Where’s the Republican Love?

The quadrennial GOP convention is underway in Tampa, but there is a billboard  welcoming the Party of No’s delegates to a Tampa where, inconveniently, the Mayor and city council are all Democrats. The Tampa Bay Times Forum, where Republicans want to bray about the President’s stimulus and “you didn’t build that” in, was built in 1996, mostly using public funds. Nobody said Republicans had to make sense.

As House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) has learned to his cost, the Republicans all too often resemble a big family holiday party consisting of crotchety old uncles who watch way too much Fox News. The great Capitol dome and tradition were not a sufficient moderator to the graduates of 2010’s Tea Drunkathon. The party of “jobs, jobs, jobs” quickly became the party of inaction and inquisition, with far too much emphasis on “protecting life”, at least until crowning. Then the wee buggers get the “freedom” to go in their Pampers.

I was surprised that the GOP didn’t go to Moscow and dig up the carcass of one Andrey Vyshinsky to make short work of Rep. Todd Akin (R-Mo.) who refused to go quietly after making gaffes which most Republicans agreed with, were it not an election year.

Vyshinsky was Stalin’s toady with a law degree, who ran the Great Purges of the 1930s. He was infamous for vicious harangues against defendants whose “confessions” had been already tortured out of them. The inevitable bullet to the head in the cellars of the Lubyanka was a given, but Old Sergey’s invective-barbed rantings made almost amusing reading decades later, were they not made to men who were not to live long after the show trials. Think Allen West and Joe Walsh with law degrees and unlimited power, or Michele Bachmann with a migraine and PMS.

Akin made a beeline to the Tampa GOP leaders didn’t want him a thousand miles from, to bask in the fawning empathy of the rabid Teavangelicals, and lick wounds from Conservatives who he thought were his allies. The sympathetic Religious Right is a key part of the November voting bloc that Republicans are counting on. The bumbling attempted purge of Akin means there will be more than a few ruffled feathers and perturbed social extremists to mollify if they are to be the “useful idiots” needed at the polls.

Righties had one thing to be thankful for. With the tribulation over Todd Akin, there was a short distraction from truly hazardous matters, such as Mitt Romney’s tax returns, and the ingredients of Mitt’s “secret sauce” to “rebuild the economy.” “Trust me” is a shaky strategy unless the information withheld is more than a little damaging to the guy who thinks he gets to be a “god” of his very own planet some day, and the White House is just a nice way station.

What then lies ahead for the presumptive GOP nominee, whose idea of empowering women is to get photographed behind the Missus on a JetSki? Team Mitt will have to sell the “secret recipe of eleven herbs and spices” of his “plans”, address just discovered Cayman Islands tax dodge documents, and We the “You People” are still waiting to see those tax returns.