Dear Mrs. Vera,
Do you find last week’s election results encouraging?
Yours not convinced truly, Ken…Cloacanellie? Canolismelly? Cootchycootchycoo-new-hell-pee?
Dear Mr. Cucinelli,
Not knowing the spelling of one’s last name can lead to some confusion at the ballot box and that may have been a factor in your defeat you could have anticipated, but it’s too late, now.… [Read more]
Dear Mrs. Vera,
How can I stretch my food stamp allowance to make healthy meals for my family?
Kindest Regards, Emeril J. Lagasse, Fall River, MA
Dear Emeril,
Love your Yukon Gold potato nest recipe, the one filled with tiny creamed onions. That dish could be scaled up to provide crispy housing for the homeless and starving, and any tiny onion babies they have still clinging to life in those red “right-to-starve” states.… [Read more]
Dear Mrs. Vera,
Are we still fighting The Civil War?
Fond Regards, Charles Rangel (D-NY)
Dear Charo’s Tangles,
So lovely to hear from you again after all this time. My readers may not know this, but before entering politics and getting himself elected into office in New York, Mr. Rangel played a mean guitar and invented a much coochy-coochy-cuter version of twerking, one that you could watch with your mom on the Carol Burnett Show, or the like, without dying inside at the collapse of humanity jiggle-grinding before you. … [Read more]
Dear Mrs. Vera,
So, is it time for the voters of Ohio to recall GOP Speaker of the House, John Boehner?
Regards, Somehow uncertain independent Ohio voter John Q. Public
Dear Junk Pukeblitzer,
Thanks for writing in, yet again, as you begin the long process of letting somebody else eventually make up your State’s mind for you.… [Read more]
Dear Mrs. Vera,
What’s worse, The Shutdown or Barilla™?
Guido Boehner, Annapolis, MD
Dear Giovanni NoBarroehner,
This is a very easy question to answer, especially if you are a female lady who ever came from a family, even one of those families that doesn’t count enough to deserve eating a specific brand of dried paste that is for sale in many shops and markets.… [Read more]
Dear Mrs. Vera,
So, do filibusters actually accomplish anything positive?
Truly Yours, Philip Ulcer
Dear Mr. Cruz,
On behalf of my readers, I must thank you for writing in, even if under a nom-de-plume (that’s Quebecois for faker) and calling attention to this most pressing of issues. Being subjected to a filibuster-a-thon™ from a stubborn foreigner Texan truly feels like attending a function where everyone is depressed because the host is insisting on playing a party game involving running your head through a letterpress or embossing machine, with the most points going to the person who sustains the least brain damage. … [Read more]
Dear Mrs. Vera,
Do you think that Starbucks™ should provide a place for customers to check their guns?
Sincerely Yours, Jerry Baldwin, Seattle, Washington
Dear Venti Grandewin,
Thanks for writing! Despite how much everybody hates your company, they all agree that however gross the food is, and however soul-destroying the general aesthetic of these stores is, when Starbucks™ is considered in terms of its manners, nobody is arguing that the basic approach to the customer experience isn’t polite, tidy and nicely thought out — not compared to most addict shacks, opium dens and needle-drug shooting galleries.… [Read more]
Dear Mrs. Vera,
Please explain why people object to Obamacare.
Regards Sincerely, Mrs. Petunia Kevorkian
Dear Please Put A Cork In It,
There are as many reasons for not liking something as there are people not to like out there, and our form of representational government insures that most of these unpleasant individuals will be front and center, right in the debate over Obamacare being held in the delightful thought experiment known affectionately, when you are trying to get in its pants, or abusively, if it lets you get into its pants, as Congress.… [Read more]
Dear Mrs. Vera,
Will the Fukushima nuclear plant destroy the world?
