Ask Mrs. Vera: So, is it time for the voters of Ohio to recall John Boehner?

Dear Mrs. Vera,

So, is it time for the voters of Ohio to recall GOP Speaker of the House, John Boehner?

Regards, Somehow uncertain independent Ohio voter John Q. Public

Mrs. Vera Newman,San Francisco, California.Photo: Mark Trevorrow

Dear Junk Pukeblitzer,

Thanks for writing in, yet again, as you begin the long process of letting somebody else eventually make up your State’s mind for you.… [Read more]

Ask Mrs. Vera: Will the Fukushima nuclear plant destroy the world?

Dear Mrs. Vera,

Will the Fukushima nuclear plant destroy the world?

Yours Sincerely, Leó Szilárd, Budapest, Hungary

Dear Louis Lizard and all my troubled readers fearing the end of the world before they ever get to see Belgium up close in person and say “Walloon” a lot,

Don’t panic. Let’s all just quickly, quietly and in an orderly manner proceed to the sub-sub basement while thinking centered thoughts about frolicking, boiling dolphins fleeing the Pacific Ocean, um, er, I mean contented piles of algae growing slowly on the shores of Antarctica, as we make our way to the panic room/world headquarters in our new exciting subterranean mise-en-scene, before finally drawing a deep breath and relaxing.… [Read more]

Ask Mrs. Vera: Should PFC Bradley Manning have received 35 years in jail or a medal?

Dear Mrs. Vera,

Should PFC Bradley Manning have received 35 years in jail or a medal?

Regards, Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn Tunguska Hollow, Cloud Heaven… [Read more]

Ask Mrs. Vera: Would You Rather Be Rich Or Thin?

Dear Mrs. Vera,

Would you rather be rich or thin?

With sincere regards, Cornelius “Commodore” Vanderbilt, De Bilt, Utrecht, Netherlands

Mrs. Vera Newman,San Francisco, California.Photo: Michael Johnstone

Before addressing this week’s overpriced socio-political scoop of cottage cheese on a pretty plate with a picture of a peach printed on it, I must admit up front that I have never truly understood the rank and title of “Commodore,” though I really appreciate the topic.… [Read more]

Ask Mrs. Vera: How come Bank of America pays .01% interest when their profits are up 63%?

Dear Mrs. Vera,

How come Bank of America pays one hundredth of one percent interest when their profits are up 63 percent?

Regards, Henry F. “Mister” Potter, Bedford Falls, NY

Mrs. Vera Newman,San Francisco, California.Photo: James Bartlett

Dear Henny HalfPenny Pincher, sorry, I meant Baron Von Bankenstein,… [Read more]

Ask Mrs. Vera: Will Republicans filibuster the right of Democrats to filibuster?

Dear Mrs. Vera,

Will Republicans filibuster the right of Democrats to filibuster, or something?

Regards, Your Friend Flicka The Right Hon. Sen. James Strom Thurmond, ret’d., dec’d. Playtex™ Corporation Maidenform™, Inc. The Senate Republican Caucus Of The Itty Bitty Titty Committeee Mr. Smith… [Read more]

Dear Mrs. Vera: Can Paula Deen redeem herself?

Dear Mrs. Vera,

Can you think of any way that our beloved Paula Deen can redeem herself?

Fondest regards, your friend, Emeril J. Lagasse

Mrs. Vera Newman,San Francisco, California.Photo: Fletcher Oakes

Dear Emerald J-Lo Gassy,

You have always been a kind, generous and spicy soul, and it is to your credit that you show compassion to Ms.… [Read more]

Ask Mrs. Vera: What will become of America now that the Supreme Court has legalized same sex marriage?

Dear Mrs. Vera,

What will become of America now that the Supreme Court has legalized same sex marriage?

Retrogards, Phyllis McAlpo Stewpot Schlafly

Mrs. Vera Newman,San Francisco, California.Photo: Vinc LeVinc

I apologize for the brevity of this week’s column in advance to all those deluging me with wedding etiquette questions, the answer to every single one of which is, A) congratulations and B) The only thing you need to know is that love is love is love, and the fork is worn to the left.… [Read more]

Ask Mrs. Vera: Why Are We Still Looking For Jimmy Hoffa?

Dear Mrs. Vera,

Why do we keep looking for the body of Jimmy Hoffa?

Regards, Eliot Ness

Mrs. Vera Newman,San Francisco, California.Photo: Cameron Wolf.

Oh, I get this question all the time – at least two or three times a week. The mailroom of Ask Mrs. Vera is a virtual fire hazard from such inquiries! Unfortunately, all these letters are from the same person and, even worse, are written on a very unattractive, out-of-date and soggy tartan stationary.… [Read more]

Ask Mrs. Vera: Should There Be a Mandatory Retirement Age for the House and Senate?

Dear Mrs. Vera,

Should there be a mandatory retirement age for the House and Senate? This Congressional Afterlife Country Club I joined is letting just anyone and everyone in.  I’m thinking of coming back from the dead and running for office in South Carolina.

