It’s Christmas Eve, and the Fox News dire warnings about the so-called ‘War on Christmas’ are at full fever crescendo, with Roger Ailes’ stable of presenters frothier than Rick Santorum at a bible-belt pep rally. Or in San Francisco, ministering with Marcus Bachmann (aka: “Swiss Miss.”)
Meanwhile, several time zones to the east, pilots of the Royal Norwegian Air Force are leaving their ready rooms in Bodø, above the Arctic Circle, to escort ole St. Nick and his reindeer through the northern lights to begin his much awaited rounds. Flying over socialist Europe, where people are lazing on entitlements, decadent sex, and raising taxes, Santa has America-bound presents safely tucked under the sleigh seat in a duty-free bag.
Santa knows who has been naughty and nice, courtesy of the antenna farms siphoning your latest Facebook posts and cell phone calls from the ether at the National Security Agency in Ft. Meade, Md. Yes, Virginia, there’s a “War on Christmas,” and conspiracymeister Glenny Beck is hot on the trail of Islamic subversive agents hiding under your bed from The Caliphate, hoping Ailes will beg him to come back to Fox.
Yep, the assault on the Yule is on, as Bill O’Reilly has been warning you about for weeks. It’s kinda like those desperate evening calls Bill-o’s estranged missus makes to 911 for that nice Long Island cop to stop by for some holiday cheer.
President Obama and his family have gone off on yet another holiday “junket” aboard Air Force One to his native Hawaii. You can’t fault a guy going to his home state for Christmas. After all, the Romneys have several “home states” at last tally, not counting the Cayman Islands. It’s not as if House Republicans haven’t bailed after nixing John Boehner’s ill fated “Plan B.” Perhaps the President will go to the interment of the late longtime Senator and Medal of Honor hero Daniel Inouye (D-Hi.) in his native soil. Hawaii, U.S.A..
Did Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio join his Cold Case Posse gaffing gumshoes on Oahu to find the secret entrance of the Honolulu to Kenya secret colonial commie infiltration tunnel Orly Taitz tipped him off about during a root canal? Maricopa County taxpayers can rest assured Arpaio and his “posse” saved money renting cop chic Ford Crown Victoria cruisers at the weekly rate. The trip tab was further offset by skimming some government surplus peanut butter from inmates’ sandwiches back at Arpaio’s Phoenix tent lockup.
As Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan will use the Constitution as a napkin to wipe the duck sauce off her chopsticks at her Christmas dinner at a Chinese restaurant, Antonin Scalia is opening his Christmas card from the Koch Brothers to see how big the check is this year. Clarence Thomas will have to wait until January for Sen. Jim DeMint (R-S.C.) to leave the Senate so that wifey Ginny’s gravy train payola from the Heritage Foundation can resume.
Christmas, or what’s left of it, is supposed to be about sharing and surprises. There might be a Christmas bonus gratuitous underskirt panty shot from Fox & Friends’ Gretchen Carlson for your mad uncle whose telly is permanently tuned 24/7 to Rupert From Oz Murdoch’s mighty Righty cash cow. It might help goose the ratings among the Redneck set, as usual.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus and a Christmas. Still. If you’re IN Virginia, your conservative pols have slipped a transvaginal ultrasound probe under the tree and left a loaded Glock 9mm pistol on schoolteachers’ desks.
Oh, and Happy Holidays!