Yours Sincerely, Leó Szilárd, Budapest, Hungary
Dear Louis Lizard and all my troubled readers fearing the end of the world before they ever get to see Belgium up close in person and say “Walloon” a lot,
Don’t panic. Let’s all just quickly, quietly and in an orderly manner proceed to the sub-sub basement while thinking centered thoughts about frolicking, boiling dolphins fleeing the Pacific Ocean, um, er, I mean contented piles of algae growing slowly on the shores of Antarctica, as we make our way to the panic room/world headquarters in our new exciting subterranean mise-en-scene, before finally drawing a deep breath and relaxing.… [Read more]
Dear Mrs. Vera,
I am havink many bells, I even haff one that vhen you ring it, it causink countries to divide themselves bitterly along religiousky lines and gatherink up eye-pokink sticks, yes? If I can find it again, wherever it has gotten off to, should I send it to President Obama? If he rings it while asking “Who vants to invadink Syria with me, da?” will world peace break out as Republicans prepare to do anything and everything to stop his Socialist plot to try and save some Syrian lives no matter how many Syrians might actually not be helped or killed in the process? … [Read more]
Dear Mrs. Vera,
Should PFC Bradley Manning have received 35 years in jail or a medal?
Regards, Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn Tunguska Hollow, Cloud Heaven… [Read more]
Birthdays are one of many special occasions that many of us celebrate. Coming around once a year often reminds us that time whizzed quickly past us and that we are now a year older with more experiences to look back on.
As a kid you really look forward to your birthday. You can’t wait to grow older and cut the birthday cake.… [Read more]
Dear Mrs. Vera,
Should Jesse Jackson, Jr. receive a suspended sentence after stealing three quarters of a million dollars because he’s bi-polar?
Yours Truly, Vincent van Gogh, Arles, France.
Dear Vincent,
I’ve heard an earful this week from readers wanting to know how to handle themselves around politicians suffering from bi-polar disease, but yours was the only one that generated a lot of very keen interest from the dog when it arrived in the morning mail.… [Read more]
Dear Mrs. Vera,
Shouldn’t the United States boycott the 2013 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia?
Limberly and pudgily yours, Lady Nadia Comaneci Witherington Rathbone, Sussex, Blighty
Dear Lazy Naughty Commie Needy Widow Ring Tone,
Thanks for leaving this question on my voice mail — I love that scary Russian accent, even though I can never decide if you probably look like Boris Badanov and sound like Natasha Fatale or the other way around. … [Read more]
Dear Mrs. Vera,
Would you rather be rich or thin?
With sincere regards, Cornelius “Commodore” Vanderbilt, De Bilt, Utrecht, Netherlands
Before addressing this week’s overpriced socio-political scoop of cottage cheese on a pretty plate with a picture of a peach printed on it, I must admit up front that I have never truly understood the rank and title of “Commodore,” though I really appreciate the topic.… [Read more]
Dear Mrs. Vera,
How come Bank of America pays one hundredth of one percent interest when their profits are up 63 percent?
Regards, Henry F. “Mister” Potter, Bedford Falls, NY
Dear Henny HalfPenny Pincher, sorry, I meant Baron Von Bankenstein,… [Read more]
It’s summer and half the year is already over. Days tend to pass very quickly when one is busy with work or taking care of kids. Sometimes it can get a bit overwhelming as there are so many things to do on a daily basis. You can get mentally and physically exhausted by the end of the day.… [Read more]
Dear Mrs. Vera,
Will Republicans filibuster the right of Democrats to filibuster, or something?
Regards, Your Friend Flicka The Right Hon. Sen. James Strom Thurmond, ret’d., dec’d. Playtex™ Corporation Maidenform™, Inc. The Senate Republican Caucus Of The Itty Bitty Titty Committeee Mr. Smith… [Read more]
Dear Mrs. Vera,
Can you think of any way that our beloved Paula Deen can redeem herself?
Fondest regards, your friend, Emeril J. Lagasse
Dear Emerald J-Lo Gassy,
You have always been a kind, generous and spicy soul, and it is to your credit that you show compassion to Ms. Deen in what is not her finest hour in the oven or 4 minutes per side in the frying pan.… [Read more]
