Still, It’s Easier Than Dealing With Republicans

After months of frustrating negotiations, I finally came to a deal with my dogs last week that allows them to crap on the living room rug as much as they like.

It was a bipartisan deal, the product of weeks of strenuous back-and-forth.

Considering how far apart we were at the onset, frankly, I’m amazed we made the deal at all.

At first, Raven and Shiloh demanded the right to crap not only in the living room, but in the hallway, in the office, in our bedrooms and on our beds if they felt like it. My counter offer was to demand that the dogs start earning their keep by at least auditioning for a few “dog food” or “pet store” commercials. This way, they could bring in some added revenue to our accounts, and we would be able to afford the constant rug shampooing their crapping would make necessary.

They refused this outright and said that if we didn’t let them poop wherever and whenever they pleased, they would maim my wife and stepson.

Well, this was unacceptable. So our talks dragged on through the weeks and months until we approached the January 1st deadline for our home to be inspected and appraised by the people who own the property.

In the true spirit of bipartisanship, we came to an agreement. The dogs would limit their crapping to the living room rug until March 2013. Then, a bipartisan commission of four — both dogs, my wife and myself, will discuss how to proceed from there.

The dogs will, of course, demand an expansion of their rights to crap, not only on the living room, but perhaps in the hallway as well. We will once again ask the dogs to find some way to bring in revenue… if they don’t want to be cute doggies on TV ads, perhaps they could do print or internet ads. (They’re just not sad enough to be the kind of doggies Sarah McLachlan sings to in the ASPCA commercials.)

The dogs will refuse this, and I expect we’ll go round and round again for weeks.

But for now, we have an agreement.

We reached this understanding early in the morning on Jan. 1. It isn’t the sort of deal I wanted. But it shows you can’t get anything done without bipartisan compromise.

Before the ink was dry, the dogs immediately began to crap copiously all over the rug. They peed as well: Although that was not implicitly included in the deal, the dogs maintain the agreement covered the entire process of eliminating dog waste so we won’t challenge it until we get together again in February.

Raven, our 8-year old border collie, speaking for both dogs, boasted that the dogs got “about 98 percent of what we wanted.”

On Jan. 2, the people who own the property came by for their inspection. When they stepped into our living room, it was mid-shin deep in dog crap. They immediately slapped sanctions on us. The value of our property crashed. The mortgage company increased the interest rate on the amount we still owe and the insurance company tripled our rates. We have no idea how we will survive this fiscal crisis.

We’re calling it the “Doggie Downgrade.” But the mainstream media is largely ignoring us, preferring instead to concentrate the nation’s attention on the cute, adorable, fluffy doggies so they can foment the kind of controversy that generates ratings for their 24/7 cable “infotainment” channels.

The low point, from our perspective, was when Raven and Shiloh both appeared on the Morning Joe program on MSNBC claiming that “it’s too cold” to poop outside and only a “real meanie” would even ASK a doggie to do that and Mika patted them and stroked them while Scarborough went on and on about the Obama administration encourages fascist property owners to trample on the rights of cute doggies who only want to perform their natural bodily functions. Lawrence O’Donnell was roundly criticized by the panel for saying that the dogs could help PAY for their right to crap on the rug by bringing in revenue, but Scarborough cut him off saying, “Are you saying people have to PAY for their rights? That you have to PAY for your right to live in a free country?” Then they went to commercial and O’Donnell was gone when they came back.

The dogs, of course, blame us for our sloppy housekeeping, saying that if we would immediately scoop up their droppings and shampoo the rug six times a day, it would not have come to this. The dogs claim “the American people” are on their side, pointing to polls that say a majority of Americans are against animal cruelty, a fact they extrapolate into meaning it is de facto animal cruelty to make a dog “beg” to “go outside” to poop.

My wife and I feel our financial future is in jeopardy and we honestly have no idea how to turn things around.

But the dogs are happy. They got 98 percent of what they wanted.