One of the things that I get to explain to inquisitive European friends is that America’s several time zones make for a very long Election Night. Despite pre-election web-surfed emigre house shopping moments between a nice seven-figure flat on Oslo’s stylish Bygdøy allé and a nice fjord view house on the slopes of Holmenkollen, there probably isn’t a winning lottery ticket in the pile on my desk to bail to Norway with.
The Electoral College in America’s Presidential political calculus does make for a rather protracted end to an overly drawn-out campaign. As the Republicans began to relax to the middle of the country banjo music as polls closed, there was still a cresting huge Blue wave along the nation’s Left Coast of Washington, Oregon, and California. Paddle faster. This isn’t 1972 or 1984.
Perhaps the Romneys need to consolidate their manses in fewer Blue state locales. The Caymans? Bermuda? Switzerland? Their money seems to be at home there.
In the Hoosier State of Indiana, Democrat Joe Donnelly went back to his college football days at Notre Dame to capitalize on a fourth quarter Tea Party armchair gynecological fumble by Richard Mourdock for that “God intended for that rape pregnancy” gaffe.
With the defeat of Mourdock, fellow inept guy gynecologist Rep. Todd “Legitimate Rape” Akin (R) also got his political derrière kicked by Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-Mo.).
In Blue Massachusetts, Republican half-term Senator Scott Brown had his centerfold bearskin rug pulled out from under him by Harvard Law Prof. Elizabeth Warren (D). In neighboring New York, Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D) easily coasted to reelection.
There was a culling of the Tea Party freshman House class clown troupe as Rep. Joe “Hoof in mouth disease” Walsh (R-Ill.) went down in defeat with Democratic candidate Maj. Tammy Duckworth losing a prosthetic leg. It’s currently sticking out of Walsh’s pompous, loud-mouthed fanny. I’m sure the Department of Veterans Affairs can get Tammy a replacement to stand on.
Tea Party klaxons Reps. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) and Allen West (R-Fla.) were in close races; Bachmann prevailed but West lost his seat in a sign that some sanity prevailed.
“Money can”t buy you love” or a Senate seat in Connecticut, as Democrat Chris Murphy handily defeated ex-“pro wrestling” doyenne Linda “$100 million lighter” Mc Mahon (R). Methinks Linda should have stuck to trying to convince Red staters that “pro wrestling” is “real.”
In Wisconsin, Tammy Baldwin, who made history in being elected the first openly gay senator, blunted ex-Gov. Tommy Thompson (R)’s political ambitions, but might just preserve Thompson’s lucrative lobbyist billings.
We elected more women, and became a better country because of it. A woman’s place is in the House and the Senate. At least the Democratic ones aren’t as droll as tundra twit Sarah Palin.
President Obama was gracious in victory, and Gov. Romney was civil in conceding defeat. The need for reforming America’s excessive political swamp circus has never been greater, but that’s another column.
Perhaps I shall return to Norway next summer. Just not as a refugee. Norway gets more than their share. Order me a lutefisk at Statholdergaarden. It seems a nice enough restaurant to ask someone to marry you in. Remember to bring a breath mint.