Ask Mrs. Vera: Is the apology from Rep. Don Young (R-AK) enough?

Vera, licking glue gun

Dear Mrs. Vera,

I’ve got a puzzler for you from the most northern, whitest and most frigid state of the union! It is regarding the kindest, gentlest way to handle awkward social situations that arise when old people embarrass themselves unintentionally by cluelessly referring to people they hold in contempt with candid racist slurs that both affirm their own feeling of superiority while dehumanizing the humans that made their Daddy’s business so profitable in a frozen hellhole.… [Read more]

April 1st, 2013. A day of miracles!…(?)

Miracles happen!

A few near-miraculous events have taken place today. This April 1st is one for the history books!

The War on Women has been declared over. The men of the Republican party, joined by a few blue dog Democrats and Republican women, announced that they realised that unless they begin attending medical school in droves, any woman’s uterus is none of their business.… [Read more]

Ask Mrs. Vera: Will The New Pope Stick to His Vow of Poverty?

Mrs. Vera with earmuffs and safety pins

Dear Mrs. Vera,

A bunch of us nuns were chewing the fat on a Tuesday recently and taking bets on who could give up what and, well, things got a little heated and things were said by some sisters to other sisters (honestly, I can’t even tell us apart anymore), but, anyway, a lot of rosaries were thrown in spirited emphasis, and that yielded up some bruised feelings as well as a bunch of crucifix-shaped forehead dents, so anyway, anyway, we did a convent huddle and decided that we would abide by whatever advice you give us to keep the peace.… [Read more]

Dear Mrs. Vera: What’s the difference between Costco & Wal*Mart?

Mrs. Vera Newman,
San Francisco, California.
Photo: Emi Photo

Dear Mrs. Vera,

Can you please tell me the difference between Costco and Wal*Mart?  I can never decide where to shop.

Regards,
Walton Brotman Anaheim,
Azuza, California… [Read more]

Benedict Spills His Guts in New Tell-All Bio Book

Religious book - tell all

Freed from the bonds of the Papacy, protected by Papal Immunity, but no longer the Supreme Pontiff of the Holy Roman Catholic Church, Joe Ratzinger blows the dome off of St. Peter’s Basillica and allows you to see what’s going on inside with his BLOCKBUSTER BEST SELLER…

“VICE IN THE VATICAN”

“We used to have little Friday night shows in the Sistine Chapel where a chorus line of altar boys would come in and sing Broadway show tunes!”

–Joe Ratzinger, Pope Emeritus

“VICE IN THE VATICAN”![Read more]

Negroes? With GUNS? RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

negroes-with-guns

Bill Schmalfeldt was otherwise occupied this week having his foot surgically removed from the descending colon of a wingnut lawbreaker. So this week, his space is occupied by a guest columnist.

by Lester Smelgerson
Public Affairs Spokesman
Howard County, Maryland, Tea Party Splinter Group
That Splintered from Real Tea Party Upon Learning
Actual Tea Party is a Tool of the Left Being Used
to Make People Hate Conservatives

Our worst nightmares are coming true.… [Read more]

Still, It’s Easier Than Dealing With Republicans

Easier than dealing with Republicans

After months of frustrating negotiations, I finally came to a deal with my dogs last week that allows them to crap on the living room rug as much as they like.

It was a bipartisan deal, the product of weeks of strenuous back-and-forth.

Considering how far apart we were at the onset, frankly, I’m amazed we made the deal at all.… [Read more]

Fecal Cliff Crisis Put Off One More Day

Brain

After strenuous negotiations with the lower intestines, the Body finally passed a continuing “Moist Driftwood” resolution that allowed for the continued order and function of its digestive system for one more day. Thus, the daily “Fecal Cliff” crisis has been pushed back for another 24 hours.

“It’s frustrating to have to go through this every day,” said Bill Schmalfeldt’s brain, nominal chief executive and operating officer of the Body.… [Read more]

NEVER MIND MY NEW BOOK (Which is 50% off until Dec. 1) — CRIMES have been committed!

Here's the book that I hope you will consider purchasing, especially since it's only $7.50 until December 1.  Because I love you.  That's why.

OK, either you’re interested in the new book by now or you’re not. What we’re interested in now at the Patriot-Ombudsman is justice. Crimes have been committed and the people who committed them need to stand before the bar to answer for their wrongdoing.… [Read more]

Here’s what we’ve established.

Did Romney and his Horrible Sons Kidnap Two Nice Doggies?

irish setter

Applying the same journalistic standards as the Daily Caller and the Washington Times in their reporting of the Robert Menendez story yesterday morning, we at the Patriot-Ombudsman can now reveal the shocking truth that will certainly bring Mitt Romney’s campaign to the screeching halt it has already seemed to have screeched to.

