Ask Mrs. Vera: Is the apology from Rep. Don Young (R-AK) enough?

Dear Mrs. Vera,

I’ve got a puzzler for you from the most northern, whitest and most frigid state of the union! It is regarding the kindest, gentlest way to handle awkward social situations that arise when old people embarrass themselves unintentionally by cluelessly referring to people they hold in contempt with candid racist slurs that both affirm their own feeling of superiority while dehumanizing the humans that made their Daddy’s business so profitable in a frozen hellhole.… [Read more]

April 1st, 2013. A day of miracles!…(?)

A few near-miraculous events have taken place today. This April 1st is one for the history books!

The War on Women has been declared over. The men of the Republican party, joined by a few blue dog Democrats and Republican women, announced that they realised that unless they begin attending medical school in droves, any woman’s uterus is none of their business.… [Read more]

Ask Mrs. Vera: Will The New Pope Stick to His Vow of Poverty?

Dear Mrs. Vera,

A bunch of us nuns were chewing the fat on a Tuesday recently and taking bets on who could give up what and, well, things got a little heated and things were said by some sisters to other sisters (honestly, I can’t even tell us apart anymore), but, anyway, a lot of rosaries were thrown in spirited emphasis, and that yielded up some bruised feelings as well as a bunch of crucifix-shaped forehead dents, so anyway, anyway, we did a convent huddle and decided that we would abide by whatever advice you give us to keep the peace.… [Read more]

Dear Mrs. Vera: What’s the difference between Costco & Wal*Mart?

Dear Mrs. Vera,

Can you please tell me the difference between Costco and Wal*Mart?  I can never decide where to shop.

Regards, Walton Brotman Anaheim, Azuza, California… [Read more]

Benedict Spills His Guts in New Tell-All Bio Book

Freed from the bonds of the Papacy, protected by Papal Immunity, but no longer the Supreme Pontiff of the Holy Roman Catholic Church, Joe Ratzinger blows the dome off of St. Peter’s Basillica and allows you to see what’s going on inside with his BLOCKBUSTER BEST SELLER…

“VICE IN THE VATICAN”

“We used to have little Friday night shows in the Sistine Chapel where a chorus line of altar boys would come in and sing Broadway show tunes!”

–Joe Ratzinger, Pope Emeritus

“VICE IN THE VATICAN”![Read more]

Negroes? With GUNS? RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

Bill Schmalfeldt was otherwise occupied this week having his foot surgically removed from the descending colon of a wingnut lawbreaker. So this week, his space is occupied by a guest columnist.

by Lester Smelgerson Public Affairs Spokesman Howard County, Maryland, Tea Party Splinter Group That Splintered from Real Tea Party Upon Learning Actual Tea Party is a Tool of the Left Being Used to Make People Hate Conservatives

Our worst nightmares are coming true.… [Read more]

Still, It’s Easier Than Dealing With Republicans

After months of frustrating negotiations, I finally came to a deal with my dogs last week that allows them to crap on the living room rug as much as they like.

It was a bipartisan deal, the product of weeks of strenuous back-and-forth.

Considering how far apart we were at the onset, frankly, I’m amazed we made the deal at all.… [Read more]

Fecal Cliff Crisis Put Off One More Day

After strenuous negotiations with the lower intestines, the Body finally passed a continuing “Moist Driftwood” resolution that allowed for the continued order and function of its digestive system for one more day. Thus, the daily “Fecal Cliff” crisis has been pushed back for another 24 hours.

“It’s frustrating to have to go through this every day,” said Bill Schmalfeldt’s brain, nominal chief executive and operating officer of the Body.… [Read more]

NEVER MIND MY NEW BOOK (Which is 50% off until Dec. 1) — CRIMES have been committed!

OK, either you’re interested in the new book by now or you’re not. What we’re interested in now at the Patriot-Ombudsman is justice. Crimes have been committed and the people who committed them need to stand before the bar to answer for their wrongdoing.

Here’s what we’ve established.… [Read more]

Did Romney and his Horrible Sons Kidnap Two Nice Doggies?

Applying the same journalistic standards as the Daily Caller and the Washington Times in their reporting of the Robert Menendez story yesterday morning, we at the Patriot-Ombudsman can now reveal the shocking truth that will certainly bring Mitt Romney’s campaign to the screeching halt it has already seemed to have screeched to.

Two Ohio Irish Setters from the Toledo, Ohio area, claim that Mitt Romney took them from their yards, forced them into doggie carriers, had his five sons tie them to the top of the campaign bus and drive up and down the Ohio Turnpike until they soiled themselves in fear.… [Read more]