“On second thought, let’s not go to Camelot. ‘Tis a silly place.”
– Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Although threatened by an obviously socialist Tropical Storm Isaac, the only things the storm actually did to Tampa were to wash everyone’s cars for free and ease “Amateur Wet T-shirt Contests” at local strip joints.
The Republican Party platform, in a sop to miffed Teavangelistas, included reproductive freedoms probably ghost written by the freshly purged Rep. Todd Akin (R-Under the Bus), and economic policies penned by Wall Street’s Martin Gekko.
Organizers prearranged the convention floor to quarantine pesky Ron Paul delegates back in the cheap seats, while placing key non-state delegations, such as from the Northern Marianas Islands, in primo groupie fan spots in the ample shadow of Joisey Gov-at-Large Chris Christie.
As if they were family members trying to eulogize the departed “black sheep” of the family, many featured speakers spent more time tooting their own horns with dreadfully few words about the party presidential nominee, Mitt Romney.
The difficult task of trying to inject human personality into the corporate raider nominee again fell to wifey Ann Romney. After trying to put “regular Joe” clothes on her $250+ Million Dollar Man, America’s “Stay-at-home-Mom (with maids and nannies)” painted tales of a hardscrabble early adulthood “struggling” at Harvard on Mitt’s Daddy’s stock gifts and a trust fund to “survive” on.
Madame Romney’s bright red Oscar de la Renta designer dress, having been worn once, will be given to the Salt Lake City (Utah) Fire Department.
Former Bush Secretary of State Condolezza Rice was there to highlight the “good old days” of invented “weapons of mass destruction” and endless, unfunded wars left to President Obama to extract us from. Jeb Bush was touchy about folks picking on bro Dubya.
G.O.P. Boy Wonder Veep pick Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wisc.) tried to electrify the conventioneers with a speech, which basically said “We can do it”, after blaming President Obama for everything short of the Spanish American War. Novel concept, as Ryan authored only two bills in thirteen years which made it into law.
Thursday night had a warm-up speech for headliner Mittens from the CEO of a company Bain didn’t kill and devour. It was the honcho from Staples, where Mitt was head vulture investor offsetting the middle class manufacturing job slaughter with near-minimum wage retail positions hawking cheap pens and ink-jet printers made in China. Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) forgets that fact-checkers exposed that his parents economically emigrated from Cuba for better bar gigs BEFORE the revolution.
Repubs have to have their Reagan tribute. Clint Eastwood’s rambling ad-lib probably sounded a lot like Ronnie’s last days.
A time for mending primary fences: Newt and Callista Gingrich were there. Mitt noted the flag still flies on the moon for Newt, and there’s a Tiffany’s in Tampa for missus #3 with the blonde helmet.
Nominee Mitt Romney tells his Righty faithful of someone who lost their $22.50 per hour job to have to take two jobs at a $9 wage. They probably worked at companies “transformed” by Bain Capital. Mitt & Ann feel your pain; they have maids at one of their mansions hoping for $9 an hour and praying for health coverage someday. When the gardener gets too old, but not old enough for retiring under the Ryan Plan, perhaps there’ll be a Romney job “created” running the garage car elevator in LaJolla.