Here’s a fun list of 100 dull and dim things that most conservatives think are true, despite any and all evidence to the contrary that they are lies:
1. The Earth is only 6,000 years old.
2. Humans, at one time, co-existed (and perhaps rode) dinosaurs.
3. God created the Universe in six days. Then he took a day off.
4. God is a Male, meaning God has male parts, although nobody really knows why God would need male parts.
5. Humans were created looking just like we do now.
6. Black people bear the Mark of Cain. That’s how we know they’re bad.
7. Black people are genetically inferior, although it’s impolite to say so when they can hear you.
8. Every worthwhile advance in humanity was created by Western Europeans.
9. Gays want to teach our kids how to be gay.
10. Gays in the military will be too busy trying to bother straight service people to kill the brown people they are ordered to kill.
11. Straight people in the military will be so busy trying to avoid being bothered by the Gays that they won’t be able to kill the brown people we order them to kill.
12. Women who use birth control are immoral.
13. Family planning is a sin.
14. Stem cell research is a sin.
15. “Self-abuse” is a sin.
16. Viagra should be covered by health insurance, birth control, no!
17. Women should have to get an OK from their doctor and their man before getting birth control.
18. Men do not have to prove they actually have erectile dysfunction, even though viagra can kill them.
19. God hates Gays.
20. Even though Jesus never said word one about the Gay, it is a sin because some guy who never even met Jesus said it is.
21. Christian charity is all well and good, but taxes are evil.
22. If you fire a public servant, you save tax money and the person who had the job disappears in a puff of smoke and doesn’t add to the jobless numbers.
23. Public schools should teach religion.
24. Religious schools do not have to teach social justice.
25. Social Justice is code word for Socialism.
26. Doing anything for anyone where they don’t have to pay for it is Socialism.
27. People who get themselves into trouble can get themselves out of it.
28. Our tax money should not be spent on other peoples’ needs.
29. If we give all our money to billionaires, we will be rich some day, too!
30. Rush Limbaugh cares about me as a person.
31. Rich people have our best interests at heart.
32. It’s the Unions’ fault that corporations are forced to outsource jobs and close factories.
33. It’s the Unions’ fault that police, firemen, teachers and other public servants are so grossly overpaid for risking their lives and teaching our children.
34. It’s the Unions’ fault that rich people don’t get richer faster, ensuring it will take longer for you to get some of that good “trickle down” that we just know is coming — someday.
35. The oil companies have our best interests at heart.
36. Saving energy is for wussies.
37. Recycling is for wussies.
38. Global warming is a liberal conspiracy to bankrupt industries.
39. The fact that it snowed in March means global warming is a myth.
40. If it gets up to 112 degrees in New York in August, hey! It’s SUMMER, dummy!
41. When bad things happen to cities that are populated by gays and blacks, it’s God’s judgement.
42. When tornadoes and earthquakes happen in red states, well, these things happen.
43. Liberals are responsible for most hate crimes.
44. There is no such thing as a hate crime.
45. The media is hiding all the black on white crime.
46. The media is overdoing all the white on black crime.
47. If a right winger goes nuts and kills his family with an AK-47, that doesn’t mean we have a problem with easy access to guns.
48. If a right winger wanted to kill his family and didn’t have a gun, he’d use a hammer. Or a knife. Or ropes. Or hot wax. Or something else.
49. President Obama wants to take our guns.
50. Even though President Obama has made no moves whatsoever to take our guns, that’s just because he’s waiting to be re-elected.
51. President Obama is from Kenya.
52. President Obama is from Kenya, but somehow his grandparents (or somebody) phonied up the Honolulu newspapers with birth announcements.
53. President Obama is a Muslim.
54. President Obama is a Muslim who went to a Christian Church for 20 years, but just because that’s where he learned to hate white people.
55. Michelle Obama wants to take over menu planning in your house.
56. Michelle Obama stuffs herself with French fries while insisting your kids eat carrot sticks.
57. Michelle Obama is fat.
58. Women have no business telling men what women can do with their own bodies.
59. If men want to get vasectomies, that’s their business.
60. If a woman gets pregnant, it’s her problem.
61. We’re pro life until the baby is born, then he’s on his own.
62. Medicare would be better if it were a voucher system.
63. Social Security would be better if it were privatized and based on the stock market.
64. If you don’t save enough for your retirement, then die.
65. If you can’t afford decent health insurance, you deserve to die.
66. Family values are sacrosanct.
67. Gay marriage will ruin the sanctity of marriage.
68. Divorce should be legal and has no effect on the sanctity of marriage.
69. Gay people should not adopt children.
70. Single parents are an abomination.
71. Better a single parent household than being raised by two gay people.
72. Trickle down economics is the only sensible economic system.
73. George Bush had the balls to act without dithering, not like Obama, waiting for a few months before killing Osama bin Laden.
74. Ronald Reagan never raised taxes.
75. Ronald Reagan was the best president ever.
76. George W. Bush stopped being responsible for the mess he made at 12 noon on January 20, 2009.
77. Barack Obama is responsible for the economy’s sad shape because he isn’t cleaning up Bush’s mess fast enough.
78. If Barack Obama reminds us of the state of the economy when he took over, he’s just Blaming Bush.
79. It’s OK to say that Bill Clinton didn’t leave Bush a surplus, even though he did.
80. It’s OK if a Republican does it.
81. If a Democrat does it, we’re outraged.
82. If a Republican has a sex scandal, we are understanding and forgiving.
83. If a Republican has an illness or dies, Democrats are hate filled for mocking that person.
84. If a Democrat has a sex scandal, we’re within our rights to remind you about it at inappropriate times.
85. If a Democrat gets sick or dies, we are within our rights to talk about what a bastard he was.
86. It’s OK if we “suggest” that “someone” should do “something” to Obama.
87. If someone actually DOES something to Obama, it won’t be our fault.
88. If we target a congressman or congresswoman with crosshairs, that’s just political speech.
89. if some nut shoots one of those congresswomen, it’s not our fault.
90. If we get fired for saying something outrageous, hateful, racist or homophobic, it’s a violation of our first amendment rights.
91. If a liberal gets fired for saying something we don’t like, good!
92. If we say something racist and you point it out as racist, then YOU are the racist.
93. If you think we are holding racist signs just because they say bad things about black people, YOU are the racist.
94. If we say anything against President Obama, you will say it’s racist.
95. If we say something racist about President Obama, that’s our first amendment right and not racism.
96. President Obama is a Marxist.
97. President Obama is a Communist.
98. President Obama is a Socialist.
99. President Obama is a Fascist.
100. President Obama is the antichrist.