Did Romney and his Horrible Sons Kidnap Two Nice Doggies?

Applying the same journalistic standards as the Daily Caller and the Washington Times in their reporting of the Robert Menendez story yesterday morning, we at the Patriot-Ombudsman can now reveal the shocking truth that will certainly bring Mitt Romney’s campaign to the screeching halt it has already seemed to have screeched to.

Two Ohio Irish Setters from the Toledo, Ohio area, claim that Mitt Romney took them from their yards, forced them into doggie carriers, had his five sons tie them to the top of the campaign bus and drive up and down the Ohio Turnpike until they soiled themselves in fear.

In two separate instances taking place while the media attention was focused on Hurricane Sandy, the two nice doggies — a 7-year old named “Scott” and a 11-week old pup named “Hobie” were abducted from their yards, according to Wimble Pattermier, known throughout the Toledo area as “The Dog Empathizer.”

“Scott said that he was laying in his yard, chewing on a tennis ball, when Romney and his sons lured him to the campaign bus with treats,” Pattermier said. “Scott then said, ‘When I got close enough to sniff their hands, they grabbed me real hard and shoved me into a boxy thing. Then they lifted me up to the top of the long car go bye-bye with words on it and tied the boxy thing down. Then they drove.'”

“I thought he was going to hit me,” 11-week old Hobie said.

Dogs have no concept of the passage of time, Pattermier said, so Scott had no idea how long his torment endured.

“He told me, ‘I had to go poopie and I couldn’t hold it and when they stopped the long car go bye-bye with words on it, the old man yelled at me. He kept calling me Shame Us and called me dirty and bad. I felt dirty and bad. I was a bad dog who went poop where I wasn’t supposed to.'”

Pattermeier said they took Scott back to his yard and washed out the dog crate and went looking for other victims. “‘I didn’t even get the treat,’ Scott told me,” Pattermier said.

Within a half hour, the Romney lads were at it again, this time grabbing the 11-week pup “Hobie” while he was playing with his owner’s daughter, 7 year old Natalie Coinpurser, in her Toledo yard. “The bad men asked me if I knew how to get to Toledo,” Natalie said, “and when I told them they already were in Toledo, I saw one of them grab the puppy and run for the bus.”

“Hobie’s experience was largely the same as Scott’s,” Pattermier said.

“Except being smaller, he bounced around in the cage. ‘I thought the bad man was going to hit me,’ Hobie told me. ‘He kept calling me Shame Us, and he yelled that I better not go poop this time and I didn’t, but I did pee which he did not say I could not do, but then when he stopped the long go bye bye car and saw the pee, he pulled his hand back like he was going to hit me but he didn’t and he just told the other bad men to get me out of his sight and they brought me home.”

By that tine, Natalie had told her parents, Jake and Cathy Coinpurser, who — being Republicans — said not to worry about it.

“I still see Scott on a regular basis and we’re working through the issues of fear and mistrust,” The Dog Empathizer said. “But the Coinpursers won’t let me near Hobie. That poor boy is going to have some real issues as he grows.”

The Romney campaign would not comment on the story.