Texas Tampon Two Step

“On second thought, let’s not go to Camelot. ‘Tis a silly place.” – Monty Python and the Holy Grail

If the Texas Department of Public Safety was so worried about a potential attack as the state Senate ramrodded through extreme anti-reproductive health restrictions last week, one would think they would be more on the lookout for NRA board member Ted “Pantload” Nugent facing his 1960s draft board, than a concerned, orange-shirted woman with a Maxi-Pad in her purse. The Nuge’s gun would, of course, still be welcome. It is, after all, Texas. A silly place.

texas - anti-tampon state

Image: Flickr/dmott9 + Photoshop

We want to support the law enforcement professionals who protect the public, but the Texas troopers acted more as it they were auditioning for a Keystone Cops remake of the 1978 comedy “Smokey and the Bandit” featuring the late Jackie Gleason as Sheriff Buford T. Justice. When law enforcement ineptitude fails the people, as Texas did, they deserve neither our respect, nor those largely safe, comfy government paychecks. Mall security doesn’t pay nearly as well. The citizenry has a right to expect professionalism.  It’s called accountability.

As a man and a political writer, I have learned the hard way, over the years, to opine at my peril on feminine-specific products. After all, they are generally sold in the supermarket aisle guys avoid as much as the Bubonic Plague. True, distasteful bodily substances, known to adolescent boys by numbers even Texas Gov. Rick Perry (R) could remember to count to, were legitimate potential missile hazards from irate citizens. Somehow, confiscating unused tampons in commercial wrappers weighing a fraction of an ounce because they might be tossed at lunatic legislators is pretty mild on the Homeland Security threat scalar.   Texas officials were not worrying about the Taliban, despite the crazed ravings of loony legislator and aging horsie affectionado state Rep. Debbie “Terror Babies!” Riddle (R-Mexican Maid & Gardener).

It turns out that, even as a self-board-certified armchair gynecologist, I knew more about the composition and usage of hospital emergency room “rape kits” than Riddle’s fellow batty bottle away the gray blonde state Rep. Jodie “Clean Out Abortion” Laubenberg (R). The stupid stork must have brought her kids.

So, at least for now, it appears the Lone Star State has joined the backward bevy of regressive Red states bent upon taking America back to the “good old days” of the 1950s, led by conservative clowns in cowboy boots and ten-gallon hats. Of course, there might well be a token female at the bill signing who frankly looks as if she left the mommy track long before the Disco Era. As a product of that bygone era, it was far from the “good old days.” Coat hangers.

Denying women accessible reproductive health options just to placate bible-thumping zygote zombies with a religious blob agenda alienates a sizable proportion of the public. Just ask conservative Virginia Gov. Bob “Nice Rolex” McDonnell (R)  how men legislating gynecological issues are fraught with myriad perils at the ballot box.

Keep it up, boys! Just don’t be surprised when women start hawking Margaritas and ringside tickets for your mid-life rite of passage colonoscopy. “Biblically correct” means the New Testament was silent on lubricants for that probe. We’ll see how much you like theocracy then.

“Moon River.”


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