The Hubris of Heterosexuality

We’re queer. Get fucking used to it. Image:

It’s amazing what people think they can say to you.

“I mean, I don’t accept your lifestyle, but we can still be cool.”

Whatchu mean you don’t accept my lifestyle, but “we” can still be cool?   Who the fuck do you think you are?

I’ve pretty much had it with benevolent acceptance of willful ignorance.  If cats are on stupid shit, I feel compelled to not only be intolerant of it, but also to call it out when I see it.

As a political scientist, I’ve learned that politics depends on an analysis of relationships — interpersonal ones as well as those between individuals and institutions (government, church, etc.). It’s the interpersonal ones that inform policies and can alter the ways we relate to our institutions. For this reason, I always find it interesting that Presidential candidates seek to pander first to the wholesome folks of middle America, and those good and honorable patriots in the South (whose schools and highways still bear the names of Confederate generals). The rationale is that these people consistently vote, and consistently vote conservatively. But do the politicos ever stop to consider why? In theory, conservatism is a fine ideological perspective, but it thrives on a fear of the unknown. Ideological conservatism appears incapable of conceiving of an “unfamiliar” that isn’t also automatically construed as “worse and/or less than” that which you know.

I told my mother I was gay almost 7 months ago, and it has gone better than I had hoped in some respects, and worse in others. My father is rational and understands that having a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend doesn’t make me any less extraordinary as a human being, nor any less productive as a citizen of the world. My mother, on the other hand, has declared all out war with my sexuality and with me. Initially, I understood her hurt and her shock. Assumptions are comfortable until the assumption of your greatest fear gets confirmed. It takes people time to grapple with new realities. I get that, and I respect that position.

My tolerance ends at the notion that because I am gay, my lifestyle (I’ve grown to loathe this word) is less serious than the “normal” heterosexual lifestyle. This gay thing must be a phase, or I must hate men because of some awful affront they (yep, all of ’em) perpetrated upon me. Or perhaps I’m confused because I secretly want to be a man.

I call bullshit. Thinking this way is evidence of one’s lack of exposure to diversity, both cultural and intellectual.

It’s one thing to not know the various incarnations of everything in our vast universe. It’s quite another, however, to be so arrogant about shit you don’t fucking know. People have gone out of their way to ensure that gay men and women aren’t allowed to marry or adopt children, or serve openly in the military. This obstruction of equality indicates that the only legitimate kind of love exists between heterosexuals. This is the kind of logic that would support two crack heads getting married on a whim in Vegas, or a woman who meets, courts, and selects a fiancé from a pool of 25 on national television. And speaking of crack heads, I remember when the former mayor of DC, Marion Barry, weighed in on marriage equality. He was against it because…well, it doesn’t even matter why. This cat got caught trying to fuck around on his wife, while snorting a crack rock. But Mayor Barry and his constituents think they should be able to tell me that I can’t marry my girlfriend. “…but we can still be cool.” This is the hubris of heterosexuality, and fuck that.

Despite having had beautiful and fulfilling relationships with the women in my life, my mother is convinced that what I’m missing is a man to make me the “apple of his eye”. There is nothing more infuriating to me than the assertion that I need a man to validate me, my womanhood, or my person-hood.  The idea that a woman hasn’t yet reached her full potential until she’s the apple of some man’s eye … Yeah, fuck that too.

I’ve lost all patience with folks’ “tolerance” of my “lifestyle”, as if how I live is fundamentally different from the way most others live, or as if they’re projecting heterosexual benevolence and doing me a favor. And fuck that. My relationships are an extension of all that I am; they are loving human interactions with wonderful human beings. I don’t care what peoples’ religious, traditional, cultural, and personal dispositions are, or why they are. But I know that being gay has never defined me; being authentic about who I am as an individual, however, has. Thus, the proper respect for me and mine, is absolutely non-negotiable. And if one cannot accept that, then no. We can’t be cool. He or she has more life work to do.

And finally, because I’m gay doesn’t mean I automatically want you, ma’am, to ride this ride.  There are standards, and being a woman is merely the beginning.


For more thoughts from this author, please read —>  Cognitive Promiscuity


  1. As I’m reading this I find I’m nodding my head, more and more vigorously, until I get to the third para from the end at which point my agreement becomes vocal. In this day and age you’d think we’d have progressed far beyond the concept that a woman needs a man to validate her…..but no, it’s still being used to make women feel less than worthy – and the really sad thing is this myth is predominantly fostered by other women!

    • I have to say how fed up I am how people are still passing judgement on people whose lives don’t have any impact on them whatsoever. What comes across to me is that heterosexual people want to tell gay people how to live and who to live with. Why should another human being be able to do that and please don’t answer me with anything from the Bible. I am not anti Bible but I do want some tangible reason why people feel this way. I am heterosexual but feel very strongly about the way heterosexuals want to demonize gay people in this society. Im so sick of it. The conservatives in America get the label of salt of the earth (more like salty) and they get credited with being the norm and most heterosexual nuclear families are dysfunctional as hell and produce more fucked up individuals. From what I have seen gay couples have more stable relationships than straight couples. I am happy for anyone, gay or straight, who can stay in a relationship and make it work and still manage to be happy and respectful of each other.

      • Brooklyn Dame says

        We’re all human. Period. This need of some heterosexuals to impose their will and beliefs on homosexuals needs to come to an end. I agree; using biblical excuses is not something I want to hear — I figure if that’s YOUR belief and you’re so concerned about going to hell, then do what’s right for you and let others worry for themselves about if and/or whether they’ll go to hell. I figure that I’m straight and I’m not forced to explain or defend myself — why isn’t the same basic courtesy extended to gay people? All of these folks will see, one day, that as usual, they’re on the wrong side of history AND humanity.

    • Brooklyn Dame says

      EXACTLY, Alice! We are very often our own worst enemy!

  2. Ladies, this post was so personal for me. It was born of months of frustration with the coming out process and my mom. I got so sick of folks mischaracterizing my life because they didn’t understand it, and because they felt comfortable with the skewed perception of it. It was time to take a stand. Thank you for being receptive!

    • Brooklyn Dame says

      And a HUGE stand it was/is! We thank you for sharing so much of yourself and your experiences with us!

  3. Awesome post. Thanks for sharing. This is especially important as it relates to the exceptionally dopey culture war nonsense sweeping the nation.

  4. Brooklyn Dame says

    Thanks for posting this! It’s StumbledUpon, Tumblr’d, Tweeted and it’s all over HuffingtonPost; people NEED to read this! 🙂


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