In fact, most right wingers don’t know WHY they are Islamophobic. They just know they “support Israel” because their leaders “support Israel” and they must do as their leaders tell them because that’s why we have leaders because they know better than we do.… [Read more]

The Great Blogcast Debate!

Gosh. I’m so excited to have been part of Blogcasting history. I hope that all five listeners to Lee Stranahan‘s show this Sunday afternoon (thank God the Packers game was already over, or I would have missed it — GO PACK!)

I will give Stranny credit. He knew it was me. He took the call. I’m thinking he might have a portion of a testicle after all in that otherwise empty scrotum of his.… [Read more]

Right Wingers Find New Mary Jo Kopechne

Two of these people, dead before their time, are used by Republicans to raise a lot of money. One was killed by a Republican. Nobody raises a cent for that one.

The victim had every reason to believe there was a long, successful life ahead. Seated in the car, there was no reason to worry, no way to know that death was just seconds away.… [Read more]

NEVER MIND MY NEW BOOK (Which is 50% off until Dec. 1) — CRIMES have been committed!

OK, either you’re interested in the new book by now or you’re not. What we’re interested in now at the Patriot-Ombudsman is justice. Crimes have been committed and the people who committed them need to stand before the bar to answer for their wrongdoing.

Here’s the book that I hope you will consider purchasing, especially since it’s only $7.50 until December 1.… [Read more]

Simple Solution for Those Angry About Obama Re-election? GET OUT!

Can you hear the sound? Sort of like the cicadas of late summer, but human? A low, keening whine? I’ve identified it. It’s the right wing of the American political spectrum. They’re misunderstanding why President Barack Obama won a second term.

Let’s look at one well-known right wing pundit and his take on why that happened.… [Read more]

Did Romney and his Horrible Sons Kidnap Two Nice Doggies?

Applying the same journalistic standards as the Daily Caller and the Washington Times in their reporting of the Robert Menendez story yesterday morning, we at the Patriot-Ombudsman can now reveal the shocking truth that will certainly bring Mitt Romney’s campaign to the screeching halt it has already seemed to have screeched to.

Two Ohio Irish Setters from the Toledo, Ohio area, claim that Mitt Romney took them from their yards, forced them into doggie carriers, had his five sons tie them to the top of the campaign bus and drive up and down the Ohio Turnpike until they soiled themselves in fear.… [Read more]

Is the Government Prepared for ‘Frankenstorm’s’ Affect on Early Voting?

Here on the East Coast of the United States, we wait with anxiety and dread the horror that will clog our sewers and storm drains with our dead. They call it “Frankenstorm.” We’ll probably lose power. There will likely be lives lost. Millions, if not billions in property damage. Thank goodness the pundits are focusing on the most important impact this storm may have on the lives of people from Virginia to New Hampshire.… [Read more]