Fecal Cliff Crisis Put Off One More Day


After strenuous negotiations with the lower intestines, the Body finally passed a continuing “Moist Driftwood” resolution that allowed for the continued order and function of its digestive system for one more day. Thus, the daily “Fecal Cliff” crisis has been pushed back for another 24 hours.

“It’s frustrating to have to go through this every day,” said Bill Schmalfeldt’s brain, nominal chief executive and operating officer of the Body. “I don’t know what more the intestines want. We give them fiber. We give them daily doses of Metamucil. We eat a bowl of high fiber cereal at night, we’re doing everything we can — that I know of — but yet, every day, it’s a struggle to get the intestines, especially the colon, to pass ANYTHING.”

The Brain said that it took nearly a half hour of difficult negotiation with the colon, but eventually the Body was able to pass a portion of the “Moist Driftwood” that had been clogging up the body, preventing other measures from passing.

“I recall when I took this job nearly 58 years ago,” the Brain said, “it was much simpler. I’d send word to the lower Body, it would relax and pass whatever business it had to deal with and there was none of this struggling and straining to get things done.”

The Brain said, “Ever since Parkinson’s joined the body in 2000, it’s been nothing but trouble. Although we were able to finally pass the ‘Moist Driftwood’ resolution, the ‘Transportation and Self Ambulation’ measures remain unresolved.” The Brain said that failure to support these measures meant that the weakened lower portions of the legs and the weaker muscles of the back were making it impossible for the Body to proceed without outside assistance. “Ordinarily, we would just ask the Wife to assist as a temporary measure just to get from Point A to Point B,” the Brain said. “But today, Parkinson’s won’t even allow a vote on whether or not to allow the legs and back to support the Body’s weight, let alone allow it to go to the store with the Wife.”

The Brain said it did not blame the Intestines or the legs or the back for the current difficulties. “It’s Parkinson’s,” the Brain said. “I send out the orders for things to get done. We count on smooth, efficient communication from neuron to neuron in order to make sure my orders are carried out. But this Parkinson’s. Ever since he found his way into the Body, he garbles the orders so the orders I send wind up as bunch of gibberish that it the Body has to translate into something understandable so it knows what I want it to do. Or what it THINKS I want it to do. It really gums up the process. And it’s getting worse. The longer Parkinson’s remains a part of the Body, the more organs and muscles become confused, the weaker the Body gets, and there’s always the chance we could shut down entirely.”

The Brain explained, “Think of it this way. You have a group of attack jets approaching a target. You send a message to the flight commander. ‘Attention. Drop your bombs on target, not within range of the nearby schools and hospitals.’ Parkinson’s intercepts the message, and what the flight commander hears is… ‘Attention…drop your bombs on… nearby schools… hospitals.’ The result? CHAOS!”

The Brain said it was doing everything it could do, and once again appealed to the Public to donate to the National Parkinson Foundation in order to help them find a way to remove Parkinson’s from it’s obstructionist position in the Body.