Shed those holiday dinner pounds: ‘Inauguration Lite’ Suggested for the POTUS

There are perfectly logical topics which simply bring out my “inner wiseguy.” It was a long campaign. In his entirely sensible piece on NPR bringing up whether, as it is a reelection and we have this sizable umpteen-trillion dollar deficit, Linton Weeks wrote, perhaps we could trim some of the pomp and circumstance from a usual American Presidential inauguration. If we ignore it entirely, Republicans can forget they lost.

Whoa!  I seem to recall that it was President Carter who supposedly nixed the White House liquor cabinet, thereby inflicting a matinee cowboy on the land four years later and Righties all know it’s all Carter’s fault, for whatever ails us. Except when it’s President Obama’s.

Just ask Michele Bachmann, who’s been warily eyeing the Capitol ladies’ rooms. She heard there are lesbian, and even avowed bisexual, new members of Congress now lurking therein to pillage her virtuous femininity. Menage å trois is the next stop before Armageddon, don’t cha know, not the Constitution’s three branches of government working together for once.

Oh, nobody’s talking about skipping the swearing-in, with the oath of office administered  by the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Roger Ailes’ minions at Fox News would waste nary a nanosecond before heralding the onset of the Second Socialist Obama Kenyan Dictatorship doubling the stock market again.  Now, the side show of roly-poly Supreme Court Justices Antonin Scalia, and Clarence Thomas being sent tumbling down the Capitol steps would be a sight to see.

As Weeks points out, we have sworn off the evening festivities before. President Franklin Delano Roosevelt made his fourth inauguration a very low key affair. FDR would last precious few months before that fatal cerebral haemorrage in Warm Springs, Ga. in the spring of 1945.  There was still a two-ocean war going on, and it was Roosevelt’s fourth swearing-in.  I doubt he forgot his lines. Norway’s then Prince (now King) Harald V attended the White House Portico event. There’s nothing which says “pomp and circumstance” more than to have a seven-year-old at a formal gathering. I’m certain His Majesty behaved.

Never mind, paranoid hawks Frank Gaffney and Paul Wolfowitz would drool at the prospect of fighting two wars at once again as a “good start” to “rebuilding” America to Lockheed Martin corporate MilSpecs.  Condoleezza Rice can tell us about the supposed nuclear weapons to be found. The Romney boys, however, “serve” Mormon “missions”, not fight the wars. Send “dependent” guys and gals from the idle, moocher 47% ranks of We the “You People.” There’s a note signed by Joseph Smith excusing the Romney clan in perpetuity on the order of some “latter-day saint” and Ann Romney, equestrienne stay-at-home-mom: “Too well [off] to attend.”

Mike Huckabee could say the benediction, and give weight loss tips. Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin could give the ceremonial wave from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, and Marcus Bachmann could keep the gay recruits to himself – and Rush Limbaugh might still be able to find that medical draft exemption for the pilonidal zit on his gluteous maximus backside from the Sixties. The mansion pool boy stood ready to keep an eye on El Rushbo’s latest trophy wife in West Palm Beach. American exceptionalism.

There’s only one credit card war left, at the moment, but Mitt’s chauffeur is wheeling round the family station wagon with Seamus’ penthouse atop to the nearest Shell or Mobil station to buy up all the Iranian road maps. “Entreprenural” opportunity selling ‘em to the Pentagon on eBay.

If the G.O.P. ticket had won, of course, nobody would dare besmirch any American exceptionalism on the evening of Inauguration Day. Nix the liberal killjoys urging “conservation.’” Republicans “believe in America.” We could have Tea Party Inaugural balls (if they had them.) The couple from Pig’s Knuckle, Arkansas in polyester stretch spandex colonial garb already have a half case of hotel ashtrays in the missus’ bag, wrapped in lifted Hilton and Marriott towels.

After the costliest, fib-filled SuperPAC election in memory, and amid a drawn out economic recovery waiting for Wall Street to stop staring at the dinner check and ante up, America needs a good party not run off a Koch Bros. guest list.

Washington. as with other national capitals, runs off drink, Other People’s Money, and formerly, the  Friday Night “Prayers” Happy Hour at the Australian Embassy.  I spent years Inside the Beltway.

Full Disclosure: I do not have an Inaugural Ball ticket.