Hello, and thank you to all my kind readers, who have of late been sending me a lot of inquiries regarding the problems of immigration reform in the United States. Here is a sampling of their prickly puzzlers…
I have a neighbor who becomes enraged with fury any time someone offers to do a job for him that everyone else simply refuses to do, at a price way below what he used to pay when he could find someone willing to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it, without asking questions, under hellish conditions and all the while being berated constantly as a burden. My problem is that we are trying to sell our house, but cannot think of a polite way to express our concern that this neighbor’s home is bringing down our property’s value because of all his unsightly, spit-flecked windows, which are covered with expectorate from all the apoplectic fuming and constant foaming at the mouth over the cheap unregulated labor available to him from willing undocumented workers. What should I do?
-Clara Euro from Cedar Rapids
Dear Clear Your Seething Rabies,
We must be sensitive to the plight of the hygienically challenged, but that doesn’t mean always turning a blinded, somewhat wet eye away from someone abusing the politeness perimeter of discourse. Try moving to Mexico or, if that isn’t convenient, pay to send him there as the Mexican economy is growing faster than ours these days, so I’m sure he could find work there with his valuable America skills, and the nice dry weather will do wonders at tamping down a belligerently overactive salivary gland.
Dear Mrs. Vera,
As a patriotic American with a lifetime of good fortune and opportunity (because my grandparents came here over fifty years ago!) I am very disturbed by the eleven-plus million people working their butts off here illegally so that the prices I pay for goods and services are kept nice and low. Because — the fact is — I personally hire only a few of them for my own little projects, like raising my kids and maintaining my shelter, and for bags of oranges from the corner grocery. I don’t see why I should have to subsidize the costs of other people taking advantage of the desperation and skills of these powerless workers. What do you think is the best way to punish the children of these people who make my high standard of living and personal wealth possible? Is it to deny them access to health care for their babies, or is to deny them access to education for their babies? And is there any way to make sure their family is definitely torn apart, such as incarceration or deportation?
Olivia-Cristina K., Hindnessburg, TX (The “H” is silent!)
Oh, Dear Christ,
If you have a pulse, I feel you must have put your finger on it. Take it off the artery in your neck immediately and you are bound to see some improvement in the awful pain everyone you meet can feel coming out of your head. If this doesn’t work, no one would blame you if you tried pushing harder on that artery. There is no shame in getting someone to help you do this, especially if they use a blunt or sharp implement. Today’s smart, modern woman knows that there are worse things that can happen to society than losing your head — at least not over the trivial problems others face — at well below minimum wage, most likely in a crowded shack that smells like yummy strawberries and Methyl Iodide, or perhaps outdoors under the hot blistering sun in a field that smells like yummy strawberries and Methyl Iodide).
Dear Mrs. Vera,
This country is so great, but I hate it so much because other people like it, too, and will work harder and give up much more than I ever would just to be here. My question to you is: How can we get all of them out and still be able to build an enormous wall you could see from space to keep them out once they’ve buildeded it for us?
Derwood Stuart Dreyfus, Wichita, Kansas
Dear Stupid Doofus Witch Kisser,
I think your life would be better if you had a real problem to deal with, instead of escapegoating into fantasy (which, while it is a very colorful and fun ride, remains a weak substitute for actual immigration policy). Some problems, like when I can’t find my glasses when I’m writing my column, turns my fear of having my vertigo and migraine kicking in simultaneously to cause me to suffer a very harsh “Migrgyration Police-y” all my own, but I don’t believe is what you are asking about, but thanks anyway, you are so kind for asking. More to some other point, I think a perfect solution would be that all of our country’s citizens who are simply too terrified to continue living under the brutally moderate vision of our duly-elected president, just be granted their heart’s desire to renounce their citizenship here, and be allowed to illegally emigrate to Mexico. The millions of undocumented workers from there already laboring in the states could then assume the identities and lives of these long-suffering ex-Americans, who will now be able to spend their remaining happy days, or hours, exploring the freedom to roam about the cactus-filled spiny desert wastelands until all the food and water is gone. What an adventure for these intrepid pioneers of American self-reliance! What a glorious opportunity awaits them!
Apparently, many still find such a move an unappetizing (for them) notion. They will insist on a harsher (for others) form of anti-amnesty, best called “punishty,” as a final middlefinger-full, extra-nega-bonus un-thank you for everyone else’s hard work. And to this end they will (finally!) embrace rolling-back carbon emissions, just so long as it is enough to trigger the onset of a new ice age. That way, an Aleutian land bridge can open once more, allowing for the migration off the continent of any remaining Native Americans and Regular Americans trying to survive a collapsing frozen society, like what happened to the vikings in Greenland, only, like, there’s way more wolves, everywhere. Then America would be free at last of the very worst kind of person you could imagine in all of existence, and no, I’m not talking about spoiled whining hypocrites full of sanctimonious cruelty. I mean America’s eternal curse, the immigrant.
Mrs. Vera Newman is a San Francisco absurdist character, humorist, artist, writer, community organizer, clothes horse and co-founder, with Mister Tina, of The Verasphere. She has been answering the unasked questions she receives from the lonely, empty rooms of America’s heart-shaped circulatory pump room ever since it began beating. Nestled in the politically bent bowels of the Nation since she was a young girl babysitting the very same newborn Nation, her ability to self-reflect about anyone else’s embarrassing shortcomings, inept fumblings or lousy recipes has enabled her invisible rise as a modern day Cassandra, whatever that means. Feel free to dispose of all your worries by leaving them on her doorstep!