Regards, Even though I hate your work and everything about you, The Hoovering-Around-The-Set-Of-A Scooby-Doo™-Cartoon Ghost Of Jesse Helms.… [Read more]

Ask Mrs Vera: How will we survive without Michele Bachmann in Congress?

Dear Mrs. Vera,

How will we ever do without Michele Bachmann in Congress? Does her time there really need to end? Fondest regards…  and PS: you are my favorite Autumn! I can totally see you in this pale persimmon silk blouse with cream-colored Peter Pan collar under a pale, not too minty green/nut-brown pin-striped pencil skirt business suit ensemble, and I’m thinking: Jimmy Choos for you, I am!… [Read more]

Ask Mrs. Vera: Will you be shopping at Abercrombie & Fitch?

Dear Mrs. Vera,

Will you be shopping at Abercrombie & Fitch?

Regards, Michael Stanton Jeffries

Mrs. Vera Newman,San Francisco, CaliforniaPhoto: Vinc LeVinc

Hello my loyal readers, this week’s column, for once, is a true manners bonanza, and not just because I found an old Michael Landon hair or eleven in the chicken soup I ate last night, alone, over the sink, from the can, with my fingers.… [Read more]

Ask Mrs. Vera: Will Christie’s weight loss affect the 2016 elections?

Dear Mrs. Vera,

How do you think New Jersey’s Governor Christie’s impending weight loss will affect the 2016 Presidential election?

Regards,

Mrs. Connie Fasquatti, Passaic/Hoboken Newborn Beautiful (finalist) 1943, Miss Little Trenton 1947, Glassboro Crab Queen 1963, 1967, 1978-81, Miss Patterson 2009

Mrs. Vera Newman,San Francisco, California.Photo: Dee Leitner.

Dear Confiscated Paysack Hobo #9876543211=0,

Thanks for your letter, dear — love your hat!… [Read more]

Ask Mrs. Vera: What can a mother do?

Dear Mrs. Vera,

What do you do when all of your relatives want to run for President?

Barbara Pierce Bush, Flushing, New York

Mrs. Vera Newman,San Francisco, California.Photo: Bill Bowers

Dear BooBerry Piecebush,

So sorry to be addressing your inquiry so many years after receiving your letter; the envelope was just so unattractive and I am so sensitive to cheap perfume that I had to keep it sealed in a black Ziploc® bag, which I had to paint black myself, because they didn’t make those back in 1988 when it arrived and I could have really used one because, P.U.… [Read more]

Ask Mrs. Vera: Can George W. Bush rehabilitate himself?

Dear Mrs. Vera,

I’ve been busy trying to keep my family alive and in a house for so long, I’ve forgotten why everyone hates George W. Bush!  Except, you know, those swell people he knew and changed laws and regulations for, so that they could make so much money that I almost don’t even recognize us as members of the same species any more.… [Read more]

Dear Mrs. Vera: Who will you miss more, Margaret Thatcher or Annette Funicello?

Dear Mrs. Vera,

Who will you miss more, Margaret Thatcher or Annette Funicello?

Regards,

Walter Rodentia Epcot Correctional Institute Tuskaloosa, Fluorida… [Read more]

Ask Mrs. Vera: Is the apology from Rep. Don Young (R-AK) enough?

Dear Mrs. Vera,

I’ve got a puzzler for you from the most northern, whitest and most frigid state of the union! It is regarding the kindest, gentlest way to handle awkward social situations that arise when old people embarrass themselves unintentionally by cluelessly referring to people they hold in contempt with candid racist slurs that both affirm their own feeling of superiority while dehumanizing the humans that made their Daddy’s business so profitable in a frozen hellhole.… [Read more]

Ask Mrs. Vera: Will The New Pope Stick to His Vow of Poverty?

Dear Mrs. Vera,

A bunch of us nuns were chewing the fat on a Tuesday recently and taking bets on who could give up what and, well, things got a little heated and things were said by some sisters to other sisters (honestly, I can’t even tell us apart anymore), but, anyway, a lot of rosaries were thrown in spirited emphasis, and that yielded up some bruised feelings as well as a bunch of crucifix-shaped forehead dents, so anyway, anyway, we did a convent huddle and decided that we would abide by whatever advice you give us to keep the peace.… [Read more]

Dear Mrs. Vera: Will There Ever Be a Gay Lobby?

Dear Mrs. Vera, Do you think there will ever be a gay lobby? Dennis the Doorman Washington, DC

Mrs. Vera Newman,San Francisco, California.Photo: Arlon Kundson.

Dear Mary Dennis,

Thanks for your light-hearted, carefree inquisition about what the architects of the future have in store for people entering into relationships, and buildings, with members of their own sex.… [Read more]

Dear Mrs. Vera: How will we ever be able to do without the penny?

Dear Mrs. Vera,

I’ve heard that they’re thinking of retiring the penny. How do you think we’ll get along without them?

Regards, Fearful in Fort Knox

Mrs. Vera NewmanSan Francisco, CaliforniaPhoto: Xero Britt

Dear Kfearful in Kfort Fnox,

The demise of the Penny will be the demise of us all, especially if you happen to be lost in space with June Lockhart and Doctor Smith when it happens.… [Read more]