The Ballad of Canada’s Oil Patch (with apologies to the sainted Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs, and all fans of an old ’60s fave, ‘The Beverly Hillbillies’)
- Tell ya little story ‘bout a man named Steve
- Canada’s Prime Minister, the best you can believe!
- He lived the dream of a true North strong and free,
- Selling crude to the Yanks for a whopping royalty!
Oil that is…Black gold…Alberta tea!
- The kin folks said ‘Steve, move away from there!”
- Them no good Yanks are blocking pipelines everywhere,
- They say Beijing is the place you oughtta be…
- So Steve changed course and we joined the PRC!
China that is…Crazy money…Communists!
Step aside, Uncle Sam…..after our women’s Olympic soccer team got jobbed by some previously anonymous Team USA member who happened to show up in a referee’s uniform to seal the deal in our Canadian heart-break – screw you! We have a new best pal – China!!! It’s the perfect relationship – the ultimate friend with a really big benefit. They need that dirty, rotten, greenhouse gas blowing bitumen to jump your ass to world economic domination, and we have it – 100 years worth, the Alberta Oil Patch, the world’s whipping boy – let’s get sticky in the tar sands, baby!
Canada has spent most of its otherwise charmed nation-statehood since 1867 in perpetual peril. When you are the social-cultural-economic continental mouse to Uncle Sam’s lordly elephant, even the big boy rolling over and breaking wind is a life or death event, let alone him actually getting angry at you.
Canada sits in that spot right now. You don’t like Keystone XL, Robert Redford? No problem. We covetous Canucks will entertain the Chinese offer from its state-owned China National Offshore Oil Company (CNOOC) for 15 large (that’s billions, peeps) to control an even bigger stake in the Alberta treasure chest decried by every right thinking Hollywood starlet and wannabe progressive thinker who goes gaga over the prospect of saving Planet Earth, one emission standard at a time.
The faithful readership knows where yer obedient scribes stands on the open sore on the American body politic known as the Tea Party. The Canadian right has its own baying hounds. Ours are just as daft as yours – proportionately, of course. Hell, there are 10 times as many of you, and the US political leadership has 91 years more experience at being really, really stupid on many issues. But, in the interests of objective debate we present as Exhibit A the de facto Canadian conservative king pin, one Ezra Levant – who once had one really, really good idea. Ezra said that maybe for all the hue and cry about the Oil Sands and its undoubted contributions to the deflowering of northern Alberta and the poisoning of the global environment, when Uncle Sam does the daily horizontal mambo with those charmers in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and the other big thinking pluralists that populate the Gulf of Arabia petroleum powers? Ladies, start your engines! Oh, drat, you’d best not– women aren’t allowed to operate a vehicle bigger than a kitchen blender in the good ol’ KSA, but hey, the oil’s fine! Jump in! Levant correctly skewered abject American hypocrisy about ‘ethical oil’. Sadly, Ezra has dined out on this sole intellectual triumph ever since, and he is now reduced to the status of putative Tea Party poster boy, Great White North division – as if those tool boxes needed foreign content to smear more cheap lipstick on the ugliest pig in town.
Next time out, let’s take a ride on that new Canadian powerboat to China. That Keystone deal? Well, expediency may seem terribly unprincipled, but Canada after all this time is the modest little devil you know, America – the Chinese? May you live in interesting times.
For those of you who don’t know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies: