What To Get Your GOP Crush For Valentine’s Day

So it’s Valentine’s Day, and even though you totally decided last week that you LOURVEE [GOP primary candidate] and totally want to go steady with him, you just were too busy and forgot to get the Valentine’s chocolates/card/Super PAC you meant to. Now all you can imagine is him sitting at home alone chugging caviar-covered Haagen Daaz (or whatever rich people eat), sobbing bitterly and ruminating on those sad, sad Elementary years when Joanie McAmerica would pass them by for the older, cooler candidates.… [Read more]

Freddie Mac: Gotta First-Born Child? You Gotta Loan!

Dear Valued Borrower,

With the landslide success of the Let Freddie Mac Do Whatever the Hell They Want Act of 2012 (also known as HR-65), we at Freddie Mac are pleased to announce the nation’s first ever First Infant-Backed (FIB) secured loan refinancing option! With a FIB loan, almost anyone can get a loan for a new home, jet ski, or stylish “man cave” without nasty credit checks or outrageous interest rates.… [Read more]

New Republican Debate to Focus on Breadth, Depth of Candidates’ Reagan Trivia

Sensing an overall lull in interest after approaching the 3652nd Republican Primary Debate of the 2012 election, RNC chairman Reince Prebus has announced that the next GOP debate will be focused exclusively around trivia relating to former President, and GOP man-God, Ronald Reagan.Prebus, in an exclusive interview to Borderless News and Views(BNV), said, “So we were all sitting around, trying to figure out how to try and get people interesting in the shit-slinging again.… [Read more]