Ask Mrs. Vera: So, is it time for the voters of Ohio to recall John Boehner?

Dear Mrs. Vera,

So, is it time for the voters of Ohio to recall GOP Speaker of the House, John Boehner?

Somehow uncertain independent Ohio voter John Q. Public

Mrs. Vera, with bloody mary and its olives.

Mrs. Vera Newman,
San Francisco, California.
Photo: Mark Trevorrow

Dear Junk Pukeblitzer,

Thanks for writing in, yet again, as you begin the long process of letting somebody else eventually make up your State’s mind for you. It is never too early to send out invitations to important functions in my opinion, not unless it is a child’s birthday party anyway, where the only important people one expects to run into there are clowns, or maybe a magician. And Ohio is notoriously lousy with them. Try Kasich’s Wands and Honks™ for all your confuse-a-developing-brain needs, but expect to pay a hefty fee for last-minute bookings.  And FYI, wink wink, entering code 666 gets you a special secret discount deal, as they are now accepting food stamps and voter ID cards as payment for clown services in run-down neighborhoods, according to their website,

But as much as people enjoy outsourcing their ability to reason for themselves along with their jobs overseas, no number of little girls trying to get out of a burning warehouse in Bangladesh is going to be able to throw together a clever impromptu sit-down dinner for eight celebrating your promotion. A hostess must throw her own party, and not farm it out or have it phoned in, because your guests will feel both burdensome and cheated and it will be a flop. Only the validly registered voters of greater, greater, greater Akron can decide the fate of their elected representatives, and they alone must make the choice to recall or not recall Mr. Boehner.  In my limited fashion, I am happy to go over the pros and cons of having John Boehner around nearby, or far away, and hope that by being armed with facts, Ohioians can make the best chohioice in determining the guest list of their state.

If they were to recall him, first of all, it would mean he would probably be back in Ohio a ton more — can Ohio afford this? As there are still a few things that function normally there, like street lights and trash pick-up and gun shows, is it worth the risk to host a Boehner-caliber politician determined to welsh on his debts and crash the car unless given permission to run over a long list of non-negotiable people he has targeted as wasteful?  Perhaps.  High-profile, charismatic crybabies are very good at making everything they do somebody else’s fault, so if he ran for the title of Miss America as Old Mrs. Ohio and lost, the state wouldn’t have to feel ashamed by the loss, since it was no doubt Sherrod Brown’s fault that nobody thinks John Boehner is pretty, talented, well-spoken or able to play the clarinet while spinning lots of plates on long sticks in heels. It might be worth it to have him around just in case that happens. There are lots and lots and lots of other reasons, too.

Oh, Ok. Um, well, his return to Ohio would be good news for the Kleenex Soft-As-Tears™ factory just over the border from Cincinnati in Kentucky, sales would probably go up a box or two per week, and some of that money would probably get spent in bars on the Ohio side of the river, eventually. I’m betting sales of clean, unruined towels and sheets would follow in his wake, as well as a thinning of the dangerously overstocked shelves of Why Boehner is Orange.tanning spray imperiling drugstores throughout the region.

So, uh, those are the positives Ohio can look forward to if they recall the House Speaker. At this point I’m going to call it neutral in terms of the loss of prestige on the national stage that abandoning the speakership would entail, when compared to the level of national embarrassment experienced by being state-associated by the ineptitude the office has demonstrated regarding everything related to governance since Boehner has held the position, which many feel has been for way too long.  America’s legs are all pins-and-needles tingly waiting for all the Republican asses sitting on it to get off, and we’ll probably be walking funny for quite a while, if we can walk at all, until the sensational job they’ve been doing on us finally wears off.  Another neutral net loss/gain would be the end a recall would bring to our federal case of Stockholm Syndrome, which is when a hostage feels an emotional dependency towards their captor, even when they are held prisoner against their will by a large (disturbingly large), teary, nonsensical, revisionist, bizarro Oompa-Loompa convinced he has a mandate the exact opposite of what the latest election results available indicate and irregardless of whatever some dumb Supreme Court has said.

The positives regarding leaving Boehner where he is include, um, lots and lots and lots and lots and, OK, well, have you ever looked into Eric Cantor’s or Paul Ryan’s eyes? Right? I thought Rosemary only had one Baby, but I guess it had two bodies and four cold, dead eyes. I think there is still enough genuine Christian sentiment on both sides of the aisle to feel the leadership position should be in the hands of someone at least born with a soul. Some highly electable individuals, and their voter bases, believe empathy is for suckers, and Boehner’s humidity-increasing tears, while emotionally misplaced and unpredictable, are a sort of proof that means very few would argue that the speaker does not have human emotions. This is seen as a detested weakness by many of his own party, who reject outright everything Jesus had to say on social issues. That’s what makes it so hard for him to get them to do anything he asks of them. His frail, orange humanity may be the only thing standing between our failed state as the greatest country ever to have existed and the future inevitable, lusty embrace of a corporate-owned slave state, or moneyed temple as they themselves prefer to call it, as long as you disregard peoples’ votes and wishes of course, which is easy enough to do. He’s like the rusty bolt in the leaking toilet tank of our future, and as unpleasant as it is to consider his purpose, it is even less appetizing thinking about the mess to clean up if whoever we replace him with isn’t up to not doing the job even more than Boehner doesn’t do it.

There are no negatives on either side of the issue due to Washington recently becoming a singularity, collapsing on itself and becoming a black hole.  Everything negative is trapped there in the inescapable gravity crushing everything from budgets to loop holes to museum tickets, forever drawing more negativity from the surrounding environment in a swirling, rotating mass of seething hatred and health care options from which there is no escape, apparently, aside from saying “OK, quit it” on the house floor.  Dream On, America!

In my humble opinion, if I were John Boehner or Ohio, this is not a period of time or a political record that I think anyone would be proud of, or is going to enjoy recalling.  I see a small window in the near future, for about one year before the next presidential election in 2016, where a good recall of Boehner and his accomplishments could do the world a world of good.


Mrs. Vera, lost.Mrs. Vera Newman is a San Francisco absurdist character, humorist, artist, writer, community organizer, clothes horse and co-founder, with Mister Tina, of The Verasphere. She has been answering the unasked questions she receives from the lonely, empty rooms of America’s heart-shaped circulatory pump room ever since it began beating. Nestled in the politically bent bowels of the Nation since she was a young girl babysitting the very same newborn Nation, her ability to self-reflect about anyone else’s embarrassing shortcomings, inept fumblings or lousy recipes has enabled her invisible rise as a modern-day Cassandra, whatever that means. Feel free to dispose of all your worries by leaving them on her doorstep!


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