Two Ohio Irish Setters from the Toledo, Ohio area, claim that Mitt Romney took them from their yards, forced them into doggie carriers, had his five sons tie them to the top of the campaign bus and drive up and down the Ohio Turnpike until they soiled themselves in fear.… [Read more]

Is the Government Prepared for ‘Frankenstorm’s’ Affect on Early Voting?

Hurricane Sandy

Here on the East Coast of the United States, we wait with anxiety and dread the horror that will clog our sewers and storm drains with our dead. They call it “Frankenstorm.” We’ll probably lose power. There will likely be lives lost. Millions, if not billions in property damage. Thank goodness the pundits are focusing on the most important impact this storm may have on the lives of people from Virginia to New Hampshire.… [Read more]

A Transmission from Somewhere Near Kolob

Kolob

The audio of a teleconference conducted in June between Mitt Romney and the National Federation of Independent Business, revealed this past weekend by the website “In These Times,” shows Romney asking these employers to give a not-so-thinly veiled warning of the dire consequences of an Obama victory. Not the least of which, “you’re all fired.” The “threat” part of the audio is in Romney’s closing remarks, so please don’t subject yourself to the entire half hour.… [Read more]

A Scene from the Romney White House

White House

The Diplomat from China was waved through the back entrance to the White House, just like a hundred times before.

Since President Romney took office things have been great for the Chinese. The invasion of Taiwan took place and the country was securely absorbed with the mainland. Over 250,000 Taiwanese died fighting the invasion, but the island is slated to become a resort for the new Mainland’s middle class.… [Read more]

‘No Hiring Until Obama’s Gone’ Guy HIRES a Guy — and Obama’s Not Gone

Not hiring until Obama is gone...

Oh, and he’s running for the US Senate.

Seriously.

You may recall hearing something about this around a year ago when I worked as a writer for the woebegone Examiner.com (before I was canned for excessive truth telling that interfered with the Examiner’s conservative money-making business model), I tracked down a story about Bill Looman, a tin-plated dictator who runs the North Georgia Militia.… [Read more]

“Occupy Unmasked” Mostly “Occupy Unwatched”

Occupy Unmasked

Did we say “Spring 2012″ Whoops!

Well, June 5 is technically still spring, right? But then… um… Who’s to say when one season ends and another begins. This is BREITBART WORLD after all, and practical rules of physics do not apply here. Things ARE what WE say they are! So it will open in JUNE…

Yeah.… [Read more]

Wrap It Up – I’m Dreaming

the_white_house

Although this is a satirical piece, we have no doubt that there are many who feel this way. Randy Newman’s song, “I’m Dreaming“, is an interesting trip down memory lane and, given Mitt Romney’s latest debacle, there’s something about this that seems like it’s what Romney and his ilk are hoping for.

Sorry folks.… [Read more]

A Fictional Meeting to Decide Mitt’s Fate

darpas-solar-powered-blimp-2_Rdqdj_11446-750x433

Hovering over the 26 miles of water separating Catalina Island from the California mainland, the Secret Koch Brothers Zeppelin is the site for a top secret meeting of the Billionaire Cabal. David and Stephen Koch play host to Sheldon Adelson, Foster Friess, Phillip Anschutz, and several other billionaires who stand to gain the world if a Republican is elected in November.… [Read more]

Horrible Old Man in Wheelchair Threatens Right Wing Scam, I Mean, Fundraising Efforts with Truthtelling – Files IC3 Complaint and 2nd Report with Dallas PD

dumbells

Update: Since certain people can’t take “Shut Yer Rotting Gob” as a hint, I have filed an Internet Cyber Crimes report and a Second Report with the Dallas Police Department against a certain individual who is using my name to raise money the same way a televangelist uses “Satan.” No more playing! ALLLLLLLL Done!… [Read more]
Meet “The Threat to All that is Good and Decent!”
His name is Bill Schmalfeldt.

Miracles and Wonders Like What You Never Saw! Part II

Lost Sheep

In today’s Encyclical, the Holy Uncle shares Part II of some of the miracles and wonders that survive the rewriting of Sacred Scripture in the new Tea Party Version (TPV) of the Bible.

ENCYCLICAL THE FIFTH, Part II

Well hello there, my children. Thank you, again, for dialing up the pope, or whatever you call it on this Internet thing.… [Read more]

Miracles and Wonders Like What You Never Saw! Clever Ways to Turn a Buck!

Screen shot 2011-04-28 at 2.00.00 PM

In today’s Encyclical, the Holy Uncle shares some of the miracles and wonders that survive the rewriting of Sacred Scripture in the new Tea Party Version (TPV) of the Bible.

ENCYCLICAL THE FIFTH, Part I

Well hello there, my children. Thank you for dialing up the pope, or whatever you call it on this Internet thing.… [Read more]