The Holy Uncle Asks (and answers) ‘What ARE Republicans Good At?’

Last week, Pope William I, the Supreme Pontiff of the Church of Self Actualization revealed how he came to possess the sacred text that shows you CAN be a Tea Party Member and STILL call yourself Christian.  In his last encyclical, The Holy Uncle outlined the problem as he sees it.  This week, he begins to share…THE SOLUTION!!!



On that evening not long ago, before the angel appeared to me in the dream, in the usual half-hour I spend pondering the mysteries of the universe, I asked myself this question.

“What are Republicans good at?” The answer came swiftly.

“Pretending they speak with the authority of God, and rewriting history to reflect their political agenda.” Oh my, yes!  Is that ever true!  Conservative “Christians” use the bible like a truncheon, to whack non-believers on the head with cherry-picked scriptures that support their point of view, while ignoring the ones they don’t really cotton to.

For instance, they LOVE to tell the gays they are hell bound by quoting Leviticus 20:13 — “If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood [shall be] upon them.”

What other gems of good behavior can we find in the King James Version (KJV) of Leviticus?And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people. (No making “uh-uh” during the “monthlies!”)
Leviticus 20:18

And the man that committeth adultery with another man’s wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death. (Wow!  Only three verses away from the homo one!  I’m lookin’ at YOU, Newt and Trump!)
Leviticus 20:10

And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you. Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you. These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat. And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you: They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination. Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you.  (So, that pork sausage and shrimp on the barbie?  Verboten!  To hell with you and your unclean eating habits!  It’s in the BIBLE!!!)
Leviticus 11:7-12

But then, to justify their homo hate and pork love, Christians will say that Jesus brought a New Testament that CHANGED the law and made the OLD Testament obsolete… except for the parts they like!  They say the NEW Testament ALSO forbids homo stuff.OK, where does Jesus say a THING about it in the New Testament?Come on, people… I need a chapter and verse here.  WHERE does JESUS CHRIST have ANYTHING TO SAY, POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE about homosexuality?

What… nothing?Oh, wait.  Here’s something.

And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.
Romans 1:26-27 (KJV)

But waitaminnit… Book of RomansPAUL’s letter to the Romans?  PAUL, the former persecutor of Christians and scoundrel known as Saul of Tarsus until he had this sudden transformation and became a Christian?  The one who never actually laid EYES on Jesus or heard a word He SPOKE?  HE said that?  Not GOD?In fact, EVERY anti-homo utterance in the NEW Testament, the one that supplants the OLD testament, was written NOT by Jesus, NOT by GOD, but by this “Paulie Come Lately” who never met, never spoke to, never shared a cup of coffee with Jesus, and HIS writings are treated the same as if it were God Himself dipping His Almighty pen into the Eternal Ink of Enlightenment.

So, let’s revisit my original hypothesis.What are Republicans good at?

Well, rewriting history is a given.  Look at how they’ve fooled their followers into thinking the current economic crisis is President OBAMA’s fault. Yet, Mr. Obama created more jobs in 2010 than Bush created in his entire term.  As of this writing, something like 28 months of consecutive job growth.  PROOF that spending under Obama’s administration so far has increased at the lowest per-year rate since Eisenhower. Well, these are INCONVENIENT FACTS!

These industrialists and their media tools have cleverly fooled the Tea Party into thinking this whole mess is OBAMA’s fault.  So we know they’re great at rewriting history.

But when faced with the contradictions in their holy book, and the fact that outside of the Old Testament, God/Jesus has NOTHING to say, good or bad, about homosexuality, and BOTH parts of the bible speak to helping the poor, forsaking one’s own wealth to help the less fortunate, caring for the sick… all totally ANTI-Tea Party positions where the poor can help themselves and quit leeching off the taxpayer… how do they resolve the conflict between calling themselves “good, Godly Christians representing a Christian Nation where we should return to the Christian Values that made us a GREAT Christian Nation” and their serial violation of the very things God/Jesus COMMAND of them in the Old AND New Testaments?

As I drifted off to sleep, I saw no way to avoid this dichotomy.  I resolved that one can NOT be a Christian and preach hatred against his fellow human.  One can NOT be a Christian and deny his brother or sister decent health care, security in old age, or the basic necessities of life.

No doubt there will be some who read this who scoff at the idea that an Angel of God gave me a NEWLY REVEALED sacred text to replace the King James Version of holy scripture.  However, some WILL believe in the miraculous appearance of a new scripture that contradicts most of what they were taught in their early religious education.  Mitt Romney, in fact, is counting on your believing that he believes that!

But even for those who will be skeptical, I tell you… there is precedent.  You think the King James Version fell out of the sky?  No, my gentle reader.  It was a collaborative effort in the 17th Century to correct the “past mistakes” in previous translations of sacred scripture from the original Greek and Latin texts.

And what about the other ancient texts that didn’t make the final cut?  I mean, the so-called “Apocrypha” – books written by the early Christians that were deemed unworthy to be included in the “final” revisions of the Bible.  And even now, not every denomination agrees on which books are “canonical,” meaning they are accepted into the Bible, and “apocryphal”, which are not.

This volume is not intended to be a scholarly biblical treatise or a discussion of what belongs in the Bible and what doesn’t.  I’m merely trying to pass on a version, given to me by an Angel of God, that members of the modern-day Tea Party can use, claim as their own, follow to the letter, and not be hypocritical.  Call it a public service.

This series will not contain the completely NEWLY REVEALED Word of God.  Just bits and pieces to get the ball rolling.  Just enough to give our “Your Health, Your Problem,” brothers and sisters reason to be able to point to chapter and verse where your Bible says the sick should take care of their own damn selves!  See the value in this?

We’ll call it “The Holy Bible — the Tea Party Version”, or “TPV” to keep it short and abbreviated.

What will this new, contemporary, Tea Party scripture look like?

In my next encyclical, we’ll crack the book’s spine for the first time!



YOU can have your OWN, gleaming, new, blessed by the Holy Uncle Himself, version of the angelic text, “Can You Be a Tea Party Member and STILL Call Yourself CHRISTIAN?”  It’s only $20 for the paperback and $5 for the Kindle.  And after the Philistines take THEIR cut for PRINTING this sacred text, Pope William I will donate 100 of the profits to Borderless News and Views to continue its holy work.  So you’re not just buying a book.  You’re helping to save civilization.   DO IT!  I COMMAND YOU!



  1. Hilarious Bill!


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