Sensing an overall lull in interest after approaching the 3652nd Republican Primary Debate of the 2012 election, RNC chairman Reince Prebus has announced that the next GOP debate will be focused exclusively around trivia relating to former President, and GOP man-God, Ronald Reagan.Prebus, in an exclusive interview to Borderless News and Views(BNV), said, “So we were all sitting around, trying to figure out how to try and get people interesting in the shit-slinging again. Then we kind of got off topic and started daydreaming about how frickin’ awesome Reagan is (pretty usual day, really). And then BOOM! Idea!”. He added, “the only thing that matters, really, is how much a candidate loves Reagan, right? So, we thought, how about we test the candidates on how much Reagan-based knowledge they have?”
According to Prebus, the debate will be held this upcoming Wednesday, February 1 at 9pm at Reagan’s Alma Mater, Eureka College in Eureka, IL. Though Prebus has refused to release the moderator’s identity, claiming it will be a “surprise”, rumors have begun spreading through Facebook and Twitter mentioning conservative figures as varied as Sean Hannity, Dennis Miller, Ann Coulter, and Ben Stein.
After hearing the announcement, GOP prospective candidates have already begun boasting about their Reagan knowledge. Romney, first out of the gate, noted that his vast collection of Reagan-based memorabilia demonstrated him as the clear winner. In a press conference January 27, lasting over 3 hours, the presidential hopeful allowed reporters exclusive access to his “RWR home away from home”, a 5 foot by 30 foot trailer attached to his campaign bus filled to capacity with Reagan-branded fine china. During the press conference Romney said, “I got Reagan stuff from cradle to the grave. I got the ‘37 Reagan Love is In the Air punch bowl, the ‘81 commemorative election shot glasses, AND the ‘96 reissue Nancy Reagan ash tray. And this is just stuff I have here, I have like 10 times this much at home.” He added, “Where do you think my 26 million goes, people? Into collecting Reagan-themed everything!”
In a response to questions relating to how his memorabilia purchases affected his under 15 percent taxable income rate, Romney replied: “Well, I co-sponsored the bill to make Reagan memorabilia tax-deductible in 2006. So it’s all write-off, as it totally should be.”
Gingrich, not to be outdone, held an impromptu press conference in which he pointed out his close relationship to Reagan during his time as Speaker of the House. Gingrich said, “Not many people know this, but Reagan and I actually mind-melded in 1990 while I was Minority Whip. He entrusted me and me alone to receive his awesome knowledge and powers. This debate is a done deal.” He added, “Did you know that Reagan once stole Bobby Young’s lunch money in 4th grade? No one does, except for me. Bring it bitches, I know all his dark secrets!”
Santorum and Paul have similarly come out with statements relating to the recent announcement. Santorum said, “By the power of Reagan I will win this! I pray to Him every night, I know He hears me and knows my faith in Him is absolute.” Santorum also expressed a surprisingly high level of devotion for the former President, adding:
“I morally and ethically oppose homosexuality with every fiber of my spirit, but, no homo, I’d totally ride that D if [Reagan] were still with us. Just out of respect.”
Paul, always the iconoclast of campaign, denied know that much about Reagan, but noted that he still believed he would win the sensibilities of the audience, if not through point count. “While everyone else is blabbering on about how awesome Reagan is, I’m going to be talking about real politics! Either that or read from my copy of Atlas Shrugged, depends on how tired I am.” He added, “nine’s really dag-gone late for me to be up.”
According to Prebus, he and the RNC claim to have very high hopes for this debate. “We’ve been talking to RNC chapters around the country, and we’re even thinking about completely blowing the whole ‘primary’ thing and just giving the nomination to the best performer.”
“That’s totally legal, right?”
Humblest thanks and photo credit belongs to the observant Mr. Mario Piperni. His art and his articles, may be found at MarioPiperni.com Please read Mr. Piperni’s piece about Debunking the Reagan Myths here: http://mariopiperni.com/conservative-bullshit/debunking-the-reagan-myths.php.