Freddie Mac: Gotta First-Born Child? You Gotta Loan!

Image: CCO

Dear Valued Borrower,

With the landslide success of the Let Freddie Mac Do Whatever the Hell They Want Act of 2012 (also known as HR-65), we at Freddie Mac are pleased to announce the nation’s first ever First Infant-Backed (FIB) secured loan refinancing option! With a FIB loan, almost anyone can get a loan for a new home, jet ski, or stylish “man cave” without nasty credit checks or outrageous interest rates. And because FIB loans use your first-born child as collateral, potential borrowers don’t even require further material assets to be approved.

Not only is refinancing with a FIB loan easy, it takes only minutes to fill out the application online, and one of our specialized appraisers will contact you within 24 hours.

We think FIB loans are so great, in the next few years we’ll be transitioning all of our current loans to FIB loans to save you time and paperwork. However, voluntary adopters to the program will receive especially low interest rates, so start now!

If you aren’t convinced just yet, just read our Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) below to see just how easy it is to finance the FIB way!


Q: How do I apply for a FIB loan?

A: Easy! Just fill out this form today and we’ll send out an appraiser to make sure your child is eligible for the program as soon as possible. If he or she is, appraisers can approve the loan on-site. Customers taking part in our pre-launch program frequently got their loans approved same day!

Q: How does the appraisal process work?

All children are appraised through a process which includes an extensive delousing and physical examination by one of Freddie Mac’s quasi-licensed physicians. In most cases, this process is completely free and take only a few hours.

Q:  During my child’s appraisal, I could hear his/her screams from the other side of the screen. Is this normal?

A: Though Freddie Mac cares greatly about the quality care of your child (henceforth referred to as “collateral”), some collateral do find the appraisal process mildly uncomfortable and may make noise during the process. This is completely normal, however borrowers and family members of the collateral must stay of the other side of the curtain at all times during the procedure. Failure to do so will result in automatic loan disqualification.

Freddie would also like to note that any rights to legal recourse in relation to the appraisal procedure are waived during during the loan application process, and will also result in automatic loan disqualification.

Q: My child now has a brand on the back of her neck that says “Property of Freddie Mac”. Is this normal?

In order to protect the proprietary nature of each FIB loan, all collateral accepted into the program are branded with the Freddie Mac logo. As part of HR-65, any and all collateral who are branded with the FA logo are considered sole property of Freddie Mac and subject to prosecution/detention if found moving outside of their assigned jurisdiction without prior notice to Freddie Mac.

Don’t worry, though; the brand is completely reversible and can be removed once all loans have been repaid. However, with the Freddie Mac brand logo set to become the next big fashion trend among young urbanites, your child might even want to keep it!

Q: What happens after the appraisal process?

A: After the appraisal process, please give all of the collateral’s identifying documents, including but not limited to: birth records, social security cards, and state-issued licenses, to the certified Freddie Mac appraiser. Only after this will the appraiser give you a first and final offer for the FIB loan, which will be considered accepted as a result of the pre-appraisal waiver to arbitratration (form XYG-5345).

Q: How much will my child be worth?

A: Freddie Mac appraisers use a system for pricing options which include such markers of quality as temperment, age, gender, ethnicity, and a proprietary “star factor” modeling index. Acceptable collateral amounts may range anywhere from $10,000 to $100,000 dollars.

Q: What if my first-born child is somehow injured or killed?

A: In the case of a collateral’s njury, FA will conduct a re-appraisal based on medical records concerning the accident/dismenberment/death. Damage to collateral children may be cause for adjustment of the loan agreement and/or repayment schedule.

Note: Freddie Mac will not pay part or whole of any funeral procedures related to accidental death of collateral child, which at death will revert back to the responsibility of the borrower.

Q: What happens to my child if I cannot pay back my loan?

If you are unable to repay your loan, your debt will be handed to a specialized collection agency which will work with you to come to a resolution. Smaller debts may be paid in part or whole through a collateral’s transplantable organs or limbs, if applicable.

If a resolution to any outstanding debt is not reached within 30 days, a borrower will be considered in loan default and all relevant collateral will become permanently the sole property of Freddie Mac. Most collateral seized as the result of a default are either resold through Freddie Mac’s Lonely Families, Needy Children program or sent to a Freddie Mac-subsidized Schooling and Care Facility.

Q: I have already loaned my child out to receive a previous loan. Can I loan out a second or third-born child?

A: Second- and Third-Born children are accepted or rejected as collateral on a case-by-case basis. Please speak with your appraiser for more information.