So it’s Valentine’s Day, and even though you totally decided last week that you LOURVEE [GOP primary candidate] and totally want to go steady with him, you just were too busy and forgot to get the Valentine’s chocolates/card/Super PAC you meant to. Now all you can imagine is him sitting at home alone chugging caviar-covered Haagen Daaz (or whatever rich people eat), sobbing bitterly and ruminating on those sad, sad Elementary years when Joanie McAmerica would pass them by for the older, cooler candidates. ‘Bet you Obama gets all sorts of Valentine’s Day cards!’, they may say to themselves jealously, on their fifth glass of Merlot. ‘Oh, who am I kidding? America doesn’t like me, I’m not attractive and cool enough to be President…’
Well, their pessimism may be absolutely warranted and correct, but this is Valentine’s Day god damnit and everyone deserves some love (okay maybe not, but go with me here). So, I’ve generously compiled a list of the perfect belated V-Day gifts for your GOP candidate of choice.
Fisher Price Pocket-Sized Government
So it looks like now Ron is never going to actually get the chance to create the “pocket-sized government” that he and the PaulBots so dreamed of. However, that doesn’t mean a man can’t dream, so give Ronnie the gift of imagination this Valentine’s Day with a custom-ordered pocket-sized government playset!
Now, Ron can play around with all the government spending cuts he’s ever imagined, all without actually doing harm to functional society or the sane. The Pocket-sized government playset even has it’s own newpaper and public relations manager, so Ron can publish his own pretend newsletter while maintaining he doesn’t know what’s going in it!
Harvey Dent’s Two Face Coin Prop Replica and The Dark Knight on Blu-ray
Romney’s consistent acrobat-esque ability to change opinions on anything makes him quite difficult to shop for, I must admit. One week he’s totally down with paying for your healthcare premiums, the next he’s totally against it. One week he’s kinda sort of okay with your subscription to Ms. and regular donations to Planned Parenthood, next week he’s protesting outside your office with WBC*!
Your first inclination might be to get Romney something cute and caring, something like a puppy to keep him company and love him unconditionally even when his base leaves him for their next GOP fling. That would be ill-advised**. Instead, let him know in a playful way that you understand his penchant for flip-flopping by paying tribute to his favorite Batman villian: Two-face! Though his obscene wealth probably assure that he owns both of these gifts, he’ll still appreciate the thought you’ve put into truly understanding his “unique” personality. Plus, the coin replica means Romney can now decide on-the-fly what side of a debate he’s actually going to support, which is going to be very useful in the general election when he has to disavow everything he’s said thus far.
Embryo Plush Doll and Google Filtering Software
Santorum, unlike his (very marginally) more electable contemporary Romney, is fairly easy to shop for. You just have to play to his interests. What does Santorum love more than anything else in the world, so much that he would fight the beasts of common sense and overwhelming public opinion to hold on to?
That’s right: unborn human embryos. Now, I wasn’t exactly able to find a place that made unborn human embryo plush dolls, but they have to be somewhere out there. Just Google it.
Actually, while we’re on the subject of “Google”, a good back-up gift would probably be some internet filtering software. Considering Rick Santorum seems to be the only person alive unaware of what Santorum means, making sure he continues to stay in blissful ignorance of that fact would also be a gift in itself.
Moonraker/Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me Collector’s Combo Pack
If anyone has reason to be sad on Valentine’s day, it’s Newty. To be so close to victory in South Carolina, only to have it snatched from his flabby hands so quickly by Mr. Inevitable! How tragic a world Newt must live in, to have embarked on such a Sisyphean task only to be knock aside at the last minute!!
Okay, enough waxing poetic. For Valentine’s Day, let’s give Gingrich what he really wanted all along: a super sweet-bitchin moon base! Both Moonraker and Austin Powers 2 are fun, action-packed movies about moon bases that will simultaneously have Gingrich healthily reminiscing what could have been and getting emotionally ready to drag every other GOP candidate into the ground with him for the next few weeks.
*WBC = Westboro Baptist Church, for the uninformed.
** May Mitt Romney’s dog, Seamus, rest in peace.