Post-Election Fallout: The Night of the Long Knives, Part Deux

This evil organization will not tolerate failure!”  ~ Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery

As a political columnist, I perversely relish morning-after losing side recriminations. As the old ABC Wide World of Sports intro script went: “And the agony of defeat,” whilst showing a clip of why sane people don’t generally tend to take up ski jumping. Just looking down the Holmenkollen ski jump in the slopes above Oslo is an excellent constipation cure.

I have been to the conservative Heritage Foundation in Washington only once, and only then at the behest of a woman friend I was frankly smitten with at the time, who was one of the very few conservatives to graduate from Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government. I haven’t been to the building’s basement, but as the G.O.P. parcels out blame in their ranks, methinks it’s probably the closest thing we have to Moscow’s final steps to the Lubyanka’s cellars, where the purged several decades ago were about to lose more than their 401(k)s.

As I write, undoubtedly the Party of the Lincoln Navigator Monster SUV allocates blame and culpability for Tuesday’s debacle. In 1934, to mollify the military and the titans of industry, Herren Goring, Himmler, and Heydrich, et ux, gleefully scribbled down the purge death list to neuter the once rowdy Sturmabteilung storm troopers. Reinhard Heydrich would soon stoke Stalin’s already legendary paranoia in the Marshal Tukachevsky gambit resulting in the show trials of the Great Purge. From the Reign of Terror following the French Revolution to the “reeducation” genocide of Pol Pot’s Cambodia/Kampuchea, political purges were always messy affairs. Conservatives are having their own Reign of Terror against the not-radically-Righty-enough, but they don’t shoot horses, do they? The last time I knew, real elephants were already endangered as a species.

In U.S. national politics, a candidate primaries to the extreme part of the base, then plays to the more sensible center for the election. Tea Party Patriots queen Jenny Beth Martin, who probably spent way too much time on bended knee in the snow outside of Sarah Palin’s igloo, lambasted the G.O.P. for abandoning conservative principles in Romney’s lurch to the “severely” center.

“Round up the usual suspects.” ~ Casablanca, 1942

Warning: please swallow that hot coffee before you spew it.

In empathy to my pachyderm-logoed pals, imagine a Rick Perry “Oops” campaign? Or a Rick “Please don’t Google” Santorum – Herman “Enjoying sleeping on the couch?” Cain national ticket? Moon President and serial seed sower Newt Gingrich?  Mad Doc Ron Paul. who offered his patients a free gold standard lecture with every gyno exam? He had a speculum on ice for the distracted. Don’t rush to install stirrups on the Oval Office desk.

In a year with a historically high number of women winning Congressional seats, how about a Palin-Bachmann ticket-cum-mud wrestling match for Queen Bee? Nevada’s Sharron “Wacky” Angle and Delaware ditz Christine “I’m not a witch” O’Donnell?  Comedy writers had a bumper crop of material to begin with.

The only candidate Democrats really worried about was ex-Utah governor and Obama Bejing envoy Jon Huntsman.  Alas, conservatives wanted to burn Joisey Gov. Chris Christie (R) at the heretic stake for appearing with the President after Hurricane Sandy?

Ergo, the Play Doh pick of Mitt Romney was the G.O.P.’s only playable card. It wasn’t enough.

Methinks the N.R.A. museum has a NKVD purge-preferred Walther Model 2 pistol in their collection.

Pass the beer and popcorn for the Republican purges.