First, I Will Be President. Later, I Will Be God!

Hello. I’m Mitt Romney. I am a Temple Mormon, a High Priest, and as such I have sworn blood oaths of sacrifice, obedience and consecration to the church and the “Kingdom of God.” My perfect obedience to these laws will allow me to become a god in the next life, the literal father of the peoples of a new and different earth. I am truly a Presidential candidate with an actual, definable god complex.

Since prophets have said I am destined to be your president, it is important to know what I believe.

1. We can fix the economy if we have fewer cops, firefighters and teachers.

2. I made Massachusetts drop from 36th to 47th out of the 50 state in jobs when I was governor. I want to do the same for America.

3. Mormon leaders call our empire the “Kingdom of God.” However, our “God” is an extraterrestrial from Kolob; and the “Zion” to which our spirit-brother-of-Lucifer Jesus Christ will return to reign is Independence, Missouri. Buy land there NOW!

4. When I’m elected, and you try to get insurance with a pre-existing condition, you’re screwed.

5. It’s a sin to drink coffee.

6. I don’t know what a donut is.

7. We can balance the budget by increasing spending on defense and cutting taxes the wealthy by raising taxes and cutting benefits for the poor and middle class.

8. God has a flesh and blood body. And he’s just one of several Gods.

9. I don’t remember what I said, but I stand by it.

10. The Garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri. It’s STILL a nice place.

11. Obama modeled the Affordable Care Act after what I did in Massachusetts. That means it’s bad.

12. I wear special underwear, like all Mormons. But I’m not allowed to speak of it.

13. God commands against lying. But it’s OK when I lie about what President Obama says because he’s a negro and negroes weren’t even human until the 12 Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints said they were in 1978, which is after the President was born, so YOU do the math.

14. Gay marriage is wrong. The definition of marriage was set by God as one man to one woman.

15. My great-grandfather had several wives.

16. My great-great grandfather was one of the original Mormon apostles, and HE had 12 wives.

17. I believe we can get health care to act more like a consumer market, and if we do that and we stop making it like a big government-managed utility, we’re going to see better prices, lower costs and better care. It’s happened everywhere we’ve applied consumer-market principles. Like… the oil companies. Have you ever paid LESS for a gallon of gas than you are now?

18. “I believe that states have responsibility to care for people in the way they feel best. It’s important for us, in my view, to make sure that every American has access to good health care. And no, saying that the government should make sure every American has access to good health care while saying that the states have the responsibility to care for people in the way they feel best are NOT mutually exclusive statements.”

19. If your marriage is sealed in the temple, then you will be married forever, in whichever of the three heavens God decides you belong in.

20. Oh, and when you die as a Mormon, you get your own planet and become a God. Really.

21. We were all spirits before we were born and lived with God, who used to be a human but attained Godhood. God sent us to Earth at a time predetermined by him so we could get experiences that we couldn’t possibly get hanging out with God, who is capable of all things, except, of course, for providing us with experiences that we can only get on Earth. Although you WERE worthy to live with God as a spirit BEFORE he sent you to Earth, you have to live on EARTH to PROVE you are worthy to hang out with God forever. See? It’s easy when you stop TRYING to think.

22. The LDS Church teaches that at the end of the world everyone will be resurrected. They also believe that almost everyone will go to heaven, which is divided up into three main levels. Bad people go to the lowest, the Telestial Kingdom (Doctrine and Covenants 76:81-86). Good people, who were not Mormons, will go to the middle level, the Terrestrial Kingdom (D&C 76:71-79). Mormons will go to the highest level, the Celestial Kingdom (D&C 76:50-70). However, only those who merit the highest part of the Celestial Kingdom will have Eternal Life [the ability to live in a marriage relationship and continue to beget children—see D&C 132:20-24, also see Mormons Hope to Become Gods of Their Own Worlds]. All others have immortality [which is defined as the ability to live forever in a single condition, not married and no future children] but do not have Eternal Life. One must be married in the LDS temple and then obey all of the Mormon regulations to get to the highest degree of heaven. The first time a Mormon attends the temple endowment ceremony he/she will be given a new name [usually a Bible name like Peter or Mary or the name of European royalty]. These will supposedly be their names in eternity. The wife must tell her husband her new name, and no one else, as he is supposed to call her up in the resurrection. If he does not call her up she would still resurrect, but not as his wife. When a Mormon returns to the temple, on various occasions, to go through the endowment ceremony, he/she will stand in by proxy for a dead person. For instance, a man may be going through the ritual in behalf of his dead uncle. A new temple name would be assigned to the dead person, which could be Joseph, David, Paul, etc. In the case of a dead woman, a Mormon woman would stand in by proxy for her, and the dead woman would be given a new temple name, like Rachael, Eve, Rebecca, etc.

23. My ultimate goal is not the Presidency. It is, like all Mormons, to become a god and procreate for all eternity. Lotsa fuckin’! Woo hah!

Now, how about one of those chocolate-covered pastry devices. They look quite delicious, I’m telling ya! YOUR GOD COMMANDS YOU!


  1. […] initially seemed a contentious factor for the Romney camp during the primary race. However, his Mormonism, and the far-right voting bloc’s perception of it, became more of an […]