REVEALED! The Church of Self Actualization

(Bill Schmalfeldt once again yields his regular space, as he plans to do on a weekly basis, to his spiritual mentor, Pope William I, the Earthly Vicar of “The Big Guy Upstairs” and Founder of the Church of Self-Actualization.  In this encyclical [that’s what he calls his posts… “encyclicals”] the Holy Uncle describes the revelation of the One True Religion.)



So… Many… RACISTS!!! (Wikimedia Commons image)

I dearly wanted to be a member of the Tea Party.  I truly did.  I’m white, middle-aged, I held some moderate-progressive views but I also thought government spending has gotten out of hand.  I’m a patriot, a veteran of nine years service in the United States Navy.

So when the Tea Party held a massive rally in Washington, DC, I went there.  I tried to mingle with them.  I tried to fit in.  But I just couldn’t do it.

My problem?  I believe in God.  I believed, at the time, his admonitions to us as revealed in his Holy Word, the Bible, that we should treat others as we wish to be treated, that we should care for the sick, that we should show charity to the poor, that whatever we do for the least of our brothers, it’s as if we’ve done it for Christ Jesus himself.

These Tea Party members at the rallies I attended.  They were carrying horrible signs.  They were CURSING at African-American congressmen, SPITTING on them, calling them NAMES!

I went home feeling that this just wasn’t right.  It wasn’t right at all!

How can you call yourself a Christian and knowingly “bear false witness?”  How can you call yourself a Christian and tell a sick person to “take care of himself because you won’t do it.”  How can you call yourself a Christian and mock a person for the color of his skin?

None of it made any sense…

That is, until later that night.

The Holy Angel of God Delivers the Sacred Manuscript, All Neatly-Typed, Double-Spaced, 12 pica, ready for publication!

An angel appeared to me in a dream.  Dressed in glowing golden robes, the angel handed me a large volume of typed, double-spaced manuscript text.  Courier New font, 12 picas.

“It is not the tea partiers who are wrong,” the angel said.  “It’s their Bible.  It’s been misinterpreted.  What you now have in your hands is God’s word as He MEANT for it to be read.  Go therefore unto the nation and the world; make them aware of this new, correct translation of God’s word into the English vernacular, easy for the dimmest of your Tea Party people to understand.  They commit no wrong in God’s eyes.  Tell them to keep up the good work and vote Republican in November.”

The angel disappeared, and when I awoke the manuscript was still clutched in my hands.  I leafed through it and, by golly, the angel was RIGHT!  The Tea Partiers weren’t violating God’s word by calling for government to get out of their health care.  They weren’t being hypocrites for accepting Medicare and Social Security while hating those who receive other forms of Government assistance.  Their racial prejudices, their inexplicable hatred of things they didn’t understand.  It was all right there.  In God’s NEWLY REVEALED WORD!

So, as the angel told me, it’s time to go forth into the nations and the world and spread his NEW word.  Greed is OK.  It’s not lying if you do it for a good reason.  Theft is perfectly fine as long as the person you are stealing from is a sucker or otherwise deserves it.  See for yourself in these pages.


The Tea Party, the new faction of the Republican Party that claims they wish to “take America back from the Socialist, Marxist, Heathens and Communists,” and return our country to the control of “Godly Men and Women” who understand that America was “founded on Christian, Biblical principles” have a basic problem – with the Bible.

Let me rattle off a few names:

Newt Gingrich.  Former Republican Speaker of the House.  Led the impeachment fight against Bill Clinton for lying about his sexual relationship with an intern.  At the time, was cheating on his second wife with the woman who became his third wife.  Cheated on his first wife with his second wife, serving her with divorce papers while she was in the hospital recovering from cancer surgery.  He is calling for a Christian revival.

Another name:  Mark Foley.  Former GOP congressman.  Crusader against gay rights.  Had to leave Congress after it was revealed he was sending and receiving sexually explicit and suggestive texts from underage male House pages.

OK.  Larry Craig.  Former Idaho Senator.  Fellow anti-gay crusader.  Plead guilty to lewd conduct in a Minneapolis airport bathroom while attempting to solicit oral sex from an undercover police officer.

Sen. David Vitter, (R-LA).  While still just a congressman, this “family values” lawmaker was wrapped up in the “D.C. Madame” Prostitution Scandal where word was he enjoyed wearing diapers.  Co-sponsor of the “Defense of Marriage Act.”  With Sen. Craig.

Former Sen. John Ensign (R-NV). Finally resigned two years into a scandal over having an affair with a campaign volunteer who was married to one of his staff aides.  Ensign’s parents gave the staff aide a $96,000 “gift.” Ensign resigned when the Senate Ethics Committee made it crystal clear that expulsion from the Senate was the other option.  Called for Clinton’s resignation in 1994 because of the Lewinsky affair.  Once called marriage “an extremely important institution in this country and protecting it is, in my mind, worth the extraordinary step of amending our constitution.”

The list goes on and on. Rudy Giuliani. Henry Hyde. Mark Sanford, Jim Gibbons, Ted Haggard, Don Sherwood, Rush Limbaugh… all purveyors and spokesmen for the “family values” wing of the Republican Party.  That’s the portion of the party now occupied by the so-called “Tea Party.”

Does the problem lie in the hearts of these men?  When they call themselves “Christian,” are they lying?  Or are they just misled?

I believe that most Tea Party members, the ones you see carrying signs questioning President Obama’s citizenship, saying they want government off their backs (as long as they keep getting their Medicare, Disability and Social Security Checks) and protesting “Obama Care” (Your Health, Your Problem) are good, decent, misguided people with backwards racial attitudes that fall short of outright racism, but you seldom see them inviting black people over for dinner, let alone to their rallies.  I believe most of these folks, poor-to-middle-class, elderly and white, lack the self-awareness necessary to realize the hypocrisy of claiming to be Christians while taking such abhorrently anti-Christian political stances.  I believe the majority of them have been duped by an industrial machine that has lured them into supporting their efforts by taking the dog dropping of industrial deregulation, wrapping it in gold foil, slapping a picture of Ronald Reagan and a flag on it, and renaming it a “Patriot Bar.”

The industrial interests behind the Tea Party could care less about these people and their eternal souls.  But the average Tea Party member, no doubt, believes him or herself to be a “good person.”

They claim America is a Christian nation, using quotes from founding fathers who believed the direct opposite.  They claim Muslim sharia law is a threat to their American way of life, and they fear that this “outsider” in the White House may, probably IS, a Muslim Manchurian Candidate just waiting for the right opportunity to drag America into some worldwide caliphate.

These God-fearing, Christian Americans have one basic problem.  They are at odds with what most folks perceive as the Holy Scripture.

The GOP Sex Scandals, for instance. Foretold!

24 Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.

25 They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen. 

 26 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones.

27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.

 28 Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done.

29 They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips,

30 slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents;

31 they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy.

32 Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.

ROMANS 1:24-32 (KJV)

So, how in the world can one claim to be to be a God-fearing American patriot while supporting candidates for office that speak to a philosophy that is, on it’s face, against practically everything these people BELIEVE Jesus preached about two eons ago.

All that stuff that told us about “loving your neighbor” and “forgiving their trespasses.”  How about “whatsoever you do to the least of these, my brothers, that you have done unto me.”  How does the average good, white, middle-class Christian American ALLOW him or herself to preach such hatred against foreigners and homosexuals when the Bible – as they know it — specifically COMMANDS them to treat strangers with kindness, and says as much if not more against eating pork and wearing clothing made from mixed fabric as it does about homosexuality.  They claim that Jesus brought a NEW testament to replace the Old Testament.  So where does Jesus condemn homosexuality and immigration?

So, if your problem is that you want to call yourself a God-fearing, Bible-believing patriot that wants to return America to its Biblical roots (that never exactly existed), which is easier to do?  Changing your heart?  Or changing the Bible?

But I tell you, it is not NECESSARY to change either your heart OR God’s word.  The NEWLY REVEALED word of God shows that your hearts are already IN the right place.

Of course, it’s a lot to expect that these simple, unsophisticated people who attend most of your Tea Party rallies are self-aware enough to UNDERSTAND that what they’ve been prattling on about is diametrically opposed to what they were taught in Sunday school.

That is why it is VITAL that the NEWLY REVEALED word of God soon REPLACES the standard texts in our churches.


Now that Pope William I has identified “The Problem”, in next week’s Encyclical, he will begin to reveal THE SOLUTION!  But why wait?  You can receive the Holy Word for yourself without waiting!!!  All it takes is the WILL to LEARN the TRUTH!  Well, that and $20 for the paperback or $5 for the Kindle version.  Then you will be ahead of the game with your OWN copy of “Can You BE a Tea Party Member and STILL Call Yourself Christian?”  All profits will be donated to the website Borderless News and Views, which, at first, the Holy Uncle resisted until we convinced him that it could increase the membership of the Church (each purchase comes with an honorary membership, by the way) and more converts to his Righteous Way.  He remained slightly reticent until we convinced him we had a vision from our patron Saint, St. Ayn Rand, telling us to tell him to OK the idea.  Well, all you gotta tell Pope William I is that St. Ayn Rand said to do something and he’s on it like “white” on an acceptable American President!  So get YOUR copy TODAY!!!



  1. Well, at least you haven’t been banned here. Can’t find your ex.examiner links anymore either. I’m sorry you’ve been so misunderstood about the story you wrote from the comic you saw. I guess sometimes pictures are worth thousands of words. And I think it is very correct to say that homophobic men are afraid that gay men will hit on them. After all the ARE god’s gift to women, they must be irresistible to “those” kind of men too. Because they can’t control their lusts they think no one else can either.


  1. […] – Satire for the People Leave a Comment Last week, Pope William I, the Supreme Pontiff of the Church of Self Actualization revealed how he came to possess the sacred text that shows you CAN be a Tea Party Member and STILL […]