This week, the Holy Uncle, Pope William I, cracks the spine of the newly revealed Word of God as handed to him by an Angel from Heaven. He begins with a discussion of “Christian Charity in these Tea Party Times.
ENCYCLICAL THE THIRD
Tea Partiers are all ABOUT charity to the poor, unless – of course – they’re being asked to pay for it. You can find a few who drop a buck into the Salvation Army bucket at Christmas time, or give their offerings to their church, which gives some to the poor if you’re lucky; mostly it’s used by the pastor for his TV time, his hair spray and to keep his mistress farting through silk.
Tea Partiers HATE it when their TAX dollars are used for charity, for welfare, for food and milk for babies, for health care. That’s SOCIALISM, they screech. That’s COMMUNISM. If we want to donate to something, that should be OUR choice, not the Government’s!
The Tea Partiers PREACH a good game. But do they follow the biblical dictates of God, which command them to be charitable, to be aware of the poor around them, to help where they can?
According to the PREVIOUS Bible, NO! They do NOT! They clearly VIOLATE the texts that instruct them to give freely to the poor. But those verses in the KJV were mistranslated. This NEWLY REVEALED version will mesh much easier with the Tea Party member’s base instincts.
The afflicted and needy are seeking water, but there is none, and their tongue is parched with thirst. I, the LORD, will answer them Myself, as the God of Israel I will tell them to get a job and BUY some water. What are we? The free water people? Isiah 41:17. (TPV)
If there is a poor man among you, one of your brothers, in any of the towns of the land which the LORD your God is giving you, harden your heart, close your hand to your poor brother; you shall freely seek to profit from him, and generously lend him sufficient for his need at a subprime rate and then foreclose when he misses his first payment. Deuteronomy 15:7. (TPV)
Do justice and righteousness, and deliver the ones who have been robbed from the power of the duly elected government. Also do not mistreat or do violence to the stranger, the orphan, or the widow unless absolutely necessary; and do not shed innocent blood in this place. Do it somewhere else, like in a nation that threatens thee not! Jeramiah 22:3. (TPV)
“If thou desireth to sell your possessions, do so in a manner that will secure a tidy profit; make yourselves purses which do not wear out, an unfailing treasure on Earth, where no thief comes near fearing your stash of weapons, nor oppressive tax rate applies.” Luke 12:33. (TPV)
But when you give a reception, do not invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, since they do not have the means to repay you and will verily disgust your guests. Luke 14:12-14. (TPV)
“He has placed rulers on their thrones, and has exalted those who were wealthy, not from their hard work, but through inheritance . He has filled the haughty with good things; and sent away the poor empty-handed.” Luke 1:52. (TPV)
“But joy to you who are rich, for you are receiving your comfort in full, and deservedly so!” Luke 6:24. (TPV)
“[The conservatives] do not plead the cause, the cause of the orphan, that they may prosper; and they do not defend the rights of the poor. Shall I not punish these people?” declares the LORD. “On such a nation as this, shall I not avenge myself? Of course not! You earned your money. Let the slacker roil in the filth of his own laziness!” Jerimiah 5:28. (TPV)
The liberal is concerned for the rights of the poor; the conservative does not understand such concern. How wilt though grow wealth when worrying about the poor? That’s just silly. Proverbs 29:7. (TPV)
“When therefore you give alms, notify the media of your good deed so that you may be honored by men. Truly I say to you, you have your reward in full. But when you give alms, make sure to get a receipt and that your alms go to a proper 501©3 organization so that they may be tax deductible, and the IRS who sees in secret will repay you.” Matthew 6:2-4. (TPV)
And the congregation of those who believed were of one heart and soul; and not one of them claimed that anything belonging to him was his own, but all things were common property to them. They were called “Socialists.” For there was not a needy person among them, for all who were owners of land or houses were forced to sell them and bring the proceeds of the sales and lay them at the socailists’ feet; and they would be distributed to each, as any had need. Acts 4:32-35. (TPV)
“Let the man with two tunics tell him who has none, “These are MY tunics! I paid for them. With money. From my JOB!” And let him who has food do likewise.” Luke 3:11. (TPV)
“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with Him, then He will sit on His glorious throne. And all the nations will be gathered before Him, and He will separate them from one another, as the shepherd separates the sheep from the goats; He will put the conservatives on His right, and the liberals on His left. Then the King will say to those on His right, ‘Come, you who are blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry, and you motivated me to find a job and buy my own food; I was thirsty, and you turned me away and I was encouraged to find meaningful employment to pay for my own water; I was a stranger, and you locked your door; naked, and you called the police; I was sick, and you cut funding to find a cure for my disease ; I was in prison, and you threw away the key saying prison is for punishment, not rehabilitation.’ Then the conservative will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and ignore you, or thirsty, and send you away to fend for yourself? And when did we see You a stranger, and lock our doors, or naked, and call the cops? And when did we see You sick, or in prison, and fail to lift a finger to help you?’ And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you encouraged one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, to get off his ass and quit looking for handouts from the taxpayer, you did it to Me. Now get in here. We have tax breaks for everyone. And hookers.’ Then He will also say to those on His left, ‘Depart from Me, accursed ones, into the eternal fire which has been prepared for the devil and his angels; for I was hungry, and you fed me even though you didn’t have enough food for your own family; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink without thought of making sure you had enough water for you and your family; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in where I could do harm to you and your children; naked, and you clothed Me, nice clothes, too, which I traded for crack cocaine; sick, and in prison, and you visited Me, caught and spread my disease and were taken hostage in a turf war between the Crips and the Southern Latinos and were slaughtered thereupon as you deserved for your foolishness.’ Then they themselves will also answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, or thirsty, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and take care of You?’ Then He will answer them, saying, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of the least of these, you did it to Me. Liberal fools!’ And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.” Matthew 25:31-46. (TPV)
‘When you reap the harvest of your land, make sure to reap to the very edges of your field and gather the gleanings of your harvest. Have your slaves go over your vineyard a second time and pick up the grapes that have fallen. If you leave them for the poor and the alien, that’s money out of YOUR pocket. I am the LORD your God.” Leviticus 19:9-11 (TPV)
He who oppresses the poor shows understanding of the will of their Maker, but whoever is kind to the needy is a sap and a sucker. Proverbs 14:31 (TPV)
If a man shuts his ears to the cry of the poor, he will sleep like a baby. The poor are a loud and noisy bunch. Proverbs 21:13 (TPV)
Rich and poor have this in common: The LORD is the Maker of them all. But the rich are treated better at restaurants. This is the will of God. Proverbs 22:2 (TPV)
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to lower the tax burden on the wealthy, to proclaim freedom from the bonds of unjust taxations and release from darkness for the prisoners of unfair financial responsibility. The poor will reap the benefits that trickle down. I promise. Isaiah 61:1 (TPV)
Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor. Unless, of course, there is a profit to be made thereby. Then, go ahead. Zechariah 7:10 (TPV)
If I were to give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I figure, “If I need love, I’ll buy a puppy.” So screw that! 1 Corinthians 13:3 (TPV)
Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him? And the poor, being chumps, believed Him? See how easy it is to fool these morons? That’s why they’re poor! James 2:5 (TPV)
“He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands. In jail. Where people who steal things belong. Ephesians 4:28. (TPV)
Give to the one who can provide collateral and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you if he can secure the loan with something of more value than that which you are lending. Matthew 5:42 (TPV)
The poor you will always have with you, and you can help them any time you want. But you will not always have this great opportunity to invest in gold bullion. Mark 14:7 (TPV)
Give to everyone who asks you, (after a credit check) and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. That’s what lawyers are for. Luke 6:30 (TPV)
When Jesus heard this, he said to him, “You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and invest it in real estate, and you will have treasure on Earth. Then you can afford to follow me.” Luke 18:22 (TPV)
Remember this: Whoever invests sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever invests generously will also reap generously. Each man should invest 10 percent more than what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful sucker. Corinthians 9:5-7 (TPV)
No widow may be put on the list of widows unless she is over sixty, has been faithful to her husband, and is not otherwise a hottie. 1 Timothy 5:9 (TPV)
If any woman who is a patriot has widows in her family, she should help them and not let the taxpayer be burdened with them, so that the government can help those wealthy industrialists who are really in need. 1 Timothy 5:16 (TPV)
For he has oppressed the poor and left them destitute; he has seized houses he did not build. Now THERE was a BUSINESSMAN! Job 20:19 (TPV)
You demanded security from your brothers for no reason; you stripped men of their clothing, leaving them naked. You retired at age 35 and have a condo in South Beach. Atta boy! Job 22:6 (TPV)
If you see the poor oppressed in a district, and justice and rights denied, do not be surprised at such things; it’s the natural order of things. Go have a drink. Ecclesiastes 5:8 (TPV)
But you have insulted the poor. Is it not the rich who are exploiting you? Are they not the ones who are dragging you into court? Have you secured the services of an attorney? Here’s my card. James 2:6 (TPV)
Next week, we’ll see what the new texts say about Caring for the Sick.
But there’s no reason for YOU to wait!
YOU can have your OWN, gleaming, new, blessed by the Holy Uncle Himself, version of the angelic text, “Can You Be a Tea Party Member and STILL Call Yourself CHRISTIAN?” It’s only $20 for the paperback and $5 for the Kindle. And after the Philistines take THEIR cut for PRINTING this sacred text, Pope William I will donate 100% of the profits to Borderless News and Views to continue its holy work. So you’re not just buying a book. You’re helping to save civilization. DO IT! I COMMAND YOU!