Right-wing nature abhors a vacuum – so they fill it with the most outlandish junk ever. Any old thing will do – and here’s the latest. Apparently, President Obama has some “missing years” in his history (there really aren’t, but let’s humor ’em and not confuse ’em with facts). So, yeah, it stands to reason that, according to those who take pride in being first in the battle to the bottom, those years were spent as a CIA spy in Pakistan. Of course, who wouldn’t think that . . . wait, what? Is this anything like the ‘baggers not being able to find the President’s kindergarten scribbles, which leads them to the obvious conclusion that there has been a massive conspiracy concocted by a 5-year-old? We can’t forget that hoary old chestnut, the non-existent birth certificate (well, non-existent except for the one that exists in the Hawaii state records – details details), which keeps rearing its head among the strait-jacket gang. Of course, Hawaii’s in on it, you know: The whole state, every official, since the beginning of time, a grand scale “hide the birth certificate” conspiracy against Joe Arpaio, Donald Trump and Orly Taitz. Beginning when Barack Obama was five.
But today is just another day, and another conspiracy theory batted around by the batshit crazy. Me, I’d prefer to scale a sheer wall in stilettos over a moat filled with hungry alligators than listen to this tripe day in and day out, but listen I must. In fact, TeaParty.org (okay, yeah, maybe I’m a subscriber) was kind enough to send me the following in an e-mail, straight from World Net Daily, the site that reads like the conservatives’ version of The Onion and whose writers can find conspiracy theories in potted plants:
“Jane Pitt, mother of actor Brad Pitt, has been scared into silence by the hate-filled, vulgar and even violent reaction to her public assertion that Barack Obama is ‘a liberal who supports the killing of unborn babies and same-sex marriage.’ Pitt has even been the subject of death threats following her letter to the editor . . . WND spoke briefly with Pitt and asked about the media assault against her for her comments as a private citizen supporting Romney. With inflections in her voice that conveyed fear and despair, she quietly and politely said she was not interested in talking to anyone in the media about the incident.”
There, ya see? Scared into silence by those violence-prone libs, packing Obama bumper stickers like they’re 9’s. Gee, I don’t know, could it be that she really doesn’t want to make her personal views the subject of some right-wing campaign that would pit her against her liberal son? Is it just a teeny weeny bit possible that her fear is that WND will make her the poster child for liberal thuggery at work? You know, WND, maybe she really didn’t want to talk about it – at least not to you, oh Master Conspiracy Theorists.
And that’s not all. According to some shady right-wing outfit, the Doctor Patient Medical Association (a group ripe with conspiracy theories that undocumented immigrants spread leprosy and Vince Foster was murdered by the Clintons), that conducts something resembling polls has deduced that 83% of all doctors will quit – right in the middle of your pelvic exam! – over ObamaCares. The Daily Caller and Drudge and Fox all lapped it up like so much sweet cream. It’s like the old reporter’s trick, where one reporter has a theory and the rest quote it as fact from an “unnamed source.” Funny thing about this particular “poll,” though – the question asked wasn’t about about the Affordable Care Act, the ACA wasn’t even mentioned – the question asked was about “changes in the medical system.” Right-wing nature, abhorring that vacuum.
Michele Bachmann‘s conspiracy theories about FEMA concentration camps and the census (which even Glenn Beck wouldn’t touch) and Eric Holder and all the un-American members of Congress and her wistful longing for investigations that would have made Joseph McCarthy proud were good for a few chuckles along the way. Suddenly, I’m not chuckling any more. Maybe it’s because truly crazy people really aren’t that funny, and there are getting to be way too many of them with loud mouths in positions of power. The squeaky wheel and all that.
Republican Rep. Allen West believes there are at least 80 communists in the House (is that anything like 72 virgins?). Republican Rep. Bachmann, at it again in recent days, has warned us about the Muslim Brotherhood infiltration of the highest reaches of our government – and, of course, is calling for a full bore investigation. Right-wingers in Congress (around 130 of them, to be exact) believe the U.N. is coming for their guns. They also, of course, believe that the botched operation Fast and Furious was a multi-layered White House scheme to strip us of Second Amendment rights. Last year, Rush Limbaugh spearheaded a campaign for his already misinformed, sad and tormented audience that President Obama wants to dispense with the 2012 elections and just, I don’t know, anoint himself King.
The conspiracy theories and general nuttiness of the right-wing of this country are, well, certainly creative. Not too many minds are that tortured, and it comes as quite a relief to know that the country is so polarized, right and left, because a disorder of this magnitude could be catching. But oddly, with all the hand-wringing they’ve done over tempests in a teapot, they’ve ignored something that makes FEMA concentration camps look like the YMCA summer programs, something that could amount to one of the biggest conspiracies launched against them, by one of their own: What’s Mitt Romney hiding in his tax